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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Posting here for traffic. STBXH putting the fear of God up me about life as a single parent.

32 replies

PickleFactory · 15/09/2017 13:30

A few days ago I called time on our 14yr marriage, I am seeing my solicitor on Tuesday to start divorce proceedings.

We have 2DS aged 9 and 6 and I'm currently a SAHM, but now frantically looking for work.

But my STBXH keeps telling me how hard it will be as a single parent and how I will really struggle financially and it will hit the kids hard.

I know it will be hard. But he is constantly telling me this and it's really starting to worry me.

I will get some equity out of the house and obviously maintenance, but he's telling me I'll only be able to rent.

Please tell me it's not that scary.

OP posts:

EamonnWright · 15/09/2017 13:32

It's obviously harder but it will depend on the support you have. My mother has been amazing and friends have also helped me.

RaspberryOverload · 15/09/2017 13:35

I've recently left a 30 year relationship. We have children. I am renting and have no savings. We (children and I) are happy. Just make sure you are organised, keep a notebook with everything written down to do, or to record anything untoward.

Smeaton · 15/09/2017 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

statetrooperstacey · 15/09/2017 13:39

I'm sure u will b fine. He just wants to panic you and make you change your mind. Don't let him.
I have been divorced twice, survived😁
Think of what you will be gaining! A new start all of your own! Be excited. Stride towards your new independence with your head up.

Anyway why would you give any credibility to his opinions? Your divorcing him for good reasons I assume😁

JemIsMyNameNooneElseIsTheSame · 15/09/2017 13:42

You will be absolutely fine. Re the house, is there any way you could stay? ExP pushed for me to sell and I almost did until I realised that I would have a chunk of equity but nowhere near enough to buy on my own. I could afford the mortgage payments, but lenders aren't interested in any income apart from your salary unfortunately.

RueDeDay · 15/09/2017 13:46

My life is sooooo much easier in every way, including financially, after becoming a single parent. I get no child maintenance, but every penny in my account is mine to save or spend as I want, I have so much more control over where the money is going and I'm eligible for child tax credits which I wasn't before. I make reciprocal childcare arrangements with other parents and they actually keep them instead of letting me down last minute. Don't believe him, he's just trying to scare you into staying.

skilledintheartofnothing · 15/09/2017 13:49

Well he is not going to say that your going to have a wonderfull worry free life without him is he?

Yes some things are more difficult. However (as a single parent of 7 years) i can say that yes it does mean that i have to be a bit more careful with money, but i am in complete control of what it is spent on. I am in charge of my life, my home and the atmosphere in it. I dont have to walk on eggshells, second guess or put someone elses needs before mine.

What he is saying is affecting you as at the moment you dont have the information you need. Go to your solicitors, go online to gov and look at what you may be entitled to. The more information you have the more incontrol you will feel.

Im worse off overall being on my own, but the actual money i have to spend on myself and my child has went up as there is not another person wanting clothed, fed, money for work, car payments etc etc.

You can do this. There are hundreds of women on this site alone that have and have built loving wonderful homes for themself and their child and have been through the learning curve of balancing the books on their own along with work/childcare/saving for holidays.
Just as when you had a first child you had to learn to be a parent before you found your rhythm, you just need a bit of time to be a single one x

GetYourRosariesOffMyOvaries · 15/09/2017 13:55

I much prefer my life as a single parent and my relationship wasn't even bad! We just weren't suited!

KickAssAngel · 15/09/2017 13:56

If he's worried that the children will suffer financially he could always support them generously. Or is he intending to deliberately keep money to himself and watch his children struggle?

There's an easy answer to the money problems.

TreesAr3Green · 15/09/2017 13:59

Echo everything that pp's have said. Also that being a single parent does not mean that you will never own a property. Put what you can from the equity away and once you and the dc have a good work/life balance then look at property prices, how much of a deposit you will require etc. You may be renting for a few years but at least you and DC will be happy. x

Gottagetmoving · 15/09/2017 14:06

It can be a struggle but so is staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy.
I split with my ex 30 years ago when my children were about 10 and 7.
I had to rely on benefits while I retrained but it was easier to manage even though I had less money. Getting maintenance from my ex was a constant battle but once I got work I was better off (although poor by most standards) We were happier...and that is what matters

letsmargaritatime · 15/09/2017 14:06

Do your own research and don't listen to him. I know of one couple who were better off financially apart, although they were low earners. It depends what you've been used to but as a single mum on a low wage you would get help from both housing benefit and tax credits/ universal credit so it's just scare tactics for him to say you will only have enough for rent.

Penny4UrThoughts · 15/09/2017 14:12

I've been much happier as a single parent than I ever was as a coupled parent.

Research shows women are happier after divorce, men are not.

If this is what you want, and it sounds like it is, don't let him talk you out of it.

Original poster

PickleFactory · 15/09/2017 14:20

Thanks for the replies and the words of reassurance.

I know he's just playing mind games with me but it's working.

Im divorcing him because he cheated, so it will be well worth it.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 15/09/2017 14:31

Ask the solicitor about the possibility of a mesher order - you stay in the house as primary carer until children leave education at which point house is sold and proceeds divided accordingly.

Absolutely your life will be easier.

Original poster

PickleFactory · 15/09/2017 14:37

Fizzy I've already mentioned this to him but he said he needs equity out of the house so he can buy somewhere. He won't do anything that makes my life easier.

OP posts:

HailLapin · 15/09/2017 14:45

You will be fine op. My years of single parenthood were incredibly happy! We actually ended up better off financially because I was the one of exh and I that was good with money and budgeting.

Also , and most importantly, myself and the dcs were happy and once everything had settled down I rediscovered a good social life.

I needed the support of my close family but luckily they were there as soon as they realised I needed them.

Good luck

Ellisandra · 15/09/2017 14:52

It's not up to him Pickle.
He doesn't just get to say no to a Mesher Order.
I'm not saying that a Mesher is the best option for you... but if it is best for you and fair, then basically tough fucking shit for him.
He can always go move in with the OW.

Come up with a standard response and refuse to vary it, like:

it'll be hard you know
yes it will, but I'll cope

anything related to settlement
I think it'll be easier for us to be amicable if we keep all discussion of that between solicitors as they can objectively advise on what is fair for everyone

Now, have you got a CETV on his pension that he's been accruing thanks to you being a SAHM, and netted off letting him keep that against the equity in the house?

FizzyGreenWater · 15/09/2017 14:58

Hahahaha I bet he did!

I wasn't suggesting you ask his permission...

As you're not there to make his life easier either, as your priority is your children's security, not keeping Mr. Cheat happy - then I suggest asking your solicitor about the possibility of applying for a mesher order.

Of course he wants equity out of the house. But as that's rather less important than HIS children keeping a secure roof over their heads, then he might not get his way.

Mesher orders don't happen only when the Omnipotent Male is soooo rich or kindly that he graciously allows his childrens' needs to come first. They happen when you stick up for yourself and start playing hardball, so smile and ignore and speak to your solicitor. Do that for everything in fact!

FizzyGreenWater · 15/09/2017 15:03

Oh yes if there's a pension, then you could be looking at keeping house and equity and getting a clean break.

He's really trying very hard to keep you scared and confused about this and the reason for that is that he knows full well that the more clued up and willing to fight you are, the worse it is for him. Because you are probably looking at a far better financial situ than you imagine so far. He's going to bust a gut to make sure you stay as ignorant as possible.

Stop talking to him. Stop listening to the scaremongering. Speak only to your sol, ask advice on here and blank him out. Definitely start ball rolling with either mesher order or get clued up on his pension etc.

CrazyHairSister · 15/09/2017 17:41

I was in a similar position a couple of years ago. I am so much happier without STBXH. You will be surprised how much easier life will be without him around.

And like Fizzy says, it's not up to him what happens, it is what is deemed to be in the best interest of the children. And if that is that they stay in the family home until they are 18 then so be it!

You need a shit hot lawyer.

seasidesally · 15/09/2017 18:17

Op and be prepared for him saying "who's gonna want you with 2 young kids"Not that I'm suggesting your looking but many bitter men trot that old one out

Good luck

Original poster

PickleFactory · 15/09/2017 18:18

Thanks so much for all the advice. I will push for this mesher order thenumber.

He has a pension which I am entitled to half off.

Wish I could get a job as that will be one less worry for me.

The lawyer I have has been recommended by a few people so fingers crossed she doesn't let me down.

OP posts:

Original poster

PickleFactory · 15/09/2017 18:19

Then not thenumber lol

OP posts:

reallyanotherone · 15/09/2017 18:25

Everything he's saying applies to him too.

He will be a single parent.
He will be dating with "baggage" and young kids.

He will more money to pay costs himself rather than sharing.

Turn it back on him. Everytime he says how hard it will be as a single parent, say yes, how are you going to afford all the bills yourself?

Also please see a solicitor. Chances are you will be allowed to stay in the marital home as the kids are so young- possibly with an arrangement until they are 18/21 if you can't afford to buy him out.

So also tell him you're staying put with the kids until arrangements are sorted legally. Do not sell or split equity.

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