my dp thinks I'm being unsupportive because his new job may mean he's away while I give birth!

[LiliAnjelika]

My dp works in TV on a freelance basis. A potential new job may mean him being away in MOzambique/South Africa for four months around the time I'm due to give birth! It's a huge opportunity for him and he expects me to a) be absolutely delighted, b) hop on a plane to Africa to give birth - with a toddler in tow, and c) hang around in a hotel for a few months with a newborn and toddler in a foreign country where I know no-one. I HATE the idea. For a start, I worry about safety, vaccinations, infrastructure, all the usual practical things. I also worry about not having my usual support network of family and friends around me when I most need them. I imagine being stuck in a hotel room breastfeeding all day with no one to talk to until my dp comes home from a 12 hr day filiming. So what if it's a f*king 5 star hotel! He thinks I'm boring, unsupportive and have no sense of adventure (Mel Gibson's wife doesn't complain apparently!Bless her). Of course I also get really upset about the idea of him not being around while I give birth, and in the period of bonding afterwards. Any words of wisdom?

would you be allowed to go on a plane trip whilst that heavily pregnant??

LiliNo. You want to be at home where you feel safe. That's a basic requirement.

My dh is also freelance and works in telly and he has always taken opportunities when they come up he never knows when the next blah blah blah. We've had difficulites like this too.

When I was first pg he was working in Manchester (we lived in London) and wasn't sure if he'd make it for the birth. I kept saying to him, 'You have to tell them you will be dropping everything and flying straight home as soon as I'm in labour' but he wouldn't.

By some good fortune I went into labour when he was off work but I gave birth in our home at three in the morning and he left to go back to Manch at 9am.

He says, 'You knew I was an actor when we married. I can't help who I am. This is business' etc. He has a point, but ... There comes a point when porfessional ego has to be compormised to give way to parenthood at some level. I mean my career has nose dived for my kids. It's only fair he makes some concessions too.

I'm definitely coming down on the side of staying home.

Off to bed to mull over the fab ammunition given to be by MN and will be back in touch in the morning.

Lili

You have a good support network at home, so I would definitely stay there. Your family will be there to be with your dd when you give birth and you could look into hiring a doula to be your birth partner. (Friend who is a single mum did this, and she was fab.) I know lots of people find it very important to have their dh there for the birth, but tbh it could have been my dh, Elvis or Lord flippin' Lucan in the room with me and it wouldn't have made much difference...

It will be a shame for your dh to miss out on the first weeks or months of your baby's life, but it won't stop them bonding. Really it won't!

I had to work though some of these ideas when I was pg with dd2, as it was possible my dh would be away on a training course for his projected new job (which eventually fell through, so all my worrying was pointless!) when I gave birth. Being with your dh is not the be-all and end-all. But you being happy is vital.

(Oh, and I thought you needed a doctor's note to fly after 24 weeks, but I could be wrong.)

Spidermama's made a very important point talking about you need to be somewhere you feel safe. Essential. In purely biological terms - being in an environment where you don't feel safe can actually inhibit labour.

Spidermama - interested to read your post. With actors this can happen at the other end of life too. I once knew an elderly man who was dying of cancer, and on the day he died, his son was on stage the same night acting because the show must go on. You say your career has taken a nosedive so therefore he should make concessions too. That's one way of looking at it. The other way is that one of you has to make a living, and if your career has nosedived, his is the only one left.

Hi everyone. I was going to write this morning telling everyone how I had definitley decided to stay at home to give birth, and possibly join dp later, depending on circusmatnces. However, dp now tells me that he turned down the opportunity this morning. It wasn't just because of my feelings, but also because the job did clash with another project which he was virtually signed up to do. I still feel guilty though, as he's currently lying in bed feeling depressed. However, it still remains the case that I would never even consider taking a job if it clashed with something as important as this (even if it meant being piss poor)and I suppose I resent the fact that I am always having to point this out - and having to live with the emotional fallout.

elasticwoman - I suppose the actor felt that he was nothing more he could do anyway. If he'd carried on with the show whilst his father was at death's door I would have been horrified!

Lili, I fail to see why you should feel guilty just because dp feels depressed. You've done nothing but express your feelings and every one is entitled to do that. It's right that you and dp should discuss what course of action to take. Let him take responsibility for his own feelings. That he feels bad about it doesn't mean he's blaming you, so don't blame yourself.

As for the actor - don't know for sure but guess he must have been going onstage every night as his father was dying, because the father was ill for 9 or 10 months before death.

After looking at the info I'd get a doula and stay in bed for 40 days afterwards while the doula looks after you and send him the bill. Sorted.

Definitely stay at home with doula you don't want to be flying about and in unfamiliar surrounds.

oh just seen he cancelled it, i'd still get a doula and stay in bed for 40 days

lil - phew sorted for now! I think it is hard when children take over careers etc - but it is only for a short while really so i hope he realises that and looks forward

What a chance and what a bad idea to lead your partner for 4 months. That's when things go wrong in marriages. He wants you there. He wants to be there when the baby is born. You don't have to juggle your own career. It could be great. You can get a gorgeous place to rent, some very cheap servants to help. You'll have a hugely good time and keep the marriage going nicely. I can't see why not to do it unless the cost of paying for a private birth out there is an issue.

last time I looked the major airlines didnt like to fly anyone after 36 weeks, past 32 without a GP cert- and lets face it you can't prefdicta ll will be OK. So best off he iosnt going tbh. Coz I dont think youd have been able to join him, realistically.

Two words: support network. Servants are not the same thing.

He should be putting you and your baby and child first.

Having a nice place and servants won't make up for what you will be losing

...servants????

Is this your partner, not your husband (ie you are not married)? Are you both British?

If you give birth abroad there might be issues about your partner getting registered as the father. Look into this carefully.

Hmmm,I have been happy to follow my dh all around the world with very small children and although I have done the whole staying in a flat for hours on end while he works his tits off thing,it was often pretty hard work.

I'm all for being surrounded by people you trust and love at this time.

My dh flew home for birth of our second child.He missed it actually (I didn't reaLLY MIND) BUT HE STAYED HOME FOR 3 WEEKS before clearing off again.That was a good compromise.