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AIBU?

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Original poster

my dp thinks I'm being unsupportive because his new job may mean he's away while I give birth!

45 replies

LiliAnjelika · 04/04/2007 20:15

My dp works in TV on a freelance basis. A potential new job may mean him being away in MOzambique/South Africa for four months around the time I'm due to give birth! It's a huge opportunity for him and he expects me to a) be absolutely delighted, b) hop on a plane to Africa to give birth - with a toddler in tow, and c) hang around in a hotel for a few months with a newborn and toddler in a foreign country where I know no-one. I HATE the idea. For a start, I worry about safety, vaccinations, infrastructure, all the usual practical things. I also worry about not having my usual support network of family and friends around me when I most need them. I imagine being stuck in a hotel room breastfeeding all day with no one to talk to until my dp comes home from a 12 hr day filiming. So what if it's a f*king 5 star hotel! He thinks I'm boring, unsupportive and have no sense of adventure (Mel Gibson's wife doesn't complain apparently!Bless her). Of course I also get really upset about the idea of him not being around while I give birth, and in the period of bonding afterwards. Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
Scootergirl · 04/04/2007 20:17

Maybe he won't get it?

tribpot · 04/04/2007 20:20

Well now, it's good enough for Angelina

In seriousness, obviously you can't do this. I don't really care what Mel's wife does, I would lay odds though she does the baby birthing in Oz with her family around her. If your dh can't be available, I think you need to do that too - there's no real benefit to you in being there, is there?

Sense of adventure - perhaps he should try giving birth and then telling you what a sense of adventure is!

foxinsocks · 04/04/2007 20:22

lol

don't be tempted to go over there - SA has some lovely hospitals but it's really not worth being away from your support network when you have a new baby and if he does get the job, they won't stop filming so that he can be with you (I imagine).

I think a Big Chat about priorities is needed.

hannah12 · 04/04/2007 20:24

I work in tv as well so I know that when an opportunity comes along it is difficult to turn down as there are hundreds of other people willing to do the job and if you are asked once and have said no you are unlikely to be asked again. Having said that, I would not expect my children to come on a long film shoot with me! Whilst it may be exciting and an adventure for him, the reality for you is going to be being stuck in a hotel with not much support whilst he works long hours - very boring. How do you feel about being at home whilst he is working? Do you have family at home to help you? Do you have someone else to be a birth partner? Could he be released from filming duties when the time comes for you to give birth? If this is his job and his main source of income then possibly you need to consider his going for the sake of future jobs and possible income.

CorrieDale · 04/04/2007 20:27

Hmmmm. Personally, I think Mel Gibson's wife must be an absolute saint or just plain bonkers to put up with Mel Gibson. I mean, honestly!

Incidentally, would you be allowed to just hop on a plane? Dpn't airlines have 'boring' policies on such things. I must say, I think your DP is a little bit barking... (Not helpful, I know, but it sounds as though you and he are having two comletely separate conversations about this. With you being right, I should add.)

Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 04/04/2007 20:33

Apparently my worries are due to the fact that I lack the resources to create opportunities and things to do for myself while I'm out there!!! PSML. Clubbing, cultural excursions, all piece of piss with newborn. And as I'm reminded, we might be able to get a nanny & other help out there. I want people i LOVE around me.

AS for birth partners, cannot have mother inspecting tears in fanjo, no way!! Will try to think of someone else. It's not the same though is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 04/04/2007 20:37

CD - thanks for reminding me about plane policies. Will check them out. THink you're not allowed to travel after 36 weeks?

OP posts:
hannah12 · 04/04/2007 20:37

Completely agree - not the same and I would rather give birth alone than have my mother there so I am with you on that one!! Maybe he won't get the job and if he is well established in the industry it won't kill him to turn it down.

kama · 04/04/2007 20:38

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Message withdrawn

edam · 04/04/2007 20:39

Your dh is living in some parallel universe, clearly, where popping out a sprog is something people do in between takes... daft apeth.

You have a child already, don't you? So where on earth does he get these ridiculous ideas from?

CorrieDale · 04/04/2007 20:40

Re: birth partner. Why not look into hiring a doula? It's a good idea anyway, even if you are in the UK.

tribpot · 04/04/2007 20:47

Yes, you are clearly lacking the sort of adventurous spirit needed and the fact it would be grossly unfair on you, your dd and the new baby (probably last so on new baby who doesn't really care where he/she is) is immaterial.

As kama says, if you had no support network it sounds like it might be a good idea, but you do. And it's not the same. Doula for both birth and post-birth support sounds ideal, and I would be expecting dh to cough over the dough for it.

Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 04/04/2007 20:49

kama - interesting perspective. One of the main probelms is that when I do travel with dp, we are never anywhere for long enough to engage with local community etc. I've been in other cities while he's working and tried joining local playgroups etc but it takes a long time to establish good friends and a routine you're comfortable with.... Also I like having time to sort out my own childcare etc and have taken ages to find the right childminder here - which means that when I'm elsewhere I look after dd 24/7 and have no time to myself at all.

How do I find a doula. Quite like the idea.

OP posts:
dionnelorraine · 04/04/2007 20:50

Him not being there for you is one thing. Not ideal but possibly forgiving considering opportunity butfor him to expect u to get on a plane and give birth abroad is just stupid! selfish and very unreasonable!!

tribpot · 04/04/2007 20:53

doula . Go for it!

kama · 04/04/2007 20:59

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Message withdrawn

LucyLemon · 04/04/2007 21:04

What about creating a base for youself in SA that he can travel to? Is that possible? Maybe hire a lovely villa or cottage. I'm a big SA fan but do appreciate that this isn't ideal with a newborn.

Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 04/04/2007 21:08

tribpot - thanks. Already looked at site. Looks promising. If dp gets this job, I will definitely look into this.

I suppose the other thing that's bothering me a lot is the idea that dp will miss out on bonding experience with baby if I stay here. With dd, he turned down a job to be with me (it wasn't quite the same opportunity but still...) and as no other job turned up for a couple of months, he spent masses of time with dd and they are now inseparable, which I believe is in no small part due to this. She would miss him terribly too. I suppose wives of armed forces guys face this kind of situation daily...

OP posts:
tribpot · 04/04/2007 21:13

I don't reckon the early months are all that, to be honest. (Having said that, my dh is a SAHD and so I have always co-parented completely with him, so what the heck do I know?). If he puts in the spade work when he's back, the new baby will probably never know the difference. A more complicating factor is whether he's going to have to keep going away, when you have dd and dbump - and when they're both in school and you literally cannot follow?

Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 04/04/2007 21:16

LL - it's a nice romantic idea but I'm sure the reality would be slightly different. Essentially I'd still be alone...

I forgot to ask kama how she manages without a support network/chilcare... YOu're obviously more chilled than me. Basically I lose the plot TOTALLY without adult stimulation, girlfriends, a helping hand ...

OP posts:
Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 04/04/2007 21:24

tribpot - I totally hope you're right on this. And yes, dp will continue to have to travel and this is a long-term problem that we have to solve. To date, we've just muddled through, with me going on long weekends etc to see him, but I appreciate that when dd and dbump are in school I won't be able to MOVE! Dp has romantic ideas about airstream caravans/ boats/ travelling governesses etc! Thing is I want a life too. My suggestion is that he commits to taking a couple of months off a year, even if this means turning down one job a year, so that he can spend time with the family. WEekends are just not the same.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 04/04/2007 21:38

I wouldn't go on a long haul flight while heavily pregnant. I knew a young woman who flew back from Oz to UK while pg and died of embolism soon afterwards.

Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 04/04/2007 22:01

I'm so sorry to hear about the woman you knew who died of an embolism. I've read similar stories, and yes, it's one more thing to put into the equation.

I've also read something about not being able to fly with newborns too because of the risk of catching an infection etc

OP posts:
newgirl · 04/04/2007 22:12

will he get paternity leave? or is he freelance? just wondered if he could fly back as soon as baby was born for a holiday as four months sounds a long time? a doula or friend could be with you for birth - they tend to be better than some partners any way!

I'm just trying to be helpful - I would be having a complete tantrum about it to be honest, but you may be more serene than me!

blondehelen · 04/04/2007 22:14

my dh worked in Mozambique from when I was 20wks to 37wks and there was a possibility he wouldn't be home for the birth but there was no way I was heading over there with toddler in tow. The healthcare is questionable (dh had malaria while he was out there and the only dr in the area was away treating on a nearby island). I would not have stopped him taking the job but I just prepared myself for him not being here and it was a bonus that he was

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