Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to have a fourth baby after a six year gap?

52 replies

missjackson · 14/09/2017 11:30

Would we be crazy to have such a large age gap (would be nearly 6 years) between the youngest of my first three and a baby? I had three kids under 4, so they are all very close together; would a baby be left out? Would I resent having to do primary school then high school all over again with another one, when the first three will be well through it. And finally, I would be 44! What do you think? We've always really wanted a fourth, but were just trying to be sensible, but now it feels like our time to make this decision is almost up....

OP posts:

existentialmoment · 14/09/2017 11:31

I did ( 8 years gap). Hard work but it's wonderful, a totally different experience to having the older one. Wouldn't change it for anything.

Everythingsr0sie · 14/09/2017 11:35

I have no advise but am in the exact same boat (although I am 39).

I will watch with interest!!

Wellonlyifihavetoo · 14/09/2017 11:49

I'm 41, due just before my 42nd bday with no.3. My eldest dd is 16 next dd is 6, just the way life works lol. My eldest is from a previous relationship then I remarried

NoSquirrels · 14/09/2017 11:51

I wouldn't- but that's just me. Can you afford it, long term?

What about your older ones - what impact on them? After school activities etc., room in house, money for university (or whatever). Your emotional resources to deal with both teens and toddlers?

For me, I know our limits. But as long as you consider it all it's not wrong.

BraveButShaking · 14/09/2017 11:58

My parents did this. I am one of the 3 they had in just under 3 years, then they had my sister 6 years later and then another 6 years after that.

The 4th child was a very easy child, the 5th wasn't - completely different personalities.

My Mum had always wanted a large family and to be a SAHM. It worked for her, and by the time the youngest was grown, the grandchildren started coming along.

TanginaBarrons · 14/09/2017 12:00

I'm in same boat too. I have an 11, 9 and 6 year old who are very excited and will be capable of being a bit helpful too. I'm not worried about the gap at all.

Racingraccoons · 14/09/2017 12:06

There is 18 years between me and my second to youngest sibling.

Racingraccoons · 14/09/2017 12:08

posted too soon!

I am one of seven children. I am the oldest.
I think from my experience as a teenager and a sibling is that I felt pushed out. I felt like now I was older my mum wanted another to replace me and it didn't help that it was within a new marriage.

However 6 years really isn't that big a gap and if you give lots of time and attention to your others then it could work well and they can help you out!

firawla · 14/09/2017 12:12

This is exactly what I've done. First three boys all a year and a half apart, now 6, 7, 9 and I've had a baby end of last year who's now 8 months.

It's worked out really well. The older ones are great with her, and it's nice to have that time with her while they're at school since she's very likely to be our last. We had to do a loft conversion to make space, so that they could all have own rooms, so that was the main cost / practical thing.

I wouldn't say it's impacted negatively on the older ones, we still take them out to do things, still do clubs, still have friends round etc so not a big deal. We've all adapted pretty quickly and without any issue or upset from any of the older ones. Theyve all been quite excited by it and they really love dd!

Only difference from your op really is I'm 30, My boys are growing up quick and I didn't feel ready to be out of the baby and primary school days. I'm quite happy to have another round with all of that!

If your heart just wants another one, I would say go for it. The gap is not ridiculously large!

Narnia72 · 14/09/2017 12:16

I am 44, and have 3 kids 9,7,5, also had 3 under 4. I sometimes hanker after a 4th, but have friends who've gone back to the baby days when their youngest is at school, and it massively changes life.

I love tiny babies, but for me, going back to the crawling, non-sleeping, into everything phase would probably lose the few marbles I have left.

Only you can answer it, but I'd make a long list of all the differences it would make to your lives; financial (nursery etc), logistical (doing all the club runs with a baby in tow), do you have space for a 4th in your car or would you have to buy a 7-seater, where would no.4 sleep and would it mean someone has to share that doesn't currently, and finally emotional - what would your children think, how would it curtail or enhance their lives, and the same for you and your OH.

If the answers to all these are positive, and you feel you have the stamina, go for it! For us, the answers are largely negative and therefore we won't be doing it. Oh, and also bear in mind that the chances of having a multiple birth increase with age, if you are close to peri menopause your ovaries get trigger happy and release multiple eggs in one go...

PeralMePots · 14/09/2017 12:18

I had a third when my eldest two. were 10 and 8. He changed our lives for the better, in so many ways. They are all approaching middle age now and have been incredibly close and supportive of each other through their lives.

We had the first two very young, and both lost or fathers to cancer when they were just tots. The stress of looking after two babies while watching a parent endure years of poor health nearly broke us. I felt I had a chance to really enjoy the third as a baby. I also became more involved in the school and clubs, because I had more money and time.

As thing have turned out the eldest and youngest have children the same age and are regular babysitters for each other.

Discombobulated42 · 14/09/2017 12:21

7 year gap after several mc's. 4 gorgeous children 19, 13, 10 and 3. Wouldn't have it any other way. Good luck whatever you decide

EllieQ · 14/09/2017 12:27

I was that extra baby in my family. From the child's point of view, it's not ideal. My sisters are six and eight years older than me, so they were very close and I often felt left out. I really longed for a sibling near my own age!

Practically, it wasn't a good decision for my parents, as money was already tight and they had to move to larger house plus it meant my mother was a SAHM for longer (she got a part-time job when I was 8). This caused a lot of stress on my dad as the only earner, and he wasn't a great dad because of it. My parents didn't really have the emotional energy for all of us, even by the less involved standards of the 1980s.

Financially, things got easier when my sisters left home to go to university, but this caused a bit of (understandable) resentment on their part.

My sisters and I are closer now, but they are still closer to each other than to me so I still feel left out on occasion. We're in different life stages, really - I have a toddler while their children are older, that kind of thing, so that gap will always be there.

This won't be a popular comment, but from my POV, I wouldn't recommend it unless you have enough money (and can perhaps afford no.5 a couple of years after no.4!).

existentialmoment · 14/09/2017 12:57

I was that extra baby in my family. From the child's point of view, it's not ideal

you mean, from your POV. Please don't speak for all children in that situation, it's rather offensive.

Kittenswithattitudeandchickens · 14/09/2017 13:04

My three are 33, 30 and 15! They're very close to each other though the older ones left home years ago.

Original poster

missjackson · 14/09/2017 13:06

Thanks ellieq that's really interesting to hear from your perspective, as that's exactly where this baby would be with two sisters aged 6 and 8, plus a brother of 10. I was sort of assuming that the youngest one would be ultra-adored and there would be no resentment - but yes, my two girls are very close to one another with just 18 months between them, and I can imagine it would be hard for a little one who would essentially be an only child from about the age of 10. We live on a farm with plenty of room and already have a 7 seater, so those aren't such pressing considerations. Lots to think about.

OP posts:

Original poster

missjackson · 14/09/2017 13:09

Just the kind of mixed bag I would expect from brilliant Mumsnetters - so hard to decide! I think we might just have a window of opportunity until Xmas, and then if it doesn't happen we could draw a line under it. Impact wouldn't be too much as we run a business at home on our farm, so we're always around anyway - but it is already a PITA to drive around to the other three's various activities and social engagement, so yes that's something to consider. narnia72 you are in exactly same situation then - hadn't even considered multiple births, that would be a can of worms! I worry about the baby (nearly 5) getting lost in the mix too. It's an impossible decision really - so much could go wrong, so much could be brilliant. How do you decide?

OP posts:

BrieAndChilli · 14/09/2017 13:11

I feel like you sometimes
I had 3 under 4 and they are 2idh years apart currently 6,9 and 10

I think that another child would not fit the family dynamic, all the kids are old enough to be more independent, go off in the park and play. They are all close and into the same sort of things etc
Another baby now would mean having to chose between something suitable for a toddler and something suitable for pre-teens.

I often hanker for a little newborn and feel I could do it all differently this time as I would be more experienced, less neurotic, be able to enjoy it more etc but just tell myself I've missed the boat now.

Original poster

missjackson · 14/09/2017 13:13

existentialmoment I don't think ellieq's post reads like she's speaking for anyone other than herself. Was your 8 year gap between just two children, as you mention 'older one' rather than 'older ones'? The gap per se is not of concern - it's more about the dynamic created by a group of three kids close together and then one baby much younger.

OP posts:

Fridgedooropen · 14/09/2017 13:14

Try it till Christmas, but the numbers aren't in your favour. I am in the same position age-wise and am having to face that it's not really a choice I can make anymore and is now looking unlikely. Sorry, kind of bitter about this atm. Good luck.

Original poster

missjackson · 14/09/2017 13:14

brieandchill yes I think tbh there is a big element of feeling like I've 'missed the boat' - and maybe this is just a last minute panic before I turn 44 next month. Probably I'll come to the conclusion that I've already come to on many occasions over the last five years. But I want to at least know I thought about it really seriously for one final time.

OP posts:

Redpony1 · 14/09/2017 13:16

That's your POV, not a childs POV.

I have 8 & 10 years difference between me & my siblings. Not once have I ever felt left out. Mum has often commented that the big gap meant that they could comfortably save up for my higher education, first car etc, after doing it all for my brothers.

Original poster

missjackson · 14/09/2017 13:17

fridgedooropen don't blame you for being bitter, that's a hard thing to face. I think my expectations of getting pregnant are probably unrealistically high.

OP posts:

RubyRed2017 · 14/09/2017 13:19

Its an impossible question to answer. I have a 9 year age gap between two of mine. They were all wanted and loved but the youngest age 6 gets bored and lonely at home sometimes as her brothers don't want to play with her, so she is my little shadow. We have a good friendship group with kids similar ages to her, but I do have to make more of an effort to organise playdates for her.

Gottagetmoving · 14/09/2017 13:19

If you had three under four years of age then I think you would enjoy having the next one.

Flip

1 2 3