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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want more kids?

45 replies

Babyblues14 · 17/09/2017 17:11

Just had a baby. My first. Apparently it was a normal birth. But I found it horrific. I wouldn't change my baby for the world and I'm so glad she is here but there is no way on earth I would go through it again. But I know dh would like more. Aibu to say I will never ever do it again?
Did anyone else just stop at the one baby?
Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

Goldfishshoals · 17/09/2017 19:02

About a week after my baby was born I was so terrified of the idea of ever going through it again I was hysterically crying and couldn't sleep with the nightmarish thought that despite not having sex I might somehow accidentally become pregnant. Then I had a brainwave 'its ok, if I find out I'm pregnant I can just kill myself!' and with that happy thought I could fall asleep cheerful.

I'm doing better now at 5 months. It needed time.

Im dubious about the 'only children would have preferred a sibling' thing, because it's a fantasy of what having a sibling is like, they have no idea of the reality. I also know several people who would rather have been only children, and friends who were raised in the country who think they would have preferred the town and vice versa. No one really knows.

Trb17 · 17/09/2017 19:06

Jeez there's always one 'only child bashing' tale of woe! I'm an only child and bloody loved it! When I organised my DF's funeral I didn't have to run anything by any siblings or argue about how things were done so the caring for elderly parents spin is not necessary either. I know others who are very happy onlys. I also know siblings who despise each other on levels I'd never think possible. It takes all sorts and you've no way of guaranteeing anything be it only child or siblings.

You should have the number of children you want - no right or wrong numbers - end of!

farfarawayfromhome · 17/09/2017 19:06

MY DD is 4 years old. She didn't sleep for years.

Those memories haven't faded and I'm only ever having one!

Talcott2007 · 17/09/2017 19:07

How long ago did you actually give birth?! I ended up haemoraging at the end of a pretty traumatic labour following a badly managed induction. So the first few weeks post delevery I couldn't even imagine a future where using the toilet without crying again would be a possibility (industrial strenght iron tablets to counteract the anaemia make everything burn like its washed in acid btw!) - let alone participating the sex needed to have a baby I was so swollen and stitched up! So YANBU to feel like this right this second. But things do sort themselves out and in the future you may find the idea less horrific or maybe you will still want to stay at one. It a your choice but something you don't actually need to worry about yet. Don't waste your emotional energy on worrying about this now just focus on your wonderful new baby! My DD is 16months now and we are thinking about TTC again...

SergeantAngua2016 · 17/09/2017 19:17

OP I feel exactly the same as you. I have a 14 month old DS - crappy pregnancy but 'straightforward' birth which I found utterly traumatic. Had panic attacks for months afterwards whenever I saw a pregnant woman, plus horrible nightmares and flashbacks. I loathed the first few months after my boy was born, really struggled mentally and physically and basically wanted to die. I couldn't believe how quickly friends, family & total strangers talked about me having another one, and so patronising that when I said I didn't think I could go through it again, the response was always, 'you'll change your mind'. I know my DS is still only tiny but I haven't changed my mind yet and I can't see myself having any more. I love my boy with all my heart though. Hang in there in this difficult time, the first few months are relentless but it really does get better.

Montsti · 17/09/2017 19:18

Yanbu but I thought that up until DS was 1....and now I'm about to have my 4th (& final) almost 8 years after DS (my 1st) was born...

See how you feel later down the line and rule nothing out either way. The 1st child is a real life changer...

Octopus37 · 17/09/2017 19:22

With my first DS, I had a very quick labour, few people understood why I was traumatised by this, most people thought I was lucky as it took 5 hours. The reality was that it was short, very sharp, I didn't have time for pain relief and I had awful piles (5 of them as I asked the midwife how many when she was stitching up, know this sounds odd but I was high on gas and air), which made the pushing unbearable. Maybe I didn't have the right to feel traumatised but I was and I remember saying to my DH a few days after the birth, I'm really sorry but I dont think I can do this again. I did change my mind and had DS2 2years 9 months later, what swung it for me was DS1 having to deal with one or both of me and DH being ill, deteriorating and dying in old age alone. I lost my Mum at 27 and for the past decade we have been in a very difficult situation with my Dad. The second birth was easier cause I was induced and got an epidural at the same time. At the time a midwife told me that she thought I was so scared that I had stopped myself going into labour as an animal would. Some would say I had no right to be scared second time round but I was, I had been told that the second time would be quicker and I was scared of giving birth at home alone with just DS. If you don't want any more kids that is fine, I have friends who had one DC and have lovely relationships with them, are able to concentrate on everything more, do things properly, give more and keep everything else going nore easily too. Maybe mentally the easiest way to cope is by telling yourself that you dont think about it now, you will revisit your decision in 12 - 18 months. This way you are taking pressure off yourself, you need a break, you have a new baby to enjoy and adjust too. Take care.

Thumbcat · 17/09/2017 19:29

I felt the same and have never regretted having just the one. DH would have had another but was completely supportive of it being my decision. Nine years on we're still a happy family of three and wouldn't change anything. You will find people give you smug patronising looks and tell you you'll change your mind but they stop eventually. I always knew it was the right thing for me and my family.

notangelinajolie · 17/09/2017 19:29

OP - firstly congratulations

You would not be the first woman to have one child, my bff stopped at one for a different reason - she didn't believe she could ever love another baby more. I would say however, that you absolutely cannot predict that a 2nd birth experience would be the same as the first. Please get help/councilling and talk to someone about it. Even if you aren't planning on another baby I do think you would benefit from talking through this as you sound very upset over the whole experience.

Like you, I was really traumatised by the birth of my baby. And while I wouldn't recommend you do this - having another baby cured all the anxieties, flashbacks, nightmares etc I'd been having since the birth of my first. And I still cannot get my head round how different 2 labours can be.

Good luck with your little one

Original poster

Babyblues14 · 17/09/2017 19:45

Just to add dh does have children from another relationship and she has 4 nephews so she won't be lonely

OP posts:

KindergartenKop · 17/09/2017 19:48

I had a conversation with a member of staff 2 hours after having given birth to ds2. She asked if I was going to 'try for a Christmas baby?'. It was mid December! Why do people ask this shit? It's crazy!
There's nothing wrong with only having one if that's what you want. But don't do anything drastic about it for a few months.

redemptionsongs · 17/09/2017 20:34

people say all sorts of silly things that are none of their business just to make conversation. Of course there's nothing wrong with having an only child. Sibling relationships vary as any others do. We all want to be the Waltons but the reality is often more Jeremy Kyle.

CazY777 · 17/09/2017 20:49

We have one, she's nearly 3. I know I can't do it again, hated pregnancy, scared to death by childbirth and she's only been sleeping through the night for the last couple of months. I do sometimes wish I could have a little boy but I'm 43 now so even if I could face it again it's unlikely to happen (or we'd end up having twins, now that would send me over the edge I think!).

QueenofLouisiana · 17/09/2017 20:56

I decided I'd never do it again due to PND, I hated the idea of going through it all again.

DS is 12 and an only child. I have no regrets. DH has had a few wistful moments, but understands why I feel as I do and has made his peace with it.

My response to questions about another baby: "I don't need to improve on perfection".

Midge1978 · 17/09/2017 23:06

I knew after having my dd that I was done. She is enough and I just don't want to go through it all again. She's nearly six now and we are a very happy family of three and there are certainly lots of perks to just having the one. I'm so glad I didn't allow myself to get bullied into having another and stuck to my instincts. Don't feel that you have to make a decision yet - you're not a baby making machine and it's your body don't forget.

GreenPetal94 · 18/09/2017 00:02

I'd put off deciding for a couple of years, just lay it aside.

My first labour was terrible and then ds1 was back in hospital aged 3 days and nearly died.

But ds2 was a breeze, so I am very glad I didn't let ds1 put me off. They become little people and the bad labours fade.

Lj8893 · 18/09/2017 00:06

I would say 99% of women feel that way when they have just had a baby. But for many of those women they change their mind, so give it a year or 2 yet.

mirime · 18/09/2017 00:09

and the bad labours fade.

Usually fade. Not always, clearly, as there are a couple of us here who have said otherwise.

GrockleBocs · 18/09/2017 00:26

You could decide you do want a sibling for dc1 and you could go for an elective c/s because of your worries around your first labour.
You could stop at one.
You get to decide. It's not important now. If anyone asks just say you're incredibly lucky to have such a lovely baby and you're not thinking about anything else for a good while yet.

RosyGold · 18/09/2017 00:46

Nothing wrong with only having one child! I have one 2 year old daughter, pregnancy and birth was a breeze so I'm not against having other kids for those reasons - I just like having one child to care for and she is brilliant! I am perfectly happy having just one to deal with and want to keep it that way. Also I hate kids (she is the only exception - obviously) It annoys me that people just assume you'll go on to have more as if that is what everyone should do.

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