Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To stop my kids going to their dads?

48 replies

WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:09

Namechanged as identifying.

Ok background.

Together 15 years. 4 kids.
Split up 2 years ago because he has MY issues, as do I, but he had taken to using weed and alcohol to soothe them.
Completely changed as a person. I left him.

Forwards 2 years. I have a new partner and he doesn't.

I have the house we shared (housing association) he has a private flat which is horrible. He keeps saying he wants to move but doesn't even look for somewhere new.

It's a one bedroom Flat. Completely run down. He keeps it a mess. There's deal all in the bathroom. An old washer. A dismantled bed in the tiny hall.

When my kids go the younger 2 sleep with him in a double bed. The older 2 sleep in another doubled bed crammed into same room.

The other stuff.
He is on EDA because of his problems and he sleeps all day during the week. Some days I try to get him up but I'm fed up of feeling like he is my responsibility (not because of him but because if my kids!!)

He has got epic toothache. All last week he slept and smoked weed.

On Friday I knew he was running out of his antidepressants and had this face pain and because he was having the kids I called the Drs office 40 times on the way to school to get him an appointment.

I then called him to tell him his appointment was at 10.20 (this is 8.45am)

I then call him at 9.20 to wake him up.

Then at 9.45 to wake him up

Then at 10.30 To see if he had gone. He hadn't. He had fell back to sleep.

On Fridays the kids are supposed to go straight to his but I have to have them come to mine first because I have to bath them. Do their homework and get their uniforms to wash because if I don't do this none of it gets done and I end up rushing on Sunday night.

Yesterday I called to get him out of bed 3 times because he has the kids. Then his mum takes them out for the day.

So he has them 2 days a week but his mum takes them.

Then today I call at ELEVEN THIRTY.

He is in bed. He has my 4 kids sat getting their own breakfast and playing PS4 games whilst he is sleeping.

I ask him why is he in bed??? "Because my face hurts"

What??? I made you a fucking appointment to sort that out and you couldn't be arsed to get out of bed!!!

He does fu k all with them all weekend. They are literally sat in that room for 58 hours.

My daughter (8) has started to say she doesn't want to go.

And before anyone days I try to get him up too much or mother him. I don't do it for him. I do it for my kids

Bit I can't anymore.

Would you send your kids there??

We have no involvement from solicitors etc. Our arrangement is our own.

But AIBU to say no more weekends until he sorts his shit out??

OP posts:

Oldraver · 17/09/2017 12:48

You wont make him homeless, at worst he would have to move to a one bedroom. If he wasn't smoking so much weed he wouldn't need the CB.

Please protect your children from this man.

RandomDent · 17/09/2017 12:53

Well done for knowing what you need to do. Everyone here is backing your decision. It is the right one. What's the next step?

Original poster

WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:55

Oldraver he is already in a one bedroom flat. The amount of money he gets for a 2 bedroom only gets a one bedroom in this area (which is still a mostly council association area and not 'posh' just student filled)

OP posts:

Original poster

WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 12:56

Random.

I've asked him to bring the kids home early (3pm) and I'm not going to mention anything as he will shout in front of the kids.

Then tonight I'm going to send him a long detailed email. I'll post it on here for opinions once I've drafted it.

OP posts:

Fernanie · 17/09/2017 12:59

Maybe if he stopped spending his money on alcohol and weed he'd have some left over to take care of his children. You're definitely NBU to want your kids to stay away from him. What if one of them chokes or otherwise hurts themselves and he's in too much of a stoned fug to do anything about it? He sounds like a total waste of space.

Schtinkay · 17/09/2017 13:00

Wow. What a total loser.

yanbu at all OP

Original poster

WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 13:02

He's not an all day stoner. He smokes at night to get to sleep but he is reliant on it and he can't sleep anyway so it obviously is not helping!

If he turned up stoned out of his head I would never hand them over but he honestly has never done that.

I've only ever seen him really stoned once at a party. He does it to relax and not during the day but it's not the point.

The point is I don't know if he still has a toke before bed when they are there.

OP posts:

VinoTime · 17/09/2017 13:04

You're asking if it's okay to stop sending your children to your addict ex's dump of a flat, where they are made to fend for themselves all weekend and spend every minute in front of a screen, while he sleeps, completely neglects their care and wellbeing and can't be trusted to remain sober?

In the gentlest possible way, OP, do you actually need strangers on the internet to answer this one for you?

Stop sending them immediately. He's a selfish twat.

Kyyria · 17/09/2017 13:06

Just as a heads up - GPs don't deal with toothache. All they will do is tell him to go to a dentist. They aren't oral specialists - dentists are. He needs to book in to see a dentist.

Original poster

WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 13:07

I'm in no way trying to defend him. I have no reason to.

But I'm also not going to lie and try and make him out to be worse than he is. What's the point. I wanted unbiased opinions. I could say he was a raging alcoholic and crack addict to get the reaction or response I want but I'm trying to be truthful.

He drinks beers occasionally at night. A few times a week. He smokes weeds each night to 'relax him. I don't know how much and I don't know if he does it when the kids are there though I know he has in the past when he has been in sole charge of them.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 13:08

Kyyria. There were no dentist appointments so I thought they might just give him some painkillers until monday. Also he needed his antidepressants and needed to talk about his sleep issues.

OP posts:

microchrista · 17/09/2017 13:09

If somebody reports him you might have found yourself in trouble, too, if you had continued to allow them to go to him. Of course you're doing the right thing. I'm glad to hear it's going to stop. Agree with what vino said.

The CB needs to stop, too. It appears to be funding his habit, (or part funding). He is not your responsibility. It might be the push he needs to sort himself out.

Sprinklestar · 17/09/2017 13:09

I hope this is a wind up. You're an adult. You have the power to change things. Your poor children don't. God knows why you're being complicit in their neglect. He's an alcoholic and a drug addict. Anyone with basic common sense knows that's not the kind of person you send children to stay with for the weekend, where their most basic needs won't be met. His mother is just as bad, another one complicit in all this but who sounds to have done nothing to resolve it. Taking the çhildren out for the day is a nice touch, but allowing them to go back to sleep in a bed with a stoner is appalling!

Allthewaves · 17/09/2017 13:17

Tell him day visits only. Drop them off or he collects sat morning then returns them sat night and the same for Sunday. Start taking steps back. If he's not getting up for weekend day visits then you review it again

Original poster

WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 13:21

OK.

Going to leave this thread now.
But thankyou for your help. And rest assured I will sort it.

OP posts:

WhoWants2Know · 17/09/2017 13:25

Also, OP, how did he ever get them every weekend anyway? That's ridiculous, even if he was a brilliant parent! It means that most of the time you have them, they'll be in school or bed and you'll be scrambling to get them sorted. They must miss you.

microchrista · 17/09/2017 13:26

You don't need to leave the thread, OP. We can see you're doing the right thing now. Some of us might have put the point across a bit firmly, and I apologise if I have.

Good luck to you anyway.

Salmakia · 17/09/2017 13:43

The people saying OP is abusing her kids by enabling this are being utterly nasty. You're clearly doing the best you can to force your ex to have meaningful relationship with his kids while giving them a safe secure home with no support from him at all. Unfortunately you can't force other people to better themselves. You know limiting contact till he is better is right for the kids, good luck.

Original poster

WhitneysEnd · 17/09/2017 14:00

That's what hurts Salma. I don't want them to not have a dad. I'm trying to help him and them bit just cone to the realisation this weekend that it isn't working.

OP posts:

pregz · 17/09/2017 14:22

I think you have handled it really well , and I don't think many people would have done what you have done to try and make things work!
You're definitely not BU , as a pp said if you let him know that he is more than welcome to visit the children and take them out for the day to the park or wherever then your not at all stopping him from being an involved dad , could you let his mum know the situation and that she as well is welcome to see the DC?
You're only doing it for the benefit of your DC not out of spite towards your ex , and you could easily let them go every weekend and enjoy your DC free time without a care so anyone can see you don't have bad intentions!
Good luck OP hope it all works itself out in time X

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 17/09/2017 17:18

He isn't a parent though.
Good df don't spend cb on drugs and drink. You are enabling him by letting you him cash benefits meant to benefit your dc!!

Frouby · 17/09/2017 17:29

Stop the visits.

Don't send a long email. Just state facts.

The dcs are left to fend for themselves.
They aren't taken out.
There is nowhere suitable for them to sleep.
They don't want to go.
The flat is dirty and cramped.

I wouldn't get drawn into a discussion or arguement about whether he does or doesn't smoke weed while he has them. He will deny it. He can't deny the above facts.

I would also contact his dm if you have that sort of relationship. Would the dcs want to go to hers at all? Do they have a good relationship? Is her house suitable for overnight visits with her and their df?

If he kicks off just state that until the flat is clean and tidy, he has blow up beds or something and that he has a plan for something to do with them that overnights stop. And if he kicks off you won't be able to facilitate contact.

butterfly56 · 17/09/2017 17:43

He is unfit to have them every weekend, but that probably benefits you more than your children.
You are knowingly allowing your children to be neglected, not fed or cared for properly and to live in squalid conditions 2days out of 7.

This situation needs to stop and you need stop trying to minimise what you are doing here by saying you are trying to help him.

You need to take care of your children and protect them. The impact on them this situation is having on them will last a lifetime.

Flip

1 2