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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to end this friendship?

55 replies

lastofthewintergin · 16/09/2017 08:12

I have a friend of 3 years, similar age, kids similar ages. We meet occasionally for meals out, kids play dates, etc and chat regularly. About 6 weeks ago we saw an event on FB that we would both like and she suggested we go as it was happening the day after my birthday and she would pay for my ticket as a birthday present. For the record I had bought her a lovely present and card for hers last month. We've mentioned the event a few time in the interim and I text her 4 days before asking what the plan was for meeting, etc. She said she'd let me know. I've had a shitty birthday week with sickness bugs in the house and was really looking forward to it. Event started at 7, she text me at 5.30 to say that her OH has just surprised her with tickets for a gig (that very minute) so she was going to that instead, very sorry, we'll go out another night etc. I replied essentially saying thanks but no thanks. She has let me down before, but nothing like this, so it's the straw that broke the camel's back really. AIBU to end the friendship?

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 16/09/2017 08:48

I don't believe for a second that she bought tickets for your event, or that she didn't know her DH had tickets for the gig. She could have just said in advance and saved you getting excited. It's a really shit thing to do.

MrMessy · 16/09/2017 08:49

Did she respond to your 'thanks but no thanks' text?

Viviennemary · 16/09/2017 08:49

That was so mean and selfish. Don't end the friendship but don't make plans with her as she is too unreliable.

Gemini69 · 16/09/2017 08:52

she is having a laugh.... totally taking the PISS...

DITCH Flowers

YellowFlower201 · 16/09/2017 08:52

YANBU. Did she respond?

Original poster
lastofthewintergin · 16/09/2017 08:56

Messy no response yet.

The irony of the whole thing is that I saw the gig she ended up going to advertised, fancied going myself with DH but of course I wouldn't have done that because I'd already MADE PLANS Angry

Trying to turn a negative into a positive, I have taken this as a kick up the arse that I need to sort myself out and get new, better friends that are more similar to myself so I'm going to join a local book group Blush

OP posts:
QuimReaper · 16/09/2017 08:56

Were you supposed to buy tickets on the door? If you were supposed to buy them in advance then clearly she didn't. It's so weird that she only gave you 90 minutes notice either way though, she must have known she wasn't going to make it, and the "surprise gig tickets" excuse could have been wheeled out a few days ago. "Arrrgh last I'm so sorry, DH and I got our wires crossed about Friday and he's just sprung me with gig tickets! They're non-refundable so I'm going to have to bail on our plans, so sorry blah blah blah..."

If she is married with children there's no way on earth she wouldn't have mentioned her plans to her husband. You can't just breeze out on a Friday evening saying "hey, just off with last, back around midnight" - obviously you have to coordinate.

Anyway, I think I'd just ignore her from now on. I don't think anything you can say will convey your hurt better than silence.

pilates · 16/09/2017 08:58

I don't think she ever intended going to the event with you in the first place. Sorry but she sounds devious, not someone I would want to be friends with.

MrsAJO2014 · 16/09/2017 09:01

I agree with VivienneMary

Take things down a notch, step back. Don't break off the friendship but don't invest much time or effort in it. I had a very flaky friend like this once, I broke off the friendship. A year later we started talking and have seen each other twice in the last 18months despite living 10 mins apart. Sucks but at least there's no pretence anymore. Some people don't think that cancelling last minute all the time is an issue - she thought I was overreacting and being childish - but I have no time in my life for people who are only my friend when they 'feel like it' or until something better comes along. I'd like to say I'm worth more than that, but in actual fact that I'm just too busy for that kind of fair-weather/fake bullshit.

Trollspoopglitter · 16/09/2017 09:07

Why wouldn't you break off a friendship where you think one is rude/disrespectful and other is childish and just pretend to be friends for a while? You don't need a confrontation, you just ignore!

sonjadog · 16/09/2017 09:09

I wouldn´t bother with her any more.

MrsJamesAspey · 16/09/2017 09:19

I wouldn't be friends with her anymore, i think that would have been bad if it had just been a normal night out, the fact that it was a birthday treat and she was supposed to have bought tickets makes it even worse.

If she ever messages you asking to meet up just reply with "no sorry I've got better plans" Grin

Evewasinnocent · 16/09/2017 09:23

Reading this thread I finally understand why there are so many people on MN bemoaning a lack of friends! Think about it the person had a clear choice DH or you - tickets to desired gig or to vague event with occasional coffee buddy!

WWIBU to choose DH and apologise and arrange to do again? Try a more tolerant approach and empathic in future (all of you!)

SaucyJack · 16/09/2017 09:33

How popular would the gig that she went to have been?

Just wondering if it was sold out, and your birthday event was the Plan B if her husband couldn't get last minute tickets.

Shittty behaviour tho. Especially leaving it until the night you were going to dump you.

Original poster
lastofthewintergin · 16/09/2017 09:35

It was hardly a vague event Eve and we are more than occasional coffee buddies. But thank you for your valuable input. Hmm

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 16/09/2017 09:35

WWIBU to choose DH and apologise and arrange to do again?

Seriously? You make plans with a friend to go somewhere special for her birthday and then an hour beforehand dump her for a better offer?

How was the gig btw?

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/09/2017 09:35

Surely if she had bought the tickets she could have given them to you and you could have taken someone else?

Evewasinnocent · 16/09/2017 09:40

Enjoying the thoughtfulness and tolerance here!

Notreallyarsed · 16/09/2017 09:43

OP was offered tickets to a specific event for her birthday, and an hour and a half before it she discovered that so called friend hadn't bought tickets and was ditching her to go somewhere else. (Which meant she couldn't make any other plans for that night either)

I can't actually believe anyone would think this was ok!

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 16/09/2017 09:47

Eve don't talk crap. That is not the sort of friend anyone wants or needs.

Wishfulmakeupping · 16/09/2017 09:51

I would be so annoyed obviously she had intention of going :(
At the very least I'd be downgrading the whole friendship

LindyHemming · 16/09/2017 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DingDongDenny · 16/09/2017 09:53

Enjoying the thoughtfulness and tolerance here!

So am I - It's so nice that the majority of posters agree that friends should be thoughtful and tolerant and treat each other with respect

  • Oh is that not what you meant Eve Wink
Original poster
lastofthewintergin · 16/09/2017 09:56

Euphemia tickets had to be bought before. She obviously didn't bother.

OP posts:
IfNot · 16/09/2017 10:01

Yeah that's shitty. YANBU
It doesn't matter how casual the friendship is-if you make a (Birthday!) plan, you either stick to it, or cancel way ahead of time.
Also, with regard to making and keeping friends- casual coffee pals can become really solid friends, I mean good friends don't just turn up fully fledged, do they?!
And just because you are married to someone doesn't mean that plans with them automatically take precedence.
Women live longer. We're gonna need pals to hang out with when the husbands are long gone!

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