To not know how to explain grandparents death to DS 3?

[flownthecoopkiwi]

Over the last two weeks both my DH parents have died due to terminal illnesses. He's been away caring for them. DD 8 is aware of what has happened and due to the death of our loved family pets previously knows what death means.

DS at 3 though doesn't have a clue. I've said that we shouldn't take them back to their GP house because he's not going to understand where they are.

AIBU though to just not really tell him until he is older? He's got a pretty good memory for people though... just not sure what to do!

Sorry posted too soon - I'm hugely sorry for your dh.

Sorry for you loss

I've had the same dilemma with DS who's the same age. We've decided he's too young for the wake and viewing the body but we'll tell him Granny was very sick and has died and gone to heaven. Fortunately (?!) he's been asking about my Granda and why he's dead a lot recently so he's vaguely aware of the concept.

My favourite great aunt (who I saw more and liked better than my grandparents) died when I was 3 and I knew that that meant she was gone and I wouldn't see her again (and I probably also thought something about heaven).

Don't assume that a 3-year-old won't understand at all. Just explain it in simple terms.

Gosh the Brendan Cox interview was hard to read. Thanks for linking to it 💐

It is far far easier to tell a 3 yr old than an 8 yr old.

He will probably be very blunt, take it totally in his stride, and carry on playing.

Don't fall into the mawkish trap of doing the "gone to sleep" or "in heaven" thing. A 3 yr old will worry about that sort of thing (like every time they go to sleep!)

My stepfather died when dd was 3, and bluntly, she didn't bat an eyelid.

to you and your poor husband.

Winston's wish website has good information and ideas for children dealing with various types of death (close family, extended family, others, and expected vs unexpected deaths) as well as giving names and synopses of useful books to talk to different aged children about it.

Sorry for your loss and your DH's loss.

the 8 year old knew they were ill and seems to be coping ok, but it will take us all a while to adjust to the loss.

Thanks for all the advice. We'll be truthful and explain why we are all sad. DH has always been open with his emotions, as have I, so we will explain as we go along, after giving a quick explanation in the next day or so.

I've already lost my parents so i know a little of what he is going through - it's a weird feeling to be an orphan and lose those who have meant the most to you most of your life.

Sorry for your loss.

When my 2 year old lost her Great Granfather, we told her we were all sad because he had died and that meant we couldn't see him again.

I vaguely remember going to the library and asking for books aimed at this sort of situation although I'm not sure whether they really helped her.

the poster above who talks about being vague has got the wrong approach, and it's bothering her DC months later exactly BECAUSE she was vague and they are worried and uncertain about it and trying to make sense of it.

Our cat died at the beginning of the summer holidays. We weren't vague with DS, who's 4, but he's still bothered by it and is very clingy with me. I think it's partly the child as well as what you tell them and it is a big thing for a small child to get their head around.

Just because a child becomes clingy or a bit worried after a death doesn't mean you havnt handled it well though.

It's a normal reaction to feeling worried or unsettled.

My dd was 12 when she saw a huge trauma with multiple casualties and a death and now at 18 she's almost almost processed it.

Your 3 year old will be ok op. Just be honest and reassuring. and for your loss and your dhs. It's tough.

I'm so sorry for your losses, OP... You must have had a very stressful couple of weeks/months. I know from fairly recent experience (my parents both died in the last couple of years) imagine that you are only beginning to process this. Your little one is going to be very sensitive to their environment. It is probably best to explain gently that your parents were very sick and couldn't get better, and they have died and are now no longer sick or in pain - this way your child knows why you are sad/stressed, etc and knows it is not because of them. Big hugs!!!

When my nan, who we were all close to, passed away, I told my then 3 year old that Nanny had died, because she was very, very old. And that is what happens when we get very old (I said something like nearly 100). I told her that we wouldn't be able to see Nanny again, but we'd always love her. I cried rather a lot and she understood that it was because I missed Nanny.

I tried to steer clear of any heaven type talk though.

I've just had to do this. I kept it factual and straight.

Nanny has died. Died means she is gone and she is not coming back. I'm sad and it's OK to be sad.

My great aunt died when DS2 was 3. We saw her every week so her knew her pretty well.

We explained that she had died and had gone to heaven and was no longer in any pain. We were sad for our own loss, but happy that she was no longer poorly.

DSs didn't attend the funeral, but we planted a shrub in the garden in my Aunt's memory.

DS2 still talks about her. Totally out of the blue the other week we got "Does Aunty Joan still only have one leg in heaven?" which was an interesting discussion!

Sorry for your family's loss OP

My mum died last year. It was a horrible shock and I could not get through the day without crying so inevitably my 3 year old saw me. I bought grandpa rabbit went to heaven, also when dinosaurs die and badgers parting gift. All seemed to help but he still asks for her now almost weekly, and says he will get his rocket and go up to heaven to get her back, so I don't think he fully understand she is never coming back ( I don't think I do either ). Very hard for kids to comprehend but they are made of tough stuff.