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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my kids going to their dads?

48 replies

WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:09

Namechanged as identifying.

Ok background.

Together 15 years. 4 kids.
Split up 2 years ago because he has MY issues, as do I, but he had taken to using weed and alcohol to soothe them.
Completely changed as a person. I left him.

Forwards 2 years. I have a new partner and he doesn't.

I have the house we shared (housing association) he has a private flat which is horrible. He keeps saying he wants to move but doesn't even look for somewhere new.

It's a one bedroom Flat. Completely run down. He keeps it a mess. There's deal all in the bathroom. An old washer. A dismantled bed in the tiny hall.

When my kids go the younger 2 sleep with him in a double bed. The older 2 sleep in another doubled bed crammed into same room.

The other stuff.
He is on EDA because of his problems and he sleeps all day during the week. Some days I try to get him up but I'm fed up of feeling like he is my responsibility (not because of him but because if my kids!!)

He has got epic toothache. All last week he slept and smoked weed.

On Friday I knew he was running out of his antidepressants and had this face pain and because he was having the kids I called the Drs office 40 times on the way to school to get him an appointment.

I then called him to tell him his appointment was at 10.20 (this is 8.45am)

I then call him at 9.20 to wake him up.

Then at 9.45 to wake him up

Then at 10.30 To see if he had gone. He hadn't. He had fell back to sleep.

On Fridays the kids are supposed to go straight to his but I have to have them come to mine first because I have to bath them. Do their homework and get their uniforms to wash because if I don't do this none of it gets done and I end up rushing on Sunday night.

Yesterday I called to get him out of bed 3 times because he has the kids. Then his mum takes them out for the day.

So he has them 2 days a week but his mum takes them.

Then today I call at ELEVEN THIRTY.

He is in bed. He has my 4 kids sat getting their own breakfast and playing PS4 games whilst he is sleeping.

I ask him why is he in bed??? "Because my face hurts"

What??? I made you a fucking appointment to sort that out and you couldn't be arsed to get out of bed!!!

He does fu k all with them all weekend. They are literally sat in that room for 58 hours.

My daughter (8) has started to say she doesn't want to go.

And before anyone days I try to get him up too much or mother him. I don't do it for him. I do it for my kids

Bit I can't anymore.

Would you send your kids there??

We have no involvement from solicitors etc. Our arrangement is our own.

But AIBU to say no more weekends until he sorts his shit out??

OP posts:
Original poster
WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:12

And please don't think this is a one off because of toothache. Its like this every weekend. He sleeps in till midday whilst they fend for themselves and the most they do is go to the supermarket or if they are really lucky the local park.

Me and my partner actually went last week on Saturday. Out day off to the park with the kids and him so we could make sure they got out of the house :(

OP posts:
Trb17 · 17/09/2017 12:13

In your position, I would absolutely stop them going until he is clean of all drugs.

An adult u set the influence of drugs is not safe to look after 4 children.

For their safety alone, never mind the damage being done to them seeing him as a role model, please stop them going until he sorts himself out.

Trb17 · 17/09/2017 12:14

an adult under* the influence that should say

UnicornSparkles1 · 17/09/2017 12:16

Stop the visits with immediate effect. Tell him he is welcome to visit the children at your house as long as he turns up clean, sober and on time. Do not then hound him with phone calls to get up/dressed/ready. It's his responsibility.

Explain everything to his mother and invite her to still see the children independently of your ex?

Mombie2016 · 17/09/2017 12:16

Ffs why are you sending them to stay with an addict?! Stop. Immediately.

maddening · 17/09/2017 12:17

Do they go every weekend?

Original poster
WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:17

Sorry for all the typos. I was writing whilst crying.

I would like to say he doesn't smoke when they are there but he has minded them at mine before and I've cone home to the smell of weed near my backdoor.

OP posts:
Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 17/09/2017 12:18

It is your responsibility to parent them - not him. . Stop all the texts and calls and leave him to sort his bloody life out.
Then he can see the dc.

Original poster
WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:18

Yes they go every weekend. He gets CB for my eldest as he has them 2 days out of 7.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 17/09/2017 12:19

If the kids are there now go and fetch them immediately. Tell him he can take them out to McDonalds/ the park or somewhere when he is sober. But no way to your kids going and staying in a grotty drug filled flat. Does he really sound like he would have the energy or enthusiasm to fight you legally?

lelapaletute · 17/09/2017 12:21

Your younger children should DEFINITELY not be sharing a bed with him while he is drinking and smoking weed. Incredibly unsafe. And yes, stop letting him see them until he gets his drug and alcohol issues under control. You have no legal obligation to let him see them until it is enforced by a court order.

Original poster
WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:24

He isn't an alcoholic. Honestly. He used drink to soothe his issues years ago. Now he just smokes weed each night. His drinking is on a normal social level. Just wanted to clarify that.

But I do feel his has a dependency on weed.

OP posts:
Beadieeye · 17/09/2017 12:24

I always back up father's rights but in this case, there's no bloody way I'd be letting the overnights or stays at his place continue.
It breaks my heart to think of the kids cooped up fending for themselves whilst he's either sleeping, dossing about or doing drugs.
He sounds like his own worst enemy but he's an adult and should be bucking his ideas up. He has the choice but your children don't. Get them out or there before they think his behaviour is normal.

Beadieeye · 17/09/2017 12:25

Out of there*

Original poster
WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:25

I know I am justified in doing this.

I just needed to see on paper that it's the right thing to do.

Thank you.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 17/09/2017 12:27

No, CB ISN'T for someone who has them for two days per week! It's for the parent who has them for five days per week. What the hell are you giving him money for?

And no way would I let my children go there. You are paying him to lie in bed while they entertain themselves. Honestly, you need to change your thinking on this.

Original poster
WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:27

I'm very tolerant of weed but I don't believe you should smoke when you have responsibility of kids on your hands.

If he smoked weed during the week and kept a handle on his life I wouldn't have an issue. But he has let it overtake things and allowed it to become a problem in itself.

OP posts:
ychafi · 17/09/2017 12:28

I agree, don't send them - from what you say, it is not a safe place for them. If his seeing them is court ordered, I'd tell him to collect them. From what you say, and previous experience of similar, he is unlikely to get out of bed to come to collect them, so problem solved.

Dothedodah · 17/09/2017 12:29

You are allowing your children to emotionally abused and neglected by their father. He is unfit to parent them. And you are enabling his behaviour my mothering him.

Cut contact. Leave him to it. He has to want to change. You can't do it for him.

Original poster
WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:30

MyBrilliant the CB people told us we should spilt it however and because he has them 2 days a week he gets that.

If i took the child benefit back he would loose his housing benefit rate of '2 bedrooms'

Where we live even with the 2 bedroom rate he can only afford 1 bedroom

I don't want to make him homeless

OP posts:
Original poster
WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:31

All hell will break loose when i tell him he cant have them and even worse if i take the CB from him :(

OP posts:
Dothedodah · 17/09/2017 12:33

Then let it break loose.

You are enabling this situation so that makes you an abuser too. Sorry but if you cannot protect your children and put their needs first then you are also not fit to parent them.

Trb17 · 17/09/2017 12:34

Leave the CB alone for now. Tackle one issue at a time. Removing the children's visits might be the wake up he needs. Then when things settle down or change you can revisit if the CB going to him for one child is the right thing to continue.

microchrista · 17/09/2017 12:41

All hell will break loose when i tell him he cant have them and even worse if i take the CB from him

That's not important here! You do realise the children are being neglected here don't you. You can't knowingly allow it to continue.

Sorry to be harsh, I'm sure it can't be easy for you, but something needs to be done.

Original poster
WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:46

Something is being done. That's why I posted. To reassure myself I'm doing the right thing

OP posts: