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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think, this is a bit of an odd reply? (ie, if you miss someone, well, you miss them.. regardless of circumstance)

28 replies

alltoomuchrightnow · 13/09/2017 23:03

I picked up DP from airport this morning after 6 weeks of him working abroad. (I'm very used to him being away.. he's often away more than he is at home..but this is the longest stretch we've ever had)

Today we had to pop to see his friend (who is sort of business partner and colleague too..difficult to explain but they work on a project together) and friend asked if I was happy to have DP home.. I replied of course, I've really missed him and glad that he's safe and well (DP had to come home a week early due to his work being cancelled due to tragic circumstances, I did actually explain i'd rather , of course, that he came back on the original date given)
I was surprised when the friend retorted with , 'well if you were busier in your life, you really wouldn't have missed him'.

My reply was that I've been extremely busy, (in 6 weeks I've spent at least 90% of my time alone as been so busy! barely seen friends or family..and I live middle of nowhere, no kids) but that's not relevant as I'd miss him the same no matter how busy I was.
Was my reply unreasonable? Yes being very busy helps..it did.. but it didn't stop me missing him. But I just got on with things.. but I can't say I'd have missed him more if I'd not been busy. Brooded more perhaps.. but I don't think would have made any difference.
Surely you miss someone , regardless of what's going on?

OP posts:
bluejelly · 13/09/2017 23:05

I think it's perfectly normal to miss someone even if you're busy... strange thing for him to say

coconuttella · 13/09/2017 23:06

If you had been so busy you hadn't missed him being away, you would have been too busy imo. YWNBU

MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/09/2017 23:07

What has it got to do with him how much you miss your husband or how busy you are?

StarfishSeahorse · 13/09/2017 23:09

Odd thing to say, is the friend a twat or made of stone?

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 13/09/2017 23:09

I probably sound a tad paranoid here, I admit, but I wonder if it was a dig.
DP had to support me for a fair chunk of this year as I was unable to work due to injury. But even then , I did what I could, and did a bit of temping at home to try make ends meet, even when I really was not in great shape.
I wonder if he said it because I'd offered to lend a hand last week on their new 'project' (needed some practical stuff doing for it like envelope stuffing) I'd offered to help unpaid. But that doesn't mean I had time on my hands.. I'd said at the time, that I'd fit it around other stuff I was doing. I had to remind him today that I have two 'ad hoc' jobs (zero hours contract) plus run an eBay business.. I mean his other line of work is his eBay business and he knows how time consuming it can be.
Also since DP left I spent a few hours a day job searching and been to several job interviews.

OP posts:
Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 13/09/2017 23:12

Star, the friend is normally lovely so it's out of character for him so I guess I should let it go.. but a bit of an insensitive thing to say. I think I've coped well with the separation, I know it's a short one compared to many couples but I really have been reclusive, not always by choice. I live in the sticks and I often went many days without even seeing or talking to another human being. On that level it's been really hard. My eBay business and one of my part time jobs is done from home so I've been extremely cut off.. and was too skint to see friends too (not been paid for months.. long story). So it's not been an easy time and I could have done without that comment

OP posts:
Trills · 13/09/2017 23:12

People think of "Missing" in different ways.

He probably thinks of it as actively spending time thinking "I wish alltoomuch were here" or "I wish I was where alltoomuch is".

Which he hasn't had time to do very much.

You clearly think it means something else, something that can be done at the same time as doing other things.

Only1scoop · 13/09/2017 23:13

I'd think that Dp and he had spoken about me.

Trills · 13/09/2017 23:14

Sorry two different hes there.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 13/09/2017 23:15

I agree, bluejelly. There were days I was juggling three jobs , pets and home, and literally didn't go to bed. I mean right now I have 'lag' to share with DP in that I didn't go to bed either when I heard the sudden news he was coming home early (not that I"m saying I'm as tired as him. I'm not.. but just saying..). And often I appreciated being that busy. BUT.... while doing those jobs etc, I was often thinking about DP.. like how he was, where he was right now (he was usually in a different town or state daily and it was hard to keep up!) and when he was going to Face time. Being busy doesn't mean you can switch off from missing someone...
I wonder if it's because this guy pretty much only has long distant relationships (I think he's in one right now actually)

OP posts:
Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 13/09/2017 23:20

I hope it's not a dig because he saw me not working for months and DP was supporting me and we struggled financially..which is no one's business. and it's not the case now. Dp knows how hard I'm trying to get work (better than my ad hoc work I mean). Also my eBay business can on many days be like a full time job ( mainly I sell collectables for my father) Also friend doesn't know how this time last year I was financially supporting the two of us and home because DP had work cancelled (he's self employed)
I hope he doesn't mean that but I don't know why he thinks I'm not busy.. I'm friends with his circle and surely the fact no one had seen me for weeks meant in fact , I was v busy (as they knew i was at home)

OP posts:
BeepBeepMOVE · 13/09/2017 23:50

90% of your time alone is the opposite of socially busy. Could she have meant that? As in you missed him more because you didn't actually spend time with anyone else. That makes sense to me.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 14/09/2017 00:48

No, he has no idea how much time I've been alone.
Although yes , if I'd had more contact with others it might have eased it a little..

OP posts:
LilaoftheGreenwood · 14/09/2017 00:56

Weird. Clearly if someone asks "did you miss your husband on his 6 week trip?" you say yes even if the real answer is "only too glad to get the sod out of my hair for a bit", so there wasn't really a good way you could have answered.

If he's normally lovely, could it have been a clumsy misjudged attempt to show concern for you?

EamonnWright · 14/09/2017 01:00

He's said that for a reason. Do you know him well?

Comes across as if he's stirring shit.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 14/09/2017 01:22

It's out of character for him. He is stressed right now, I know. I hope it was a clumsy remark. It was as if he was surprised at me missing DP and put it down to his assumption of me not being busy enough.
Possibly it's because he's a commitment phobe (well he admits to being one, but related to this remark, I don't know) . He has often had long distance relationships, I'm sure he's in a casual one right now. I think there' s a reason he likes that distance . I know he misses his ex loads as he let her go (they are still good friends though) He couldn't commit enough but it's obvious he really misses her. So perhaps a sense of bitterness?

OP posts:
Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 14/09/2017 01:23

But I don't think he missed other girlfriends he had since.. and he's always travelling round the world.. perhaps he is just so used to being apart from partners, it's all he knows.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/09/2017 01:46

Don't give it another thought. People say all kinds of crap 'in passing' that they don't think about first or consider how it will impact someone else.

Supporting each other when necessary is part of a good relationship, I really wouldn't dwell on it & if he did mean that, then he's a twat - and his opinion is of little value.

Stop worrying about what he thinks & look after yourself 🌷

Piewraith · 14/09/2017 01:50

You can't win, if you replied "nope didn't even notice he was gone" he would gave probably made a comment like "oh well maybe if your marriage was better you would have".

silverbell64 · 14/09/2017 01:58

I also don't think you need to give this headspace. Stop second guessing why a person says something.

Shadow666 · 14/09/2017 02:21

The things is if someone asks the question, "Are you glad to have DP home?". "Yes, I really missed him." is the natural reply. I mean, what else can you say? "No, I prefer it when he's away." It makes no sense. So, I think your reply was actually fine. Whatever the issue is, it's your friend's issue not yours.

Iamsoconfused17 · 14/09/2017 02:54

I think it was a weird thing to say Op.

TBH it sounds like a dig to me.

Iamsoconfused17 · 14/09/2017 02:55

She was weird I mean, not you.

Iamsoconfused17 · 14/09/2017 02:56

She/he

CamperVamp · 14/09/2017 04:53

Sounds as if he was being dismissively sexist of your 'little life' while your Dp goes off doing 'real work'.

But maybe he was just clumsily trying to express something like 'it must be hard, you just have to keep busy'

I would ask DP what he thought his friend meant by it.