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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's perfectly ok to be quiet without having to be told.

62 replies

peggiesue · 12/09/2017 19:00

I've always been quiet and at times it's been hard. I've always wanted to be more outgoing and I envy people who have loads of self confidence and aren't afraid to be heard. What i hate more than anything is when people draw attention to it. If you're loud nobody says "aren't you loud", but when it comes to quiet people it's like we have to be told about it. Why, don't they think we KNOW. All it does with me is make me even quieter. Does anyone else get this.

OP posts:

BlondieNikC · 12/09/2017 20:19

My DD who has ASD has been told she's quiet by family and by strangers. Yup, drawing attention to her will really help her to relax...

CoconutGal · 12/09/2017 20:20

People always assume I'm pissed off or stressed when I'm quiet when actually sometimes I just have nothing to say or am just a little worn out & not in the chatty mood.

Spangles1963 · 12/09/2017 20:29

I've often been accused of being 'too quiet'. But it's usually by people who are too loud and never stop talking,so I try not to let it bother me. Empty vessels make most noise,so I'm told.....

maxthemartian · 12/09/2017 20:37

I'm quite introverted but I don't get being rude about louder or more talkative people.
Loud or quiet, it's all good as long as no-one is being horrible.
People should judge less.

frenchknitting · 12/09/2017 20:50

I totally get this. I don't know how many times I've been happily sitting as part of a group, thinking that I'm interacting fine. Then some prick says "you're always so quiet" in front of everyone and completely bursts my bubble. I can't think why you would possibly say it, other than to deliberately make someone feel self conscious and uncomfortable.

The worst time was at a graduate induction day for my work, with a bunch of folk who seemed to think they were auditioning for the apprentice. I wouldn't have minded, but I was being fucking bubbly.

Yanbu

balsamicbarbara · 12/09/2017 21:02

If someone asks why you're getting quiet just say you're mentally trying to picture them naked. Usually gets rid of them.

ineedmorethanthis · 12/09/2017 21:04

I got marked down on a professional assessment during my degree for being too quiet and not making small talk with colleagues. It was a HCP role. My patient contact was fine, I just wasn't chatty enough to colleagues apparently

ineedmorethanthis · 12/09/2017 21:07

I was introduced to a friend of DH once. He was the loudest person I ever met and spoke endlessly at incredible speed. He never stopped talking (about himself). At one point he stopped, gestured towards me and said "she doesn't say much does she?"

Twat.

Original poster

peggiesue · 12/09/2017 21:07

french i totally identify with that. When i'm in groups i try so hard to not come across as quiet and think i'm doing really well. Then just like you someone bursts my bubble and tells me i'm being quiet. It totally deflates me and i spend the rest of the night analysing how i was coming across. It's so personal, i'd never say to someone in a group "you're so loud"., i never hear someone say that.

OP posts:

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 13/09/2017 09:22

The phrases 'be quiet' and 'shut up' and 'gobby' were invented to tell loud people to be quiet I get told I'm loud all the time ( I'm from Yorkshire - we yell our words).

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 13/09/2017 09:31

And we don't get 'you're loud' , we get, 'wow you're ... energetic' or ' you're very open aren't you?'
I understand what you're saying OP and it's really shit, but I could do without all the loud bashing. Yes, if someone's talking endlessly or about themselves then they're shit company but some of us are just .. louder. I don't mean to be and I've had my fair share of ' can you lower your voice a bit' in the middle of an anecdote and felt mortified and then lost all confidence and gone silent. We're all different, why do we have to make everything about this or that? Extrovert v introvert, loud v quiet - it's stupid.

user1485342611 · 13/09/2017 11:11

I'm quiet and one thing I really hate is people trying to make me 'the life and soul of the party'. I'm at a wedding or party, quite happily having my drink and chatting to a couple of people and you will invariably have somebody trying to drag you up onto the dance floor or some such. Just-leave-me-alone-I'm-perfectly-happy-doing-what-I'm-doing.

LawrenceSMarlow · 13/09/2017 11:30

Love how all the extroverts come on and immediately make it about them

dollydaydream114 · 13/09/2017 12:28

I'm not an introvert thanks. I'm just quiet. Rude, inappropriately, loud people often brand themselves as extroverts when they're often the opposite.

Bear in mind that excessive quietness can also seem just as rude to others as loudness does.

I'm quiet and also relatively shy, but I'm also aware that it's rude and sullen to make no contribution to conversations at all, to show no interest or to give one word answers when spoken to.

It's fine to be 'quiet' - it's not fine to be sullen, monosyllabic, unreactive to others and to give the impression that you can't be bothered to contribute. Sometimes that's how extreme quietness comes across and although I'm quiet I make an effort not to be difficult company.

dollydaydream114 · 13/09/2017 12:31

I'm quite introverted but I don't get being rude about louder or more talkative people.
Loud or quiet, it's all good as long as no-one is being horrible.
People should judge less.

Exactly, maxthemartian! It's not about loud/quiet - it's about how people come across as a whole and how they react to others.

Blondefancy · 13/09/2017 12:32

I used to get told in my teens that I was loud 😂 but then again some of my elder family members can be very abrupt with their comments

ForagingForFaerieGold · 13/09/2017 12:39

I'm pretty quiet. Usually if anyone comments I give them a supercilious look (apparently I'm quite good at this). Then THEY go quiet. no wonder I have no friends

Needalifeoverhaul · 13/09/2017 13:11

Yep..totally get this. People have 'commented' since I was a child and although it doesn't bother me now...with age comes a don't care attitude...when I was a teen/in my 20's, I hated it. It was drawing attention to something which others obviously viewed as a flaw of mine! All comments like that did was to lower my self esteem and destroy any shred of confidence resulting in me becoming even quieter

ballestief · 13/09/2017 13:15

I once finished a fixed term contract after 6 months, and the nasty bitch I worked with made one of her usual type of comments on my last day. she said "oh we'll hardly notice you aren't here any more, you're so quiet all the time anyway, you don't talk to anyone"...I replied "Actually I'm not a bit quiet, I just can't fucking stand you and your friends here and wouldn't want to chat with you if you were the last people on earth".

It felt so good, I'd been holding that in for months.

roseforarose · 13/09/2017 17:52

*I'm quite introverted but I don't get being rude about louder or more talkative people.
Loud or quiet, it's all good as long as no-one is being horrible.
People should judge less.
Well yes i agree, but i've never heard the same said to loud people. My thread is about how some people act towards quiet people. I wouldn't dream of being so rude to loud people.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/09/2017 18:08

All the posters who showed up to proclaim their loudness sound so smugly proud of the fact that they're probably a boring burbling pain in the arse
Are you all "I'm mad, me" types? Everybody actually hates you, you know.

BlackeyedSusan · 13/09/2017 18:15

you tend only to notice the comments that are relevant to you though. If you are quiet you do not here all the things people say about loud people.

carefreeeee · 13/09/2017 18:20

Don't worry about it. It's exactly the same as fat people always tell me I'm too thin (I'm not - I'm above the halfway point on BMI chart). I would never dream of telling a fat person they were fat because it would be very rude and would upset them.

Titsywoo · 13/09/2017 18:24

Yeah it's annoying. I was very quiet when I was young and people bringing attention to it all the time made me so self-conscious. I'm not so quiet now I'm older (I am introverted though) but my DD is a bit quiet and teachers always bring it up like it's a terrible disability which pisses me off. It's her personality leave her alone - and maybe start listening to quieter members of the class not just the ones who shout the loudest!

ReturnOfTheCaramac · 13/09/2017 18:25

I get this all the time. Typically from the gob almighty types at work. Sometimes they try to be witty and say "Ooh, she never stops talking does she?" or "Can't get a word in edgeways with you!"

Like that's going to encourage me to sidle over to them for a nice chat.

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