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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know what DS is doing all day at school?

56 replies

Mittensandmuffins · 15/09/2017 10:17

DS started reception two weeks ago at a fairly large state primary school. Prior to this he was at a private nursery in a very small pre-school class of ten children - this is relevant to what I'm about to ask.

Since he started school I feel like I am just dropping off and picking him up each day without having a clue what he's doing there all day. Asking him is not an option as when I do he just answers 'nothing' Grin

Maybe we've been spoilt at his nursery by the staff knowing and recalling every single detail of his life, and what he had been doing whilst at nursery, letting us know what targets we could work on at home, etc but I just feel so in the dark about everything at school.

I know that I am probably being unreasonable, given that it's a state school and has high class numbers but up until now I have always been pro-active in DS' learning so this feels a bit rubbish.

OP posts:
NikiBabe · 15/09/2017 10:49

Why do you need to know the details of every day? He is going to be at school for a long time. You really want that level of detail?

I remember being a child and it used to drive me crazy afterschool. Being at school is like being at work really. You cant wait to get out and go home and play and straight away as soon as you see mum......

what did you do today?
Nothing.
You must have done something.
You give an example of something you did.
IS THAT IT? Come on you did more than that.

The older I got I just started to get really irate with it. School was much of a muchness daily, like an adult being at work and I didn't want to talk about the detail of every single day. I needed to wind down bit launch into discussions over dinner and at tge school gates.

Just back off or put a button hole spy camera on his jumper.

Sirrah · 15/09/2017 10:50

"What happens in school, stays in in school". Grin

There's a way to -spy- find out what's going on for at least a small part of the day.... volunteer to go in and read to the children. I used to go in one morning every week, the teacher really appreciated the help, and I got to see what my dc was doing.

ButterkistBetty · 15/09/2017 10:53

I've had kids at reception private and state. Private class size 10 (DD) state 31. (DS). I got no day diary from either but I definitely get more feedback from private. I actually see the teacher at day end, state they stood by the door and ticked off, you weren't allowed to engage with them, had emails about it etc. Private I go into the class room and get a few words every night. I also got a detailed email with the terms aims, what they would like me to do with her, how to engage with this terms project. Infact got an email at the start of summer hols saying, next term we are doing Oceans, if you are go to the beach this break please feel free to let your DC collect information/take photos etc so we can talk about it at the start of term.
It's great, except I'm quite a lazy parent and now have 3 kids at the private school and the information comes for all of them! (Including DS who was at state first before Mumsnetters think I'm unfair!)

Greenbucket · 15/09/2017 10:54

It is normal and its a pain.

I now buy my own revision books/check the curriculum or exam boards and back it all up at home.

When dd1 was tiny I worried about this too and I remember mumsnet telling me not to worry and just to let the teachers do their jobs.

dd1 was quiet and compliant and totally overlooked. It took a private secondary and a tutor to get her to the point that she should have been at.

So, my point is, be THAT parent and do stuff at home.

VioletCharlotte · 15/09/2017 10:54

Mine are at college and I'd still love to know what they do everyday! I've asked them everyday since year R and get the usual 'not much' or 'stuff'. So frustrating!

Mittens1969 · 15/09/2017 10:54

I know exactly what you mean! When DD1 started school, when I used to ask her what she had done, the only answers I got were 'I played' or 'I don't remember.' It used to be really frustrating. She's now in year 4 and it's still hard to get anything from her about her day after she's come home.

DD2, now in year 1, is totally different. She loves to tell me all about her day, in great detail. But she's always loved to talk and is very articulate.

You will have a parents' evening where you can find out how she's doing. And you can also ask for a meeting with his class teacher.

Teachers are too busy to talk to every parent about their child's day, so you shouldn't expect that.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/09/2017 10:55

Settle in. You've got 14 more years of it 😂

You asked about private schools...two lovely private schools, small classes etc They still 'do nothing' all day, every day. Even on school trip days. I frequently threaten (jokingly) to go in & tell the teachers off for not teaching them anything. Kids laugh, but I still don't get much more out of them! However, I get a bit more if I ask direct questions such as 'What are you making in art?' or 'What are you doing in science'. I guess it's easier to answer those questions than just an open ended 'What did you do today?' Sometimes the answer is 'I can't remember'. It's amazing how quickly they remember if I suggest calling the teacher when we get home 😂

Once they get homework you can see a little bit more what they're up to.

I know any of the teachers would be happy to meet & discuss what they're doing etc if I wanted them to and I know they'd be in touch if there were any problems, so I don't worry.

I do joke about telling the teacher off or phoning them to see what they've been doing, but in all seriousness, I think it's good that they have their own space there to be themselves and have some independence from parents/home.

Your DS is only little. Let him get on with being a 'big boy' at school and a 'little boy' at home. It's tiring starting school, at home he needs to relax & just 'be'.

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2017 10:59

When my ds was 14, I asked him about his day, whether anything interesting had happened, and he said the usual "It was fine- no nothing much happened"

I discovered later that the building he was in had been struck by lightning, they had been evacuated and 3 fire engines arrived flashing blue lights!

"Oh yes" he said "I forgot that"

AlohaMama · 15/09/2017 10:59

It depends on the school. My DC go to a state primary, 45 intake each year so not massive but not tiny. Since my DD started this week we've had an intro meeting where we got an outline of the weekly timetable, useful as it told us what they call each thing (big boogie = dance time, sparkly bucket = being nice to each other etc), we've also had a newsletter saying what topic they are doing, which will be sent every fortnight, tapestry online journal updated daily, and parent drop in events every two weeks. TBH I find it a bit much sometimes, but it eases off during the first year. For DS who is now year 2, we get occasional newsletters, and it's more about communicating with him and trying to find different ways to ask, like
What made you happy or sad today
What was the best bit
What did you find hard
We do at least know what topic they are doing.

Maybe you could ask school if they could offer a little more info, it helps to know roughly what they are doing so you can ask more specific questions of your child. If I ask DD she says nothing, but if I ask something related to her topic, or knowing today they do music, it can help her remember what she did.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/09/2017 11:02

Our schools are VERY good at Reports too. It must take the teachers AGES to do them all, but they really are detailed & give a much better insight into what they have been doing. Quite fascinating in fact 😁

NikiBabe · 15/09/2017 11:04

Then just think about what an adult would say if they were asked every single day for explicit details of what they did at work.

They'd struggle as it is so routine and nothing much stands out.

Witchend · 15/09/2017 11:05

Dd1 used to give me a whole run down to the point other parents used to phone me up to ask what had happened that day. Grin
Dd2 used to give me a list of who had been naughty and any crisis that day.
Ds used to tell me what he'd had for lunch if I was lucky and the score at the football lunchtime game.

I now get "fine" or "boring" from them all. Grin

LetZygonsbeZygones · 15/09/2017 11:05

My DD did nothing or sometimes nothing much, from 5 to 18. As soon as she started to work as a teacher ive had almost daily in-depth accounts of her school day complete with who said and did what.

marylou21 · 15/09/2017 11:06

I think like others you are BU. I work full time but to get round the point you raise I joined the parents teachers group and networked as much as possible to hear from others what happens and what teachers/ other kids are like etc.

RedSkyAtNight · 15/09/2017 11:06

School will likely be sending home a newsletter soon, which will tell you that this term they will be working on number bonds and learning about dinosaurs and famous people from history. (or whatever ....)

This will give you something more directed to ask him about.

I think all the DC I know at private school have 2 working parents, so their DC go to after school club and they have no contact with the teacher at all except at parents' evenings, assemblies etc. If you are doing pick up you can at least ask the teacher something general like "just wanted to know if he is settling in". But schools normally schedule parents evenings fairly on in term just so you can ask this sort of question.

Drinaballerina · 15/09/2017 11:09

Volunteering is good. Or find a friend with a chatterbox child. I get a blow by account of dd1's day plus everyone else's usually so I can quite often full in other people's gaps.

wheredoesallthetimego · 15/09/2017 11:10

yes, closed questions

who was naughty today? often gets interesting replies!

flynn80 · 15/09/2017 11:14

My best tip is to ask about their day just as you are tucking them into bed. Amazingly they suddenly remember loads and want to chat for 20 mins to delay bedtime

Was just going to share this same tip, I can ask him solidly for over 2 hours and his response will always be cant remember or nothing. Put him to bed and suddenly hes rainman and spouts out everything! few little questions I ask instead of what did you do,

did you have a nice day?
what did you have for lunch?
who did you sit by for lunch?
from there he just seems to open up.

paxillin · 15/09/2017 11:14

What did you do in school today? "Nothing" Who did you play with? "Nobody" What did you have for lunch? "Forgot"

Nothing that doesn't break the United Nations Convention against Torture gets more of an answer in this house.

I got used to a child who clearly doesn't eat, play or learn at school and live of the few bones the teachers throw us at parents evening.

kesstrel · 15/09/2017 11:17

Offer to write down what he tells you about his day in the form of a diary. That worked with my two.

MalcomTuckerInSpace · 15/09/2017 11:30

The question you need for your child is “who was naughty today?”. Suddenly you get loads of info.

rightsofwomen · 15/09/2017 11:32

Mine have both been quite keen to tell me about their days, but I know not all are.
We take it in turns to say something good about our day, or something not so good. That gets the conversation going.
Or I just keep it really general, asking about friends or maybe talk about something they did last year.

Of course he'll happily about Match Attax cards for hours and hours and hours and hours.

Starlight2345 · 15/09/2017 11:32

yes it is an adjustment..

Along with other suggestions..What did you have for pudding helps in the response to what did you have for dinner helps...They are for likely to remember what they had for pudding then prompting dinner.

I would also say..I do get daily reports from school. My DS is on a home school book..If there needs to be communication between the teacher and parent it is usually because there are additional issues so do take it as a positive the teachers don't want to talk to you.

DontbouncelikeIdid · 15/09/2017 11:33

I agree with those saying try asking at bedtime. I read somewhere that young children need time to process, and genuinely won't remember if you ask them straight after school. Delaying bed time is also a powerful motivator to remember things to talk about! It certainly used to work with my DS when he was that age.

saffronwblue · 15/09/2017 11:41

My friend used to say to her dc ' you can't have dessert until you tell me what happened today!'