How to be assertive without getting teary and upset?

[Tailypo]

This is so embarrassing, but I'd really love some advice please.

Sorry if this post is unclear in places.

I had a situation today where I had an unexpected phone call from the owner of a place where I volunteer every week.

The owner phoned up to ask why I hadn't done something that I'd been asked to do a couple of days earlier. I said I hadn't done it because another volunteer had stepped into do it and had already done it.

The owner replied that I should have done it because it was my job, not the other volunteer's.

I got a bit teary then instead of asserting myself, and struggled to carry on with the phone call.

To give more context, I have found the owner a bit unreasonable in the past, which may be why I struggled to hold it together today.

I actually would like to give up the volunteering, as I'm finding it a bit stressful because of the owner's attitude, but feel like I have to carry on with it out of politeness and obligation.

Anyway, here's the AIBU:

AIBU to ask you how I can learn to be assertive in challenging situations with colleagues rather than getting upset?

I actually would like to give up the volunteering, as I'm finding it a bit stressful because of the owner's attitude, but feel like I have to carry on with it out of politeness and obligation

If it's too difficult, then I suggest you consider moving on and offering your services somewhere you will be appreciated?

Did the other volunteer step up to the plate to do something you should have done, but didn't? In that case, the owner's criticism may be justified

Otherwise, if the job got done and it didn't matter who did it, then you can try vague comments like "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I think it worked out OK in the end"

I would leave and volunteer somewhere else, personally. A lot of places are in need of volunteers and wouldn't treat you like crap!

It sounds like the owner is using volunteers as workers. Ultimately you're volunteering you don't have to be there, find a new place.

Don't allow the situation to upset you like this. You are doing a wonderful thing by volunteering, other charities would love to have you. Write a letter to resign from your post and either take some time out, or move on to another volunteering role, where you are appreciated.

I'd leave, too. You're a volunteer and the job got done. You don't need to work for free for an idiot.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Pengggwn I asked the owner why it was a problem, and all they said was that I had to do this job as it was mine, not the other volunteer's. They kept on saying this, which seemed a bit unreasonable to be honest.

youhavetobe That's a good point. Perhaps it was because the other volunteer didn't do in the end. I'm not sure.

Nicolas I'm definitely considering that. Thanks.

Leave.

However if your anything like me you will find the confrontation of leaving hard? And want to cry when confronted about it?

I feel your pain. Be strong.

Thanks Just and My

Captain you've hit the nail on the head there. I thought I was going to be there for one day a week, but it's turning into a situation where the volunteer and I have been at the beck and call of the owner at all times.

Shower Yep that's exactly it!! I can't believe myself sometimes 🙈🙈 it's like I feel that I owe the owner something!!

it's kind of people pleasing.

sometimes I think you can't please everybody alll the time.

When it comes down to it I would kias heir feet to make the. happy. even if I really didn't like them

lots of typos!

I'm gona cry....

'Okay. I'll be completely honest: I am failing to understand why you are annoyed about this and I think you are behaving unreasonably. This isn't the first time I have thought this. I am considering giving up my volunteering role. Do you have any other feedback as to why this was such a problem?'

That's very good. Fair, not rude, assertive

Resign in writing. Avoid the face to face.

Tiny steps in assertiveness are amazing. I suggest taking a moment before replying, gives my brain time to decide whether I want to or can do something. Then say exactly what you genuinely think. You walk away doing an imaginary fist pump, rather than the 'shit, why did I agree or not say what I really wanted to.'

That's not volunteering. The work volunteers do should be supplementary to the core work of the organisation, and smart volunteer co-ordinators will pay attention to how their volunteers are treated. You don't have to do this role.

So here you've got an opportunity to practice assertiveness- personally I'd ditch the organisation entirely but you may want to do a shift still. I would:

Write yourself a script focusing on the outcome you want to achieve. Don't get caught up in the story or how the other person has behaved.
When communicating your boundaries to the other person, use the broken record technique eg

'I am going to be doing one shift a week from now on. I'd just like to remind you that I'm a volunteer. My understanding of my role is x'
But the work won't get done
'I'm afraid that's not my problem. I'll be doing one shift a week from now on'
How can you be so unreasonable! This is your responsibility!
'I choose to volunteer my time in this role, I don't have to be here. I'll be doing one shift a week from now on'

Ad nauseam

Or, you could just send a nice email saying thanks for opportunity, I've decided I won't continue to volunteer. Kthxbai

Resign. Then you can work on your assertiveness with someone who's more likely to be reasonable.

This "owner" sounds like they regularly walk over people so is unlikely to be won over by your reasonable arguments.

But YY to the deliberate pause, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Also asking for time to consider etc. before agreeing to anything.

I would also remind yourself that you hold the power in this situation e.g. You have no obligation to be there and can leave at any time

Lol I'm like this too. Last year I had to confront the mot garage when they failed to complete something on my car so it failed the mot and I was furious. I wanted to cry at the thought of confronting them but it was that or pay a bill of a few hundred pounds so I gathered my fury around me and stalked in there and got my car fixed for free. So relieved and cried when I was done!! Sometimes you just have to do it and the relief afterwards is immense

Firstly I'd leave, offer your services somewhere they will be better appreciated.

Secondly (how to build your assertiveness):
Assertiveness and confidence breeds more assertiveness and confidence, so one small step at a time. Each little victory will help you the next time.

Try to delay any confrontation or face to face interactions until you have 'psyched yourself up' and planned what to say (perhaps you could have ended the phone call, with an excuse of someone at the door or something and then rang back a little while later when you had gathered your thoughts)

Try to take the emotion out if the conversation, focus purely on facts and not how you feel as such, you will feel calmer. Ask questions or for clearer explanation (thus will also give you a chance to gather your thoughts)

I find three things help. One is procedural, one is mental, the third is about understanding the other person.

1. Mental: give less of a fuck. Ask yourself what is really the worst thing that can happen here? you get told to leave an unpaid job you don't really like doing. so what? Get things in proportion and try to stop craving praise.

1. Understanding: Pushy people don't mind being pushed back - if he is confrontational with you, it is not because he wants you to be meek and quiet - he would be quite happy for you to be clear and assertive back. In fact this is probably what he is most comfortable with. so reflect his behaviour back to him to get the best out of him. Pushy people don't understand quiet people and vice versa. So really, by being assertive you are reacting in the way that he wants - this helps to remember if you are naturally a people pleaser (which if crying, you probably are).

1. procedural tip: ask him lots of questions rather than justifying yourself. That way, it sounds like you are trying to understand the problem but actually you are getting yourself out of a rude interrogation, and forcing him to his own conclusion that he is whining about nothing and it does not in fact matter whether she did the task or you did it since there is no harm done. eg. "was it done wrong?" "is she upset about having to do it?" "did it have a knock on effect to something else?" "why?" etc.

You can work on your assertiveness OP, and others on here have good advice.

But seriously - time to quit that place. It may seem difficult right now but they are treating you like shit. See it as a lesson for the owner. If people keep putting up with this crap, s/he will never learn.

Once you are out, you will wonder why it took you so long. Honestly. I give you permission to leave.

Allow yourself to think "fuck this shit"

Then cancel the volunteer job, no need for lengthy explanations. Keep it very very short.eg: "Due to family commitments I will not be able to come any more. Thanks and goodbye!"

Then move to a place that treats its volunteers a bit better!