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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not reply to this text

63 replies

retainertrainer · 13/09/2017 20:15

My sister in law has just sent me a text. It's a photo of her DS's name scrawled across a piece of paper titled 'proud mummy moment'. He's just started school and obviously written it himself. I know it's lovely when they start learning and I'm hoping the novelty will wear off but I just can't bring myself to reply!

OP posts:

Patchouli666 · 13/09/2017 21:09

And you are only human darling. Xx

KurriKurri · 13/09/2017 21:11

What you are feeling is not jealousy and bitterness - it is grief, you need to see it for what it is, to start being more forgiving of yourself.

You have every right to feel all sorts of emotions, sadness, anger whatevr you are feeling is valid. I had fertility problems for many years and the number of times I wanted to shout fuck off at people - I've lost count ! My marriage also fell apart a few years back and I sometimes want to shout fuck off at folk walking around hand in hand with their partners. IT can make you feel sick for the hurt and then sick with yourself that your feelings are 'bad or mean'. They aren't.

It is grief for the life you imagined you would have but never did.
And it's OK. Put yourself first and if someone says something that hurts you, however unintentionally, let yourself assess it and why it makes you feel bad, acknowledge it to yourself,give it a name 'I am feeling sad about this because I would have liked more children', give yourself a moment to experience the feelings, then try to let them move past. Then give yourself some love and kindness.

cloudchasing · 13/09/2017 21:11

Bless you

dowagercountess · 13/09/2017 21:13

OP we struggled with secondary infertility after DS. I remember reading an article online where a woman was saying about how it's hard because people pooh-pooh it as you already have one child. She also wrote how it's hard as you have all of the baby paraphernalia hanging around the house (buggies, moses baskets etc etc) reminding you each and every day. Thinking of you XX

Poshjock · 13/09/2017 21:14

Of course you have reason to feel bitter and sad and jealous. What defines us is what we choose to do about those negative feels we have.

Forgive yourself retainer - you came on here stuck up a thread and took a dose of reality which galvanised you to do the right thing. You'll feel better for doing it and being a nice person who's family obviously love you and know you care (because you wouldn't being getting the texts in the first place!). You did the right thing and dealt with your negative feelings in a positive way. Yes it hurts, but that doesn't change that you are a good person

one2three4five · 13/09/2017 21:18

There must be a back story here?!

My DS just started school too, and I'd be pretty upset if his Auntie ignored a text like that! There is absolutely no way that she would ignore it, she would probably be as proud as me, and she's my brothers partner, so not even his blood relative! I can't understand for a second why you wouldn't reply?!

Original poster

retainertrainer · 13/09/2017 21:23

Thanks everyone. I've brought a lot of this on myself by not being open and honest about it. When DS was a toddler people started asking when we were having another and it was all so personal and private I found the best response was 'I don't know,we're happy as we are' and then as the years ticked by I'd say we were happy with one so no one knew the truth and as a result no ones been sensitive about it. When DS was 5 we decided enough was enough,i needed to move on emotionally and we sold all the baby stuff,went on holiday and cracked on with life as a family of 3. A few months later sil announced she was pregnant followed by my 2 best friends and the babies have come thick and fast since then but I have generally been able to be happy for everyone and say and do all the right things. Texts like the one I had today though,I just think, give me a break!!

OP posts:

one2three4five · 13/09/2017 21:23

Apologies, I replied before I had read the full thread slaps wrists

You have my sympathy OP, it doesn't look like we're going to be able to have any more children either, and it's a really hard thing to deal with.

MrsMozart · 13/09/2017 21:24

I know it's unMumsnetty, but have a hug OP.

TheDayIBroke · 13/09/2017 21:31

to you OP.

You are allowed to feel like this. It seems like you've been, and are going through a horrible time. You hate yourself for feeling the way you do, but you can't help it - it is understandable and you are human.

Take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve, because that is also what you're feeling.

I wish you all the best.

dowagercountess · 13/09/2017 21:33

I know it's unMumsnetty, but have a hug OP.

Agreed, I've seen some horrible posts and replies on threads recently, it's rather nice to see some support and generosity!

Miserylovescompany2 · 13/09/2017 21:41

It so hard when you've had to let go of the hope of having another child of your own. I'd imagine letting go of the baby things stung like hell - then having folk waving their scan images around like "this is what you could of had" without even realising they are doing it?

What you are feeling doesn't make you a bad person - it's makes you human

Remember to be kind to yourself...

MyCatIsASpy · 13/09/2017 21:43

Be nice it is free

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