to have a fourth baby after a six year gap?

[missjackson]

Would we be crazy to have such a large age gap (would be nearly 6 years) between the youngest of my first three and a baby? I had three kids under 4, so they are all very close together; would a baby be left out? Would I resent having to do primary school then high school all over again with another one, when the first three will be well through it. And finally, I would be 44! What do you think? We've always really wanted a fourth, but were just trying to be sensible, but now it feels like our time to make this decision is almost up....

I'm one of four and based on my experience growing up, I have stopped at 2.

My mother (who was absolutely marvellous) just didn't have enough time or energy for us all. My brother and I were largely left to our own devices. But - having said that my DH's parents (he is one of two) are SO INTENSELY INVOLVED in their lives I find it stifling! Can't work out if it is parenting style or the number of kids.

Parenting style most definitely going from my experience.

Oh, my sisters did adore me as a baby - they've often said I was just like a little doll But I think as I got older and money got tight, they took the brunt of my dad's bad temper (shouting, being told off for minor things, more smacking than was the norm at the time), while I was a bit spoiled and babied, that kind of thing.

I think the dynamic is important - if I'd just had one older sister, or if I'd had a brother and a sister, it might have been quite different. But their closeness due to their age and the family dynamic means I'll always feel a bit left out. We are close, don't get me wrong, but there's always a little bit of distance between me and them.

Well, 44 isn't too old, it's just wether you'd want to go through it all again? I wouldn't (I adopted so it would mean social services assessments again anyway); I wouldn't mind the chaos, but I would not want to go through nappies or potty training.

FFS when I said 'from the child's POV', I meant from my POV as a child. As in, I was aware of these issues when I was a child.

I ended up with gaps between my 4. It was fine whilst I had a baby and the others were in primary school, we all could go to farm parks and day trips out were quite fun fir everyone, day on the beach etc. However as two moved into secondary I did feel I wanted to have more exciting things for holIdays and day trips out. Fir example going on safari and meals out. I do think my oldest two missed out on "grown up" experiences - they had to be tamed down due to having a little one.

I know you can have meals out with a baby, but it's not really the same.

It's not a huge age gap. I think small age gaps are bonkers personally, I'd rather drink petrol than deal with a toddler and a newborn simultaneously!! It's an individual choice.

There are 5 years between my sister and I, and nearly 12 between my brother and I. We are all close. And were as kids too.

My friend had 2 kids close together, then a 9 year gap. She says sometimes if she hadn't had the third she'd be free now as the eldest are at uni

Family dynamics all vary so much, it could be lovely with the youngest being adored and looked after or it could lead to resentment from the eldest and loneliness from the youngest.

I have four fairly close in age and the youngest is nearly 5, if I wanted another baby I would probably try to have 2 so that they had a sibling close in age.

I have similar age gaps but eldest is staring second year of secondary school.

Last two years somehow the children especailly eldest is starting to cost a bit more - school trips, phone, school equipment and activties is one area I've noticed but that and price increease in background it's not great.

I've dealing with a primary crap at communication but with massive expecations - so I've pretty much looking forward to no more primary.

So we've drifted from we'd like a forth at somepoint to a no but that's us - I can't say how you'd feel or how you'd parent a forth with an age gap how older children would react or how youngest would feel when grwon up.

I do know happy families who added last children when mothers were 44 or even 46 - but honestly I wonder how they do it energy wise.

Ellie most reasonable people knew exactly what you meant.

Ellie - I'm the oldest of 4 with a 10 year gap to the youngest, and your experience sounds right to me.

It is slightly helped in my case by there being two pairs (2 year gap, 5 year gap, 3 year gap) but as adults, there are definitely two pairs...

Dealing with a stroppy teen when I'm 60+.
No thanks - but that's just me.
I want to be chilling out, going on carefree holidays when I'm 60.
If it's something you both want then I don't see a 6 year gap as that big.
But you can't really delay it anymore.
And it may not happen so it's best to get it underway sooner rather than later.

I had three under 4, are very close. They are aged 18, 16 and 15. I have a 11 year gap, my youngest aged 4 just started school. No resentment from me, I thought coulda would feel resentment but they love and parent him. Because of my kids support I commenced return to education 2 years ago, first with access and now second year in uni. My older Children love looking after him. I wouldn't worry about the gap

Negative impact would be if the older children aren't given their time and suave, luckily the kids have own bedrooms. We will do basement conversion for an extra bathroom. I don't expect the older children to look after my 4 year old, but they have a better sense of responsibility because of looking or helping with this little brother, but are still typical Teebs, eating too much, messy bedrooms etc. But no wouldn't change the family dynamic for antutbhg

I went through a similar "should we/shouldn't we thought process" a few years ago. I suggest you ask yourself:

"How would I feel if I tried and couldn't get pregnant?"
"How would I feel if tried and then miscarried?"
"Do I really want to start again?"
"Will I still have the health/energy in 10 years time?"
"Would I feel bad if this child's experience of childhood was very different from my other 2 (v close in age)?"

For me, ultimately, it was the fear of the first two that put me off. For dh is was much more about health/energy - he's older than I am.

There is 12 years bw my sister and me, and 17 years bw my sister and my brother. I have a close relationship with my sis, she and my db haven't spoken/seen each other in years. I think it is a little naive to think that large gaps make no difference.

Just to give another perspective : I have an 8.5 year gap between oldest and youngest, mine are 13, 7 and 4.

We have a big house and garden, own room for each child, plenty of space and we are financially well off - but I suspect if you asked my 13yo about it he'd say he wished we hadn't had the third.

I live in hope that our boys will be good mates as they get older, but the current reality is hard (though younger two get on brilliantly). It's essentially like having two families, because it's very difficult trying to find activities that a 13yo and a 4yo will genuinely enjoy.

Agree with other posters though - I think it does really depend on your family dynamic, and the personalities and needs of current DC. Ds1 has Aspergers and finds his younger brothers hugely stressful to be around (and it gets worse as they get older; he was actually fine with the baby and young toddler at 8/9 but at 13 he finds them unbearable). However, if he'd been NT and happy to be around younger children occasionally then things might be very different.

At the moment, I would genuinely have to say that much as DS3 is lovely, and DH and I would never want to be without him, his arrival has had a far more negative effect on DS1's childhood and adolescence than a positive one.

Just another view point to counterbalance all of those with happy big gaps!

I had a 23yrs age gap between my dd's..

There is 12 years between me and my sibling. Honestly, as the older one, I love it. I always have and was overjoyed that I was of an age where I could help out.
We're both really close and we spend loads of time together. I think she's a cracking little person! I always make sure she's included and doesn't feel lonely or left out, but it might be different as it's just us two.

Good luck whatever you decide!

I'm that fourth child and tbh it was a bit crap. I wasn't close to my siblings but they were close to each other. It's fine now but that only changed in my twenties. I was like an only child once they all left for uni, so from year seven onwards. There was also jealousy from the youngest of the three because, I suspect, they had been the youngest child for quite a while so remembered being usurped. And they were usurped in a big way since I was little and cute and they weren't any more!

I did, except it was my 5th... best thing ever!! Then went on to have number 6 18 months later

The health aspect is a important thing.
I felt I was fit and healthy in my early 40s to have a baby - a few years later I'm recovering from cancer with an uncertain future.
A friend of mine has just had a stroke the same age.

Although you can get ill in your twenties, you are more likely to become ill in your forties.

theoisfit thanks for the honesty, I can see now that it's not always easy for the youngest. I think as an oldest child I always assume the babies of the family are the adored ones that have it easier! miraclesparklestars you sound like a lovely sibling but I'm not sure I can rely on my children to be quite that generous and nice all of the time!

I'm much closer to the sibling that is 9 years younger. The one closer to my own age, we killed each other growing up and we aren't that close even now as grownups with kids of our own.

I done it!! My first 3 were all within 4 years to, 4th wasn't planed and arrive when the older 3 were 7,9 & 11.... best thing I ever done!!!