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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming with husband

79 replies

FoolNoMore2016 · 16/09/2017 23:59

My husband is an a$$!!! He has been drinking since this afternoon and has upset dd and her friend, had friends mother round as soon as I got back from town 😡. Then he comes home legless at gone 9pm saying his was going clubbing with a neighbour, which is fine by me, but as he leaves the house he tells dd that she will probably have a new mum tonight. Dd thought this was hilarious, she is 14, and I laughed along with her, but inside I am seething. He came back an hour later claiming that he was "offered it on a plate" but would rather be here with me.... Then he went straight to bed. Sorry for the long post, just needed somewhere to rant a little

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 17/09/2017 07:15

Your DD laughing at his abusive comments is what would have me packing his bags and sending him on his way. He is abusive in his own right, but has taught your daughter to disrespect you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/09/2017 07:21

A non-molestation order? So he has been violent in the past then?

Not necessarily.

OP thinks relationship is destructive. It's over and you need to end it for your DD sake.

ButchyRestingFace · 17/09/2017 07:21

He came back an hour later claiming that he was "offered it on a plate

A full hour at a club??? Grin

My grandpaw could manage longer than that.

Sad little man.

Giraffeelephantgrape · 17/09/2017 07:25

He needs to go. You and your daughter deserve better than this. Would you be happy for your daughter to be in this relationship when she is older? Highly likely she will grow up and find herself in a similar relationship....

PickAChew · 17/09/2017 08:55

Convenient timing for that breakdown. It's in the same vein as all those blokes who threaten suicide every time it's not all about them or their partner makes a bid for freedom.

Bin him and let someone else deal with his dramatics. You can't fix him. It's up to him to act like a grown up take his medication properly and not be a dick. He's not willing to do that so you need to walk away and stay away before your DD grows up to spend her adulthood with a similar charmer because it's her normal.

Idontevencareanymore · 17/09/2017 09:03

I'd be gone after the new mum comment.

Sorry but illness is no excuse to be a dick

FlyingElbows · 17/09/2017 09:04

You're his carer (officially?) because of his Bpd? If that's true his function must be terrifyingly low and you should be very very wary of having a child exposed to that. As a pp has said what you're describing is not "caring" it's "enabling". You'll spend your whole life throwing people under the Bpd bus because it doesn't ever stop. Think about that.

Bumdishcloths · 17/09/2017 09:13

Ah, BPD, my total favourite. Been there, done that, thankfully had no children. Ended up being stalked for months after the breakup.

Get away from him. It sounds like he is a manipulative, abusive shit. It will get worse.

Original poster
FoolNoMore2016 · 17/09/2017 09:24

Thank you all for the replies. He has been violent a couple of times in the past. The non mol was for emotional and verbal abuse. My counsellor thinks I stay through guilt and habit. I have tried talking to him this morning and he doesn't seem to remember much about last night, surprisingly.

OP posts:
Notearsgoodbye · 17/09/2017 09:28

Did he stick to the terms of the non-mol? Was he still living with you then?

Papafran · 17/09/2017 09:30

A non-molestation order? So he has been violent in the past then?

Not necessarily

Piglet, firstly, violence/abuse is not always physical, it can be emotional, verbal or financial. Secondly, usually you need some quite serious behaviour in order for the court to grant a non-mol and thirdly, the OP has now confirmed that he HAS been violent.

just5morepeas · 17/09/2017 10:11

Glad you've got a counsellor op. Please try and get to a point where you can leave him - you know really that that's what you need to do.

It's better by far to be a single parent than subject yourself and your children to this kind of abuse. If it was one of your kids in your type of situation what would you want them to do? Would you want them to stay with someone who treated them like this?

Original poster
FoolNoMore2016 · 17/09/2017 10:27

He did stick to the conditions of the non mol pretty well, only a couple of minor issues when he was drinking excessively. Tbh most of his behaviour is usually due to drinking but he seems to think that because he do not drink every day that he has no alcohol issues. I have learnt to just ignore him when he is drinking, which is hard as I am a speak my mind kind of person. I have also learnt over the past year that it is true that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 17/09/2017 10:39

Do you want to stay with him?

Original poster
FoolNoMore2016 · 17/09/2017 10:58

That is a bloody good question. I do care about him and wouldn't wish him any harm, we have been together 21 years and have 3 kids together. I feel guilty about his breakdown last year even though I know it wasn't all down to me. We have no relationship really apart from living together, we sleep in the same bed but have had no psychical relationship for nearly a year. I have asked him to leave a few times but to make him go requires a court order as he is a joint tenant. My life would definitely be less stressful if I were single but I just can't face the fight at the moment, I am so emotionally drained that I am not sleeping much either.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/09/2017 11:06

Well you're clearly a more tolerant woman than me, it would have been over a long time ago for me.

You're exhausted because of what you're living with. It's a vicious circle. You need to make a decision, you are not responsible for him and uou have a responsibility for yourself and your daughter. She laughed when he said she'd have a new mum last night? You do understand how she's already warped in her view of a loving relationship , she shouldn't have found abuse funny,

For her sake, if not your own, end it. You're bringing her up to believe this is how men behave.

Spangles1963 · 17/09/2017 21:25

I'm at a loss as to understand why the words 'Avoid alcohol' can be interpreted as anything but 'Do not drink any alcohol'. How can he possibly think that it means anything else?!

C0untDucku1a · 17/09/2017 21:30

He is still drinking. He is threatening to replace you to keep you in your place. He is unpleasant and you have no physical Relationship. Can you not end your tenancy and move out? Find somewhere else? He clearly
Brings nothing to the marriage.

Bambamber · 17/09/2017 21:39

You're emotionally drained because he is emotionally abusing you. He has already been violent a couple of times in the past. Please get out before it escalates. The fact you daughter laughed at such an awful comments makes it seem as though she's conditioned to such verbal abuse and my even see it as normal. If you don't get out for your own sake, do it for your daughter or she may grow up thinking it's normal to treat people in such a manner.

I suspect he didn't have a breakdown at all. It comes across as emotional blackmail to make you stay. He shows no sign of wanting to change so the situation isn't going to get better

Walkingdead11 · 17/09/2017 21:52

My ex has BPD, please, for your own sake get out, he will never change. He's completly manipulated you into staying with him but he is not your responsibility. I've been trying to get away from mine for years but they are masters of manipulation. Get rid!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/09/2017 22:00

Please don't stereotype everyone with BPD.

Walkingdead11 · 18/09/2017 08:24

Who's stereotyping? The behaviour by the OP's husband is typical of some with the condition.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/09/2017 08:59

The behaviour by the OP's husband is typical of some with the condition.

Clue is the word some.

MulberryTree47 · 18/09/2017 09:02

Is this actually a wind up? What kind of person tolerates that behaviour? Honestly, I am speechless.

kittybiscuits · 18/09/2017 09:08

Just as a starter for 10, are we talking about Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? I am very uncomfortable with a snapshot of an individual being cited as typical of any specific MH issue.