How to be assertive without getting teary and upset?

[Tailypo]

This is so embarrassing, but I'd really love some advice please.

Sorry if this post is unclear in places.

I had a situation today where I had an unexpected phone call from the owner of a place where I volunteer every week.

The owner phoned up to ask why I hadn't done something that I'd been asked to do a couple of days earlier. I said I hadn't done it because another volunteer had stepped into do it and had already done it.

The owner replied that I should have done it because it was my job, not the other volunteer's.

I got a bit teary then instead of asserting myself, and struggled to carry on with the phone call.

To give more context, I have found the owner a bit unreasonable in the past, which may be why I struggled to hold it together today.

I actually would like to give up the volunteering, as I'm finding it a bit stressful because of the owner's attitude, but feel like I have to carry on with it out of politeness and obligation.

Anyway, here's the AIBU:

AIBU to ask you how I can learn to be assertive in challenging situations with colleagues rather than getting upset?

Practice saying what you want to happen in a calm voice and people will listen. Don't be rude but explain the problem and a solution you want to happen. Listen to their response and if you are not happy repeat your complaint and what you want again. Remember in most instances companies are nervous of receiving bad reviews so look to resolve problems smoothly. Don t be rude just be polite and practice-state problem, suggest solution.

I would really look elsewhere. It seems that you have gotten into an employer/employee dynamic without you actually getting paid for your time. Your "boss" needs to rethink their attitude to volunteer workers.

In future, remember that as a volunteer, you don´t have to do it. So if they say you have to do things you don´t want to, you can just say no. What are they going to do? They can´t discipline or fire you.

Re. giving it up, send an email saying that you have had enough of volunteering for the moment, and your last day will be x. Job done.

I'd be teary in the circumstance you describe and I've been a manager for some years and assert myself regularly. Being treated the way you are being treated there will have been very damaging to your self esteem. If I were you I'd sit down tonight and write a resignation email. Thank them for the wonderful opportunity etc etc should you ever need them for a reference though.

reetgood has pretty much hit the nail on the head. Charities often rely on volunteers but some charities forget that they shouldn't be burdened with the same responsibility as a member of paid staff.

Op, the place you're volunteering isn't a privately owned stately home is it? Sometimes in places where they have a lot of people wanting to volunteer, owners or managers can often treat volunteers like employees because they know someone else is waiting around the corner for the opportunity.

Try reading nice girls dont get the corner office. It helped me enormously.

I would agree with what PPs have said. You're under no obligation to stay there as you're a volunteer not a paid employee. You can just send them a resignation email thanking them for the wonderful opportunity etc. There are plenty of organisations looking for volunteers that will treat you better.

Other posters have given good advice about assertiveness but that's something you can work on for the future. The difficulties you're having with this 'owner' are really not going to improve no matter how assertive you are. It's really not worth it if you're just volunteering.

I agree with other posters. But believe it or not you'll learn to be assertive from this experience. You'll maybe be a bit more confrontational the next time someone does something like this to you. In all honesty, the owner sounds like a moron.

Don't say you were leaving for family committments, say it's because you don't need his shit, and if he doesn't buck up his ideas he'll find a lot of other people leaving as well. Cc ALL.

Don't say you were leaving for family committments, say it's because you don't need his shit, and if he doesn't buck up his ideas he'll find a lot of other people leaving as well. Cc ALL.

Totally agree with others. Remind yourself manager paid you are not if work doesn't get done she has to get it done not you. If you can, practice role play with someone who will gradually give you an increasingly hard time so you can get assertive and think of responses quickly. Managers in such are often under such pressure that they treat others badly or they are too full of their own self importance so remember that and act accordingly ie don't give this manager permission to treat you this way.

Easier said than done but if you can stay and practice being assertive on this mamanger it will get easier when you volunteer or work elsewhere.

...and tell her to check before ringing you again!

If I were in your place, my response would be-

"I will not be spoken to like in that manner"

and

"I am leaving now, permanently"

I'd very possibly also tag an "you intolerable arsehole" on the end too.

I sometimes get that welling up thing in similar circumstances but it's not lack of self confidence nor actual crying, it's sort of an overspill of emotion caused by the sheer volume of anger/pure rage I'm trying to contain. Could you have similarly been angry and trying to remain polite because from what you say anger would have been justified.

You are kind enough to volunteer your time and efforts. You should not be treated like that.

Sorry, should read-

"I will not be spoken to in that manner"

I would hope it's been sorted in the past 3 months since the OP posted...