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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming with husband

79 replies

FoolNoMore2016 · 16/09/2017 23:59

My husband is an a$$!!! He has been drinking since this afternoon and has upset dd and her friend, had friends mother round as soon as I got back from town 😡. Then he comes home legless at gone 9pm saying his was going clubbing with a neighbour, which is fine by me, but as he leaves the house he tells dd that she will probably have a new mum tonight. Dd thought this was hilarious, she is 14, and I laughed along with her, but inside I am seething. He came back an hour later claiming that he was "offered it on a plate" but would rather be here with me.... Then he went straight to bed. Sorry for the long post, just needed somewhere to rant a little

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 18/09/2017 09:10

Your poor children.

Original poster
FoolNoMore2016 · 18/09/2017 09:24

It's borderline personality disorder. I am currently downloading forms to take into the courts today. Dd told him last night what he had said and he just laughed, he really thinks he has done nothing wrong. He even accused me of cheating yesterday, I don't go out often though unless I have the kids with me. I was supposed to be at a work trial today but have had to cancel that due to his behaviour. For the lady who asked if this is a wind up, I can assure it is most definitely not, this is my life and as shit as it is I am trying my best in a very difficult and bad situation.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 18/09/2017 09:28

Sorry OP - my comment wasn't aimed at you. He sounds like an absolute nightmare and you and your DC will have a peaceful life without him.

There is being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and there is being an abusive arsehole - there isn't necessarily a huge degree of overlap.

Walkingdead11 · 18/09/2017 09:32

poster PigletWasPoohsFriend

So what I said was accurate. Some people with BPD display this behaviour, typically.

Walkingdead11 · 18/09/2017 09:44

OP , you've done well to put up witj it for so long! Has he had any treatment?

Original poster
FoolNoMore2016 · 18/09/2017 09:49

Thank you kitty biscuits. You are definitely right about the overlap, he likes to use his bpd as an excuse at times. This time he is blaming the drink, which is usual for him. He also seems to have the ability to turn his moods and emotions on and off as needed, usually this is when he thinks he can gain something by acting a certain way. Off to courts and solicitors today then GP today or tomorrow to get myself sorted out, my depression is hitting me like a sledgehammer this week, been free of meds for years now, hoping I don't have to go back on them

OP posts:
Original poster
FoolNoMore2016 · 18/09/2017 09:50

He was taking mirtazapine and pregablin but gp changed his meds a little while ago. He was also seeing MH recovery team but got discharged from them last week

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 18/09/2017 09:56

Would you want a boyfriend/partner treating your Dd like this would you think it was ok and she should put up with it ? This man is manipulating you abusing you and your Dd you don't have to be his carer you don't have to live with somebody who treats you and your child like shite

Walkingdead11 · 18/09/2017 10:08

OP, I know exactly what you're going through. Has he left ? I'm guessing you know the suicidal threats may come soon? If he does just call the police, that's what I was advised to do by crisis team.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 18/09/2017 10:22

Telling your DD that she might "have a new mum tonight" would have been enough for me - let alone everything else!

You say that you are not ready to end the marriage right now, so all I can say is that I hope the day when you are ready comes very soon.

Please consider what your DD is being taught about acceptable behaviour in relationships here. Please also realise that you deserve so much more from your own life than this!

Original poster
FoolNoMore2016 · 18/09/2017 10:31

Thanks Walking dead. I am fully aware of the suicide threats, I had the police round so many time last year. He at one point told the GP he was going to kill himself if she didn't see him that day, he had already been seen that morning. She told me to take him in the following morning and said that if he chose to take his own life then it's his choice as she was not going to be blackmailed by him. He even tried to get the kids to watch him hang himself from there playhouse last year. Crisis team is useless here all they say is ring police but they can't do much unless he is in a public place.

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 18/09/2017 10:41

God so sorry op Flowers

I wish I could give you more constructive advice. I think you need to concentrate on yourself. Get yourself feeling better. Then deal with what he's doing to your family.

Hope the dr or someone else can give you better advice. Take care

Walkingdead11 · 18/09/2017 10:46

I know, they are completely useless!! It's all very well telling us to ignore and call the police but it's us who will have to live with it if they do!! Though statistically they don't carry through on threats of suicide. O tried loads of times to get my ex sectioned but no, not a chance.........just leave it to the likes of us to cope with it all on our own and we get NO support whatsoever!!

Original poster
FoolNoMore2016 · 18/09/2017 12:23

Exactly that walking dead. I have thought about moving out but that would make me intentionally homeless with 2 kids and nowhere to go. Feel like I am being forced to stay with him right now 😔

OP posts:
TheOtherGirl · 18/09/2017 12:26

Stop taking care of him and start taking proper care of your DD.

DaisysStew · 18/09/2017 12:31

All the other stuff is bad enough, but he tried to hang himself with his children watching - that's horrific! And not a genuine attempt at suicide but an awful attention seeking stunt that will have mentally scarred his children.

You need to find the strength to tell him to go. Your responsibility is to yourself and your children - not him.

CobwebKitten · 18/09/2017 12:33

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CobwebKitten · 18/09/2017 12:34

Alright, that was harsh.

But your situation is bordering on unbelievable. If it's true, please take the advice offered and get your kids out of that life before it destroys them.

krustykittens · 18/09/2017 12:43

I am so sorry, OP, for everything you are going through. He has been holding you hostage with emotional blackmail and now that he feels comfortable that you are not going anywhere, he is telling you that you are lucky to have him! Whatever MH issues he has does not excuse abusive behaviour. The best of luck today, I hope this is the day your life turns around.

Walkingdead11 · 18/09/2017 12:45

CobwebKitten

This is incredibly common actually. OP, I did kick my ex out and he was homeless for a while. It's HORRENDOUS to have to do that to someone but sometimes there is no other way. You and your dd are not responsible for him, you know that. Could he go to family while he gets help?

Original poster
FoolNoMore2016 · 18/09/2017 13:02

That's what I'm struggling with, walking dead. I am in the process of starting divorce proceedings but I am struggling with guilt as well as the anger that I'm feeling. I'm not sure if his family would put him up or not but I have to just put up with him for now as he is on the tenancy and refuses to leave so I can't do anything at all at the minute.
Cobwebkitten : from your not very helpful assumption I can only assume you have never been in a bpd relationship. He will twist everything I say and do to make it seem like he is a victim. If I ask him to leave (which he won't do) then I am kicking him while he is down. I can't do right for doing wrong most days. I can see how you have assume this may be unbelievable, but this is what my life is like daily and I wouldn't wish it I on my worst enemy

OP posts:
Walkingdead11 · 18/09/2017 13:18

poster FoolNoMore2016

I'm sure there will be some do gooder on here telling you that he's mentally ill and it's not his fault.......it bloody well is!!! At the end of the day what he is doing is emotional abuse and that is a criminal offence. You could have him arrested for that and if you got an injunction he would not be able to return to the house. Believe me I know how tough that would be. I've had 8 yrs of it, free ish now (court case, stopped access) but I am largely free of him. Women's Aid might be able to help? Honestly you've served your time of this prison sentence. X

Original poster
FoolNoMore2016 · 18/09/2017 13:39

Glad to hear you're finally free walking dead. It's nice to hear that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Hopefully I will find that light very soon. Thank you for the supportive posts x

OP posts:
Walkingdead11 · 18/09/2017 14:21

There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, but it isn't going to be easy. I think you just reach a stage when you just know you can't go on with all the bullshit anymore. My ex used to do exactly what your husband does, trying to make me jealous and telling me he got lots of 'offers', plus the never taking responsibility for anything could also be a sign of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, people with BPD often have other personality disorders as well. Honestly, I know it seems cruel to write off another human being but sometimes you have to in order to protect yourself. I suspect I have PTSD as a result of what my ex put me through so keep that in mind. They are the disordered ones, not us, remember that.

TheOtherGirl · 18/09/2017 14:53

This man is a total waste of air. So why do you care how he 'twists' things or that he will say you are kicking him when he's down when you threaten to throw him out?

If it were me I would enthusiastically agree with him and say 'Yes, yes I am kicking you when you're down and I couldn't care less as I just want you gone.'

I would also make it clear that it doesn't matter what he thinks of me because his opinion is irrelevant. Stop giving him this power over you.