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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want my children around her?

30 replies

Helpmegetoverthisplease · 13/09/2017 20:21

DH goes to watch DSS play sport every Saturday and Sunday. This has been fine in the past and if it's clashed with something I've arranged he'll take our 3 young DC with him.

Recently I've found out that the OW who caused a lot of problems for us has started going along to watch her DC play. DH assures me they don't speak other than exchange pleasantries but I really don't want my DC anywhere near her.

The thought of her still makes me feel awful and if there is no need for my children to be around her then why should they be? Last time I saw her was when I found out about everything and the thought of her being there where DH is is bad enough but I trust he won't go there again. I don't know how much I believe that he's only saying the odd 'hi' though and I have a feeling that if she did ever approach him for a longer chat he wouldn't see the harm in that and that's why I don't want my DC where she is.

DH cannot understand why I'm being like this and I've tried to explain but I'm not doing a great job of it. It's not about the principal but more about the knot in my stomach when I think of them having anything to do with the woman who very nearly destroyed their parents marriage. I've come a long way and part of my way of coping is to keep away as I think I'd just go to pieces if I was ever face to face with her.

Do AIBU in not wanting my DC around her? And AIBU to ask that for just one weekend DH can look after the DC and miss one match? DSS is an adult and doesn't need DH there for lifts etc DH will happily miss a match to go to something he wants but I never really get a break or time to do anything for me.

OP posts:

Nuttynoo · 13/09/2017 20:29

I think this shows you're not over his cheating. Have you had marital counselling?

Monoblock67 · 13/09/2017 20:30

Can we have some background for context-who is OW and what happened between your DH and her?

Expemsiveuniform · 13/09/2017 20:31

Why don't you have a problem with them being around your DH. He's the one that owes you. Not her.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 13/09/2017 20:32

This is a difficult one. You're not unreasonable to not want your DH to have anything to do with the OW, but TBH you either trust him or you don't. To make the stipulation that you don't want him to take your children to events that she's at while at the same time acknowledging that he will still see her every week is a bit unreasonable IMO.

If you have issue with the fact that the OW is now back in his life, then this needs addressing separately.iyswim.

Incidentally, were you instrumental in the breakdown of the relationship between him and your DSS' mum?

BenLui · 13/09/2017 20:34

I think if he had an affair with this woman then he has to accept your feelings on this is a natural consequence of that however it feels unfair on your DSS for him not to attend his son's matches.

You need to find a compromise.

Bringmewineandcake · 13/09/2017 20:43

The thing is, it's not about your children being around her but your DH. It's not like you think she's a danger to them, is it? You've stayed with him but still don't trust him.
If you don't want him to be in the same place as her then you'll have to ask him not to go. Or go with them one time and see how he/she reacts. He wants to watch his son play football and that's not unreasonable. I'm not sure what other solution there is.

IdaDown · 13/09/2017 20:44

I think there are a few issues?

You'd like no contact between your DH and the xOW.
Why has the xOW suddenly started to watch her child (if she didn't before)?
Why can DH miss watching DSS at times but not others?
Why can't DH take the kids and give you some time to yourself?

Very reasonable. He doesn't have to acknowledge her at all.
Not your business and out of your control. Or are you worried there's something more to this?

3 & 4. Of course it's good that DH spend time with his adult DS. However does DH spend any alone time with his other DCs? That's fair and would give you a break. However, if on the weekends he's not watching DSS and buggering off for his own 'me' time away from you and the kids - that's not fair.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/09/2017 20:45

Expemsiveuniform Don't be so disingenuous FGS!

OP, you can't police where the OW will be with her children but then it sounds like you don't fully trust your H. How if anything have you both addressed the affair?

ShiftyLookingBadger · 13/09/2017 20:47

I don't know, I'm partial to a bit of 'fuck you, you don't matter to me so I'm carrying on with my life regardless' (AKA, not worrying about your kids seeing her just goes to show how you are a bigger person and don't see her as a threat) But then I'm a hard arse

Expemsiveuniform · 13/09/2017 20:49

Shrug. Either they are both to blame - in which case my point stands.

Or it's her husband who owes her, in which case my point stands.

The one thing I'm sure of is that the ow is not solely responsible. And therefore. Sauce for goose is sauce for gander.

Either you trust him or you don't. She's not the only woman in the world and if he wants to he will again.

That's what the op has to work on.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 13/09/2017 20:50

In her shoes the worst thing would be seeing your happy family every week. .
But I get you are pd off. .

Original poster

Helpmegetoverthisplease · 13/09/2017 21:00

No im not over it. I'm fine until any mention of her and then the anxiety returns.

We had counselling. Everything has been fine until I found out her DC is on the same team as DSS. As long as I don't have anything to do with her I'm fine.

I'm not asking DH to stop going to matches, more to make allowances to miss the odd one if it unable to find alternative childcare once every couple of months. I look after our DC every weekend while he's at matches and all I'm asking is he look after them this weekend so I can do something where it would not be appropriate to take small DC.

He wants to take them to the match but I feel uneasy with them being around this woman.

It was a over 6 years ago, I was pregnant at the time and feeling like crap in general. Her DC is the same age as DSS. They got close bla bla bla- she told him to leave me and told me they were planning on raising my baby together. DH denies this and said it was just a moment of madness. It ended. She's popped up every now and then since but I can't really do much about her being at matches.

I was nothing to do with DH and DSS's mothers split. It was years before we even knew each other.

So as odd as it sounds I do feel uncomfortable with DH being there with her but I know he wouldn't risk everything again. I also know he doesn't see any harm in a friendly chat with her and it's this reason why I don't want my children going if she's going to be there.

OP posts:

Expemsiveuniform · 13/09/2017 21:01

You need more counselling with your husband.

You clearly aren't secure in your marriage (I wouldn't be either)

Original poster

Helpmegetoverthisplease · 13/09/2017 21:03

I shouldn't have asked here. I know it's U what I'm asking. I'm just tired of them being over it and able to move on but I'm still a mess when she's around.

Her son has only just started playing for DSSs team so has only been going for a few weeks. I know nothing is going to happen. I trust DH, he is genuinely sorry and loves me. She was never sorry and made my pregnancy and early months of my first DC hell.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpmegetoverthisplease · 13/09/2017 21:04

I shouldn't have asked here. I know it's U what I'm asking. I'm just tired of them being over it and able to move on but I'm still a mess when she's around.

OP posts:

Expemsiveuniform · 13/09/2017 21:05

If your DH was that sorry he would do something else with DSS

converseandjeans · 13/09/2017 21:21

I would say it is actually better if he has 3 little kids there as well - less chance for him to chat as he will be sorting them out with snacks/loo breaks etc.. If possible you need to try and ignore her. So long as they aren't for example sharing lifts to fixtures, going to the same socials etc. I think it should be fine.
However he is still out of order for having the affair in the first place.

Viviennemary · 13/09/2017 21:25

I think you're right to be concerned about the OW resurfacing at football meet ups. If your DH doesn't understand why you feel the way you do then this is very worrying indeed. They're the ones who have behaved disgracefully and betrayed trust. Not you. And putting you on the back foot and making you feel guilty is a total cheek. I'd feel like telling the pair of them they're welcome to each other. Don't put up with this.

converseandjeans · 13/09/2017 21:28

empensive why should DSS miss out on having his Dad at matches because he thought it would be a good idea to have a fling? Seems a bit unfair to punish him for his Dad's misdemeanor.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 13/09/2017 22:40

I don't understand your concern at having your kids in the same place she is. Yes I get the comment about them raising your baby together but that was during his affair. That is over and you state you trust him, so what possible influence could she have over your kids? The issue is him being near her, not your kids

nigelsbigface · 14/09/2017 07:03

No I don't think you are being unreasonable in not wanting your children or your h around her... unfortunately you can't do anything about it.
I know how hard it is to show up week after week in this sort of situation. My h had an affair with my best friend. Her kid played on the same sports team as mine. Thus week after week at training and matches I had to stand on a touch line with him at one end and her at the other (they never spoke in public in the mistaken belief that no one else knew-everyone did , including our poor kids as I later found out). It made what was one of the big pleasures of my life-watching my girls do something they loved-unbearable at times. I would sit in the car park and sob before hand. I had several full on panic attacks and had to leave the match once. Our mutual friends (the woman's and I) were great and never let me stand on my own but it was still an effort to get myself there and it cost me dearly in terms of my mental health. I had to turn up for my girls but I would spend half the week in bits about going, and a day or so after feeling awful having had to.
Both h and the woman carried on regardless, happy as Larry, which made it worse.
Viscerally it irked me hugely that she was watching my kids do something they enjoyed, and the thought of her and him later talking about dd1's great goal or whatever made me feel sick.
It still does now as she is now spending time with my kids when they at their dads-but again nothing I can do about it-and a few years of CBT have helped me manage my feelings about it to some degree.

I asked her ,via h ,in the first few weeks after finding out, to give the matches a miss.she missed one, then said she was pissed off at having to. Never mind that she had just destroyed my life really. People like that have No shame op so you will get no quarter in even asking for a compromise.

All you can do, hard as it is, is brave it out. Turn up looking fabulous, ignore her totally.
Your lack of trust in your h is a separate issue-I never get people
That say 'your problem is with him and not her' . It's perfectly reasonable to have a problem with both of the people that have hurt you.

nigelsbigface · 14/09/2017 07:07

Your h is being a knob if he insists that 'having a chat with her' is ok.
In your circumstances it isn't.You've said it isn't. That should be enough.
I don't understand why you don't take it in turns to go to the matches however-or all go together? Kids and you and dh?

TheVoiceOfTreason · 14/09/2017 09:05

@ExpensiveUniform I don't know, saying if DH was really sorry he'd do something else with DS risks punishing DS for DH's affair, which is hardly fair on DS.

Not really sure what the work around here is OP but totally reasonable to be upset about it in the circumstances. I wouldn't want my DH seeing her either if I was in
your shoes. Trouble is, he can't ask her to stay away when her own child is also there, and if you volunteer to go in your husband's place then that just means you'd have to see her every week....which is obviously really shit too. No obvious solutions I'm afraid, but if what you really want here is some sympathy rather than practical advice, then I'm pretty sure the entire of mumsnet sympathises with your position here.

Ttbb · 14/09/2017 09:34

I don't think that you are being reasonable but you can't really be expected to in your situation. Your DH would be unreasonable to deny or debate your request.

notanotherNC · 14/09/2017 10:04

So your husband has kids with another women, kids with you and there is an OW? He has been busy hasn't he? Why are you with this man, he clearly can't keep it in his trousers and has no respect for your feelings!

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