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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fucking hate my STBXH

29 replies

PickleFactory · 16/09/2017 14:41

It's me again, sorry just really, really need to offload.

You may have seen my recent threads, just told twaty H that I want a divorce. I'm SAHM and have 2DC.

H told me today that he might go for full custody, that's unlikely, or go pt so he can have his DC more. If he goes pt this will fuck me up big time and he knows it. He will only have to pay me around £300 a month in maintenance and he won't qualify for spousal maintenance which he would if he stayed ft.

How the hell will I cope financially? Yet he says he's worried how I will cope and he says this.

Really fucking hate him now.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 16/09/2017 14:42

How much childcare does he do currently?

notapizzaeater · 16/09/2017 14:46

Have you run your figures through www.entitledto.co.uk to see what you'd get in benefits

Runningpear · 16/09/2017 14:51

Work out your entitlement in benefits, plan your budget and see what you need your income to be. TBH I would be updating my CV if I were you, and starting to look for work. Then at least you can rely on your own income rather than being at his mercy if he's starting to be an arse about it.

Original poster
PickleFactory · 16/09/2017 14:52

TheSparrow we live in the same house and I don't work so really he does no childcare.

notapizzaeater I haven't yet as it won't be a true amount as I'm still living in family home so will be different rates etc

OP posts:
Original poster
PickleFactory · 16/09/2017 14:55

Running I've applied for so many jobs and not even getting interviews. It doesn't help that I've not worked for 9 years. That's another frustrating thing that I can't get a bloody job so I'm totally relying on his money.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 16/09/2017 15:00

If he only wants 50% of the time with his/your children in order to avoid paying some of the child support (he would otherwise have to pay) then he is being unreasonable.

If you only want to prevent him having 50% of the time with his/your children in order to be able to claim full child support then you are being unreasonable.

It is often in a child's best interests for separated parents to share care/time. Are there any valid non-monetary reasons (that are in the children's best interests) as to why he should not have the children part of the time?

As to him not having to pay spousal maintenance and "how the hell will you (I) cope financially", as another poster has mentioned, you may be entitled to benefits, but how old are the children? Will you be able to work?

CarrieMayBe · 16/09/2017 15:03

When I queried with my solicitor whether my ex could get 50/50 care of the children she said the court likes to keep the status quo. So, if he's never done anything like 50% of childcare then it's unlikely he'd get it. Also, he'd need to prove he can look after the children in the same way I could - i.e. Not using childcare to do it.

They like every other weekend and half of school holidays rather than 3 days with one parent and 4 with the other. Or a week with one, a week with the other. It's seen as too disruptive for small children especially. It's unusual for the main earner to be granted 50/50 although of course if both parents agree to it then it wouldn't be prevented.

HTH Smile

ADishBestEatenCold · 16/09/2017 15:03

"It doesn't help that I've not worked for 9 years."

What did you do before?

Runningpear · 16/09/2017 15:03

Keep applying for stuff, it is disheartening to keep being knocked back, but there will be something out there for you.

Original poster
PickleFactory · 16/09/2017 15:12

ADish I don't want him to have the DC 50/50 because he has a bit of a temper on him and that worries me. But that's my word against his.

I used to be an air stewardess. Definitely can't go back to that because of the hours and childcare.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/09/2017 15:14

You don't want spousal support anyway.

If your intending to claim benefits they consider spousal to be income so deduct it.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/09/2017 15:17
Grin

I was on your other thread.

Yes, this is the next thing they say. Wow, your Ex Bingo card is filling up fast!

'Well, that's interesting. Primary custody? So, you're planning on halting your career? That's quite a challenging position to put yourself in, take it from one who has done it. I guess we would have to factor it all in - just the same as the financial arrangement will have to take into consideration my career sacrifices and provide for my retraining, etc. I think it's more likely that we'll be able to work towards a 50/50 split which will allow me to rebuild my career, but let's wait and see what solicitors advise.'

He doesn't want primary custody. Have the kids most nights while you go off with yer fancy men? Not a chance.

He probably doesn't even want 50:50. Certainly not if it turns into him 'babysitting' so you can learn how to earn more money than him.

What he wants is to scare you into carrying on being his drudge and the person who brings his kids up for him. He's lost that, because he cheated on you, and the worm has turned.

Stay out of the box, worm. You are doing great.

Longdistance · 16/09/2017 15:21

Hi Pickle I used to cabin crew. What jobs are you applying for?

Elendon · 16/09/2017 15:28

go pt so he can have his DC more. If he goes pt this will fuck me up big time and he knows it.

He will never do this, trust me. Been there! He told mutual friends he was going part time with his new twins by his affair partner. Did he do this? She is now a SAHM (and was my intellectual superior).

Anyway, call his bluff if he persists. He's a bully.

Elendon · 16/09/2017 15:32

Spousal support isn't income because it's already taxed at source, just like child maintenance.

Ellisandra · 16/09/2017 15:32

Yes yes to the bingo card!

Tell him that your aim is to coparent amicably as that is best for the children. And that the best way to stay amicable is to agree assets and child arrangements through solicitors and mediation because they can be objective.

You need to think about what childcare split is best for your children, without thinking about money. You will cope.

If - if if if - you decide on 50/50 and no maintenance, be damn sure that your 50 doesn't fall in such away that makes finding work hard! For example, letting him have weekends whilst you do more restrictive school runs.

Consider writing into your Consent Order that he pays X% of childcare costs, completely separate to maintenance. It's childcare cost that will impact your options for being economically active.

Whatever the outcome, you will cope. You really will. So just let off steam here and roll your eyes at the inevitability of his shit.

There's no point in listening to him. You don't have a choice, if the choice is to stay with a man who cheated on you and now threatens and blackmails you over money.

Original poster
PickleFactory · 16/09/2017 15:41

thanks for all the advice, again. I'm sure you will see lots more posts from me.

Fizzy I remember you on my other thread lol, I'm waiting for the "nobody will want you with young kids" comment off him now. He's starting to show his true colours.

Longdistance I'm applying for anything customer service wise, retail, travel agent etc but to no joy. I would go back flying in a heartbeat but they never take pt and childcare is impossible as I don't have family nearby.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 16/09/2017 15:47

"I don't want him to have the DC 50/50 because he has a bit of a temper on him and that worries me. But that's my word against his."

Do you mean he actually looses his temper with the children? If you have concerns about their physical or emotional safety when with him, then you have to raise that with your solicitor.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/09/2017 15:56

💐. He's a wanker. If you expect the worst you won't be taken by surprise again.

Definitely say what Fizzy said. Cool, calm, collected. Don't let him see how much he's rattling your cage.

I didn't see your other threads so I don't know all the details, but I hope it's not long before you can be living in a separate house. It's too difficult to resist burying them in the veggie patch if you have to keep living with them.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 16/09/2017 15:58

Hi Pickle, with your air stewardess skills, how about something in hospitality? There's a site called www.caterer.com which lists loads of available jobs. Travel agent also sounds like a really good idea. I sympathise as I am looking for something (different field) and it can be demoralising when you keep applying - something will turn up though.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/09/2017 19:15

eldon

For benefit purposes spousal support is treated as income you already have coming in and as such your benefit is reduced because of it.

Of course that is assuming the op would be claiming UC (which almost all new benefit claims will be) unless she has more than 2 kids already born before last April.

Birdsgottafly · 16/09/2017 19:33

OP fill in the entitled.to as though you have split. It will put your mind at rest.

He's got no intention of going for anything, otherwise he would have done his research and know that there is no chance of him getting residency. It will take time for him to build up to shared care. I doubt he would put his life on hold to do that.

He's clutching at straws.

You'll manage, you might financially have a tough couple of years, but things will be so much better, in the long run.

Original poster
PickleFactory · 16/09/2017 20:15

Thanks Lobster I will have a look at that website.

I doubt I will get spousal maintenance if he goes pt.

I will start having a look what I'm entitled to. I think I can start claiming now.

OP posts:
GoldenOrb · 16/09/2017 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 16/09/2017 20:19

He is going to be difficult. What you need to assume is that even if you are awarded spousal maintenance and the CMS says you are entitled to child maintenance you will never get it. There is so much that a man can do to not pay and for nothing of any substance to happen when pay,nets go unmade. Self,reliance all the way. It's hard, but you can do it.

He won't give up his job and he doesn't want the children 50/50. It will interefere too much with the new life he will build. Just smile and wave, smile and wave.