To not know how to explain grandparents death to DS 3?

[flownthecoopkiwi]

Over the last two weeks both my DH parents have died due to terminal illnesses. He's been away caring for them. DD 8 is aware of what has happened and due to the death of our loved family pets previously knows what death means.

DS at 3 though doesn't have a clue. I've said that we shouldn't take them back to their GP house because he's not going to understand where they are.

AIBU though to just not really tell him until he is older? He's got a pretty good memory for people though... just not sure what to do!

You definitely need to tell him. Even if he doesn't fully grasp the meaning of it. There are lots of books and websites to help you with this (Winston's wish are good) and Cbeebies ran an episode of My Family this week that looked at parental bereavement and how to talk to kids about death.

So sorry your family is having such a hard time.

Oh how awful for you dh. Same happened to my dh when ours were young too. Both parents in 3 months.

To he honest it's about your dh and he will need far more support than a 3 year old who won't really know what's happened so I guess the way to deal with this is to tell your ds that daddy is unhappy as his parents have died. We didn't do the 'gone to heaven' thing. Just go with the flow and answer any questions he has as honestly as you can.

I think you do need to tell him, even if he doesn't understand.

e.g. Grandad and Granny were both very ill and old and they have died. That means we won't see them ever again, though we will remember them in our hearts. Dad is feeling very sad so will need lots of hugs from us. ? And expect to maybe have to repeat it over time?

You must tell him, he will understand some of what you say. Dont sugar coat it either, be factual but in a child friendly way, "granny and grandpa were very old and very ill and there bodies stopped working and they have died". Ds age 3 knows that his Nana has died and she had a forgetting bug (dementia). Sorry for your loss. Xx

You do need to tell him and let him see you are all upset.

My grandad died when I was 3. I can remember being told he'd gone to heaven and I asked why he didn't take me. Nobody cried in front of me so as not to upset me but I processed that as nobody cared that he had gone.

I blamed my grandma for him going, I reasoned that she had sent him away and I refused to speak to her for months.

It's important you involve him in your grief to some extent so he knows it's OK to cry and be upset when someone dies.

I think you just tell them fairly bluntly. 3 year olds won't really understand death but if you clearly explain that they are gone and aren't coming back they will get that.

Badger's Parting Gift by Susan Varley can be a vey helpful book to read to a child at such times. Your old child may also find the book helpful.

*older

Just be vague, vague vague at 3.

My father passed away this year, we told dd and tried not to be brutal and blunt, we said DF had died and has gone to the sky, now, months later she is clinging to me saying she doesn't want to me to die and she will say " so when you get a new daddy" and stuff like that. I wish we had been more vague

I think vague is worse. Especially don't use "went to sleep forever" or euphemisms like that - makes them frightened that other people will die in their sleep.

Straightforward is best. I think TeenTimesTwo's wording is good.

So sorry for your losses. I agree with pp, and just be honest and truthful in a child friendly way. Let him know that it's very sad, and it's OK to feel sad. Let him know that you all love him very much, and you will always remember the happy memories with granny and Grandad.

I would be careful about being too vague. Especially don't use euphemisms like gone away, passed or sleeping etc. You don't want your child misunderstanding and worrying about going to sleep.

I was fairly clear with my DC when my parents died similar to what Phillipa said.

Different children do react differently but don't be surprised if a 3 year old isn't particularly interested or bothered. It is a bit abstract for some of them to understand. DS2 was a bit younger when my SM died and I don't think it made much of an impact on him.

My three year old would have just accepted the explanation, asked a few questions and then never raised the subject again.

'Goodbye Mog' by Judith Kerr may or may not be helpful.
I found it very sad.

Generally the advice is to be simple and clear when talking to children about death. Don't be ambiguous or they just get confused. It's okay to not have all the answers and say you don't know what happens when people die, some people believe they go to heaven, some people don't, some people have different ideas about what heaven is. Barnado's booklet on explaining death is helpful. Page 8 goes into what children understand at different ages and how to help.

Your 3 yr old will be fine with the truth. It's hard for you and especially DH but not for them thankfully.

I agree with those who say be clear, expect to have to repeat it and develop the explanation as they get older. Children will make up their own explanations (as others have illustrated) and often make up something scarier than the truth, so it's much better to be honest.

The things we used to be told when I worked in an early years setting was to be brief and honest, use the word 'died' and not euphemisms as they can be confusing to young children, answer questions simply and be prepared to repeat the answers a few times, and no need to go into unnecessary specifics that they haven't asked about or won't be involved in. Funerals for example to a three year old might be 'we'll go to x, lots of people will be there, we might sing some songs, there'll be lots of flowers to remember x, then we'll go to x for lunch'. That's what a 3 year old's reality is likely to be.

To be honest I am very matter of fact about things, unless you are open with them it becomes this big fluffy mess which they have a hundred and one questions about.

Granny and Grandad were extremely poorly and had lived for a long time. They have now died which means we won't be able to see them again, their bodies have stopped living like you and me. Its very sad and Daddy is sad because thy were his Mum and Dad, but everyone dies eventually - usually like Granny and Grandad when they are old and have lived a long and full life - then queue looking at photos and asking them the the things they remember to tell a story and remember positives. At three they are very matter of fact. Its fine for them to be sad and experience loss its part of being human.

In my view its also fine to see bodies but I know that's a step too far for most. I do recall seeing my Grandad when he was dead and I knew he wasn't there inside the body it was strange but I wasn't particularly upset. I was 5 at the time.

It's worth reading this article where Brendan Cox (husband of Jo Cox) talks about telling their children that she'd died www.theguardian.com/politics/2017/jun/03/brendan-cox-jo-cox-consumed-fury-hatred

They were 5 and 3 at the time. He took advice from experts and was totally honest with them. They saw her body, and went to the funeral.

Age appropriate honesty really is the only way.

the poster above who talks about being vague has got the wrong approach, and it's bothering her DC months later exactly BECAUSE she was vague and they are worried and uncertain about it and trying to make sense of it.

also, if your 8 year old knows, surely she will tell your 3 year old? Far better for you to handle that and answer any questions he has, and to let him know he can ask you any he thinks of later.

Focus on your DH not the 3 yo. He has just lost his parents and isn't with his family right now.

Just tell him. Don't be vague. And remember they will notice your emotions too - presumably they may see your dh upset or crying in the next while. it is ok to say to a 3 year old "we are sad because we miss granny and grandad but we are also happy remembering them"

We told that nana had gone to live in the stars. He was only 2 though. When he next went to her house he thought she was hiding. At night we chose a star on his projector that was nana. As he aged though that changed to him calling the moon as nana (banana) hed forgotten the relevance i think. at 4 I don't think he remembers her at all. Just try and be simple but honest.

Your poor dp

My grandma died this year and I told my 3 yr old that she was old and had died, and that I missed her very much and was sad, but was ok. Months later he occasionally talks about my grandma who DIED which although sounds very blunt to my ears, I think actually means that he's taken it on board and he's ok with it.

Nuttynoo, I don't think the fact that the OP is worried about her child means that she is totally neglecting her husband's grief...