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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to end this friendship?

55 replies

lastofthewintergin · 16/09/2017 08:12

I have a friend of 3 years, similar age, kids similar ages. We meet occasionally for meals out, kids play dates, etc and chat regularly. About 6 weeks ago we saw an event on FB that we would both like and she suggested we go as it was happening the day after my birthday and she would pay for my ticket as a birthday present. For the record I had bought her a lovely present and card for hers last month. We've mentioned the event a few time in the interim and I text her 4 days before asking what the plan was for meeting, etc. She said she'd let me know. I've had a shitty birthday week with sickness bugs in the house and was really looking forward to it. Event started at 7, she text me at 5.30 to say that her OH has just surprised her with tickets for a gig (that very minute) so she was going to that instead, very sorry, we'll go out another night etc. I replied essentially saying thanks but no thanks. She has let me down before, but nothing like this, so it's the straw that broke the camel's back really. AIBU to end the friendship?

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 16/09/2017 08:16

Yes tbh I think you are. She was in a sticky spot and she has to live with her other half so I can see why she idi not choos you over him! It's disappointing but a bit dra,tic to end the friendship.

Whocansay · 16/09/2017 08:16

I'd block her without a second thought. That is a shitty thing to do in so many ways, And she knows it.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 16/09/2017 08:16

That is proper shitty. Yeah, I would send a final message (cos I would just have to) saying I was really looking forward to the event and was hurt when you cancelled etc. Goodbye, then block.

ooooopsupsideyahead · 16/09/2017 08:19

Yeah I'd drop her. Surely if she had any intention of going out with you her husband would have known as he'd have to have watched the kids?

If I'm going out of a Friday evening (or any night) I'll run it past my DH and he does the same with me so we know the other one is free for childcare.

If he'd known she was going out with you, surely he wouldn't have surprised her.

PeabodyTheGreat · 16/09/2017 08:20

Depends- she could have been between a rock and a hard place. How has she let you down before? For a one off, I wouldn't be thrilled over the situation but wouldn't end a good friendship over this.

TheDodgyEnd · 16/09/2017 08:20

Whatever happened to sticking to whichever plan was made first?! YANBU - friend was very mean. Sounds like the flaky type who didn't give a hoot a pit dumping a friend for a better offer. You're better off without xx Flowers

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 16/09/2017 08:22

Less than 2 hours before you go out? He surprises her then? Surely she had mentioned your plans before. My DH surprised me for my birthday, any plans I mentioned for that date were met with a "um you might not be free..."

Very odd. I'd be hurt OP and YANBU to end the friendship IMO. You don't treat someone like that.

TooGood2BeFalse · 16/09/2017 08:23

An hour and a half's notice?Ridiculous

Jinglebells99 · 16/09/2017 08:24

Do you think she hadn't actually got tickets for your event?Shock Hmm it seems odd that she didn't give you the tickets so you could use them with someone else. I have a good friend who is just flakey around birthdays. I always get her presents and last year her sister asked me to help her make a special birthday video. I got a text on my birthday but what smarted was her giving other acquaintances from a group we go to birthday gifts and cards in front of me Hmm Her birthday is just coming around again and not sure what to do as mine ended up unacknowledged!

VanillaSugar · 16/09/2017 08:25

If it was a ticketed event and she was going to buy your ticket for you as your present, then surely ( if she had any intention of going) she would have bought them already prior to the day?

Barbaradidit · 16/09/2017 08:25

The husband thing is bullshit. She either forgot to buy the tickets or couldn't afford them or just decided not to go and couldn't be arsed with telling you.

Any photos on FB of this gig they went to?

burntbangers · 16/09/2017 08:26

If she's done similar in the past then end things, as in my experience it won't get better. If this is a one off, then give her a chance to explain / apologise face to face, doesn't have to be confrontational, and then decide whether you think she is being genuine or not and take things from there.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 16/09/2017 08:28

YADNBU that is pretty cheeky and with the earlier vagueness I'd assume she was never going to go and just couldn't be arsed to tell you. Flakey.

Kimmy why on earth was she in a tight spot? "Sorry DH what a lovely surprise but I'm seeing WinterGin tonight"
Surely he would have known she was planning on going out? Urgh she just sounds shit.

Original poster
lastofthewintergin · 16/09/2017 08:29

ooooopsupsideyahead and colours... it's exactly this that makes me think she knew about him having tickets way way way before she told me. She would have had to make sure he was there to watch kids. Me and DH 'book' these things in with each other so we don't clash nights out etc! I personally suspect she knew she was going way before but decided to say it was a 'surprise' so she could pretend she 'had no choice'.

OP posts:
Cupoteap · 16/09/2017 08:29

Do you believe her?

DerelictWreck · 16/09/2017 08:33

Yeah PP is right - her husband must have known surely as he would have been in charge of the kids?

Sounds to me like she was either never going to do it, or forgot to buy the tickets and lied to cover it up.

Sorry OP Sad

Original poster
lastofthewintergin · 16/09/2017 08:33

Cupoteap no I don't. My bullshit-o-meter is going into overdrive. I believe she went to the gig but I think she knew about it a long time before.

OP posts:
Original poster
lastofthewintergin · 16/09/2017 08:35

OK I know she went to the gig. It's on FB.

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 16/09/2017 08:37

Flaky people don't make good friends. Absolute nonsense that she had to put her husband first - apart from the fact she's fibbing, any decent partner would want her to stick to the arrangements she already had in place. And even if they didn't - if it were me I'd just say "sorry can't go to last minute surprise gig as I've made other plans for friend's birthday". You don't just cancel plans at the last minute because something else has turned up - especially when it's a long standing arrangement and someone is depending on you and it's their birthday treat and they've had a tough time. She's no friend -I would remain civil and wouldn't fall out over it but equally I wouldn't class her as a friend anymore.
My ex best friend did this to me over a significant age birthday celebration - I'd specifically checked the date with her and planned the celebration when she could be there and she called me a few days beforehand to say she couldn't make it as her and her husband had decided to go away instead. I was utterly gobsmacked - didn't say much but she knew I was upset - we're still in touch but I've never felt the same about the friendship since.

DavidsGoblinKing · 16/09/2017 08:38

It sounds to me as though she never bothered to get the tickets for your event - she'd have made plans about meeting up otherwise instead of just wait and see. I'd be quite upset.

Trollspoopglitter · 16/09/2017 08:39

So if both were going, who was watching their kids?

The normal thing (if someone did surprise you) would have been to apologise, give you the tickets and help you find a sitter so you and your husband could go.

For a minute I wondered if she had an abusive husband who was trying to control her going out... but she would've given you the tickets.

Can you check if she didn't just take her husband instead of you to the same event?

MrMessy · 16/09/2017 08:41

YANBU and I don't believe she had even bought the tickets. Sometimes friendships are just too one sided to bother with.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 16/09/2017 08:43

I think Coffee has it... No need to block, esp if you have kids who get on, but def take the friendship down a notch.

As PPs have said, if she'd actually brought the tickets, surely she'd have given them to you??? Has she given you anything else for your birthday?

Jinglebells99 - what are you going to do? I'd suggest a jovial 'happy birthday' text to your friend could cover it?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/09/2017 08:44

She's not a true friend ... ditch !

Cupoteap · 16/09/2017 08:46

Then you will probably never be able to get past that. She should have just been honest earlier on.

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