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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To abandon my DD

29 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 12/09/2017 15:06

I've posted about my dd before. I just don't know what to do. I'm besides myself with worry. She 27 and won't leave her flat. It's been ages - she lives with her Bf of 10 years. Sleeps all day . Games all night. Doesn't work.

She won't talk to me. The only contact we have is Facebook and that is one word answers if I'm lucky. Yesterday she put a meme on her wall about being a crap friend because of depression and tagged her old friend.

I messaged her and begged her to reply and I was getting standard one word a answers. So I said shall I go see her. She freaked out at me saying I was pressurising her by keep messaging her. That all she wanted was to get a shower but now she's upset Etc. She said i.I'm to leave her alone and that she'll message me IF SHE WANTS TOO (her capitals) that if I message her again she'll delete her facebook. I hardly message her - just every week or so but then she posts crap on her wall it's bound to make me worry so I ask if she's ok etc. When I visit (rare as she doesn't want me there) she either won't talk to me or talks to me like shit. It's breaking my heart.

I wasn't the best mum . I was young but her life was good. She was with my parents slot (too much) but she wanted to be there - there were kids for her to play with and she could play out but no one at home. I feel twisted with guilt over this. I worked/studied long hours and feel I neglected her.

Now I'm getting paid bad. I've lost her and it feels like my heart has been ripped out.

She doesn't want to talk to me and me talking to her clearly upsets her. I think because it makes her face up to the fact she is unwell. Addicted to gaming and anxious.

I'm desperate. I don't want to go there and make things worse. She told me not to contact her but it feels like I'm abandoning her.

OP posts:

PovertyJetset · 12/09/2017 15:10

She's an adult. You have to respect her wishes.

Hide her from your news feed on Facebook. Send her a message everyone week or so, just a casual light checking in message and let her have the space from you she is craving.

Keep yo doors of communication open but there isn't much More you can do.

AJPTaylor · 12/09/2017 15:11

Do you know what? You need to stop feeling desperate. No amount if worrying you do will make the slightest difference.
Drop her a line. Say you will always be there but you are respecting her wishes.
She might be wasting her life but it is hers to waste.

PovertyJetset · 12/09/2017 15:11

And I appreciate that it's simple enough for me to give that advice whne it must be breaking you to live like this.

HopelessHumphrey · 12/09/2017 15:12

I think you sound very anxious too, as well as your daughter. I really feel for you, it's a very tough situation.

You can't make her accept help. Frustrating I know. I think really, all you can do is make it clear you will be there to support her in some ways when she is ready to turn things around.

I do think clarifying some ways you could support her in future would be helpful. Could you help pay for counselling, etc? Or what might you be able to do?

Don't let her treat you badly by talking to you like you're a piece of shit, though. That's really unhelpful and unhealthy. If she does that because there's a buried resentment from you not being around much when she was little - you need a discussion about that, frank and open, when she's able to do that. But do not allow her to speak to you like shit - that helps nobody, only makes you feel awful and reinforces a shit dynamic of relationships for her. It's not normal to conduct relationships that way and she can't be allowed to pretend it is.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/09/2017 15:18

LEMtheoriginal, I know you're having a difficult time at the moment, but you must give your daughter space! The more pressure you put on her, and judgment about her lifestyle, the more you're pushing her away in afraid. Of course as her mother you naturally worry, but at the moment you need to let her come to you if she feels she has problems.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 12/09/2017 15:21

Depression is a heinous disease and you seem very anxious which can make things worse. You do need to stop asking her how she is; as hard as that is. Sending littles messages weekly might be a way to build the relationship. Not personal things but 'saw this silly cat/dog/hamster video and thought of you' or 'saw as for s TV program / book / film you might like'. Just small things keeping in touch that don't require an answer but remind her that you love her.

Maryz · 12/09/2017 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alpineway · 12/09/2017 15:42

Don't feel guilty, i have a dd very similar, nothing i did was ever good enough, even if you were the "perfect mother" she might still be the same. We've all got our faults, don't blame yourself too much.Some people enjoy hanging on to the past and feeling badly done to, and rather than take responsibility for their own lives like to blame the parents for everything that's wrong.

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 12/09/2017 15:53

I don't always react well to messages from my Mum and we have a pretty good relationship. Sometimes I can feel the worry and questioning in her messages and like the pp's son I just shut down.

I'd hate it if I posted something on a friends wall and my Mum messaged me about it.

I love my Mum so much but she's such a bloody worrier and it makes me feel guilty/annoyed that she worries.

I also hate it when she harrasses me about going to the doctors about stuff. My reaction would never be as extreme as your daughter's but like I said, me and my Mum do have a good relationship, and I'm not depressed.

EternalOptimistToo · 12/09/2017 16:06

The thing that jumps at me is that you would NOT be abandoning your dd. You would be simply following her request.
The other one is how guilty you feel that she is in such a bad place,that it is somehow your fault that she is depressed and/or isn't accepting your help/confort/communication. Which I suspect has nothing to do with yu but has everything to do with her depression.

I would step back a bit and get her happy non invasive messages once in a while. Maybe not even once a week.
If you find her messages on her FB page upsetting, don't follow them.
But do make sure that she knows she can always contact you if she wants to.

Quartz2208 · 12/09/2017 16:16

I know you are struggling but I think you need to give her space. You are still trying to make her responsible for your happiness. But the opposite is true you are not responsible for the choices that she made. You actually say you were not the best mum but her life was good, She was with your parents and by all accounts her upbringing has not led to her decisions now.

Evelynismyspyname · 12/09/2017 16:24

I do agree with others - adult children rarely respond well to overtly anxious messages begging for replies - it can feel very needy and invasive, and your DD probably can't cope with the demands she feels your messages make on her. Obviously it's understandable why you feel and communicate as you do, but your daughter isn't in the mental state to give you the type of relationship you need, which is one in which she can make allowances for your anxiety and step back and remind herself that you need her to respond in a certain way for your mental health... Even non depressed adult offspring have to take a deep breath and get a good eye roll and blustery ffs out of the way before reminding themselves to be the dutiful daughter (or son) and picking up the phone to reassure a mother who wears their anxiety and need for reassurance on her sleeve.

It sounds like a bit of a vicious circle where any contact (even second hand) between the two of you is making the other more anxious or frustrated.

Step back. Stop telling her you're worried about her. Stop begging. Keep the lines of conversation open but light, and pretend not to be bothered if she doesn't reply. Eventually she'll respond on some level.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 12/09/2017 19:36

Thankyou so very much for the kind words - you have made me cry. I have had an emotionally fraught day at work and came home to your lovely messages which mean a lot. I also got a message from dd's partner saying that she seems ok to him. I can see that as she is a lot more easy going when he is around. Still. It's something. It's hard not to message her but I will give her space.

I have a lot going on in my life just now and I need to focus on things but I feel plagued by guilt if I feel happy. I don't feel I deserve it.

OP posts:

Gazelda · 12/09/2017 19:50

You do deserve to be happy. Honestly, you really do.

It must be so hard trying to keep a distance from your DD. But it's for the best in the long term, hopefully she will grow closer in time.

I hope things start looking up for you.

Maryz · 12/09/2017 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Evelynismyspyname · 13/09/2017 15:40

*So maybe if you got this under control and were happier, she might be happier because she would feel less guilty that you are unhappy due to you feeling guilty that she is unhappy and on and on and on ......

Maryz has it I think.

Your daughter almost certainly knows that you hang your happiness on hers and hates being made responsible.

Also maybe she isn't nearly as unhappy as you think - it could well be that she feels judged by you for living the way she does, but without the judgement would actually be fairly content with her lot (if not very productive!) as she is, and if she didn't feel defensive she might eventually decide of her own accord that she's getting bored of living a nocturnal life of gaming and wants to do a bit more with her life.

Your judging comes from a place of love but tbh that probably makes it harder to deal with.

Unconditional love here might involve accepting her choice to live in a way that you cannot fathom her choosing for now. It seems her partner does accept it and supports her fairly happily for the moment? Perhaps that's why she's more relaxed around him?

Aren't people constantly telling the parents of young children that a happy mother means a happy child...

It's a bit simplistic but certainly a mother cannot possibly make their child happier by choosing to be miserable! It just makes no sense, the entire mindset of choosing misery is truly twisted and must make her feel guilty and defensive if she knows you are choosing to be miserable because you think she isn't happy (which it sounds as if she probably does)!

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 14/09/2017 19:39

She messaged me today. Nice as pie . So I kept it light. Chatted about her game . Then she messages me to ask for £50 to buy updates. I'm torn between angry and really hurt. I told her she can have money when I get paid but that would be all she can have for the game. Dp says I'm a fool if I give it to her as I can't afford it but it's better than a box of chocs isn't it??

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 14/09/2017 20:14

You need to say no, £50 on a game that she is addicted to is enabling her. SOmetimes you need to say no to your children

AfunaMbatata · 14/09/2017 20:19

If she wanted it for crack would you give her the money? Her addiction to the games are ruining her life, don't enable it.

HVB79 · 14/09/2017 20:20

I'm sorry, what a difficult situation. I agree you shouldn't give her the money, especially if it would be a struggle for you. It sounds like you worked really hard to provide for her but now she is an adult and you don't have an obligation to fund her gaming. Perhaps you could say something like you can't afford to pay for it but you'd really like to treat her to a coffee when she's feeling up to it?

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 14/09/2017 20:25

She has asked for £50 but I'm going to give her £20 and make it clear she won't be getting any further money for it. I felt happy and relieved when she first messaged but I knew she would ask for money

I am just terrified of losing her. Fuck I'm weak

OP posts:

HVB79 · 14/09/2017 20:30

You're not weak. It sounds a horrible situation. But don't you think giving her almost half the money is sending her mixed messages...

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 14/09/2017 20:33

Absolutely but I love her and just want a relationship with her

OP posts:

Ttbb · 14/09/2017 20:37

She doesn't want you. You are not abandoning her. You will always be there for her when she changes her mind.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 14/09/2017 20:40

You can raise them and you can love them, but you cannot live their lives for them and you cannot control what they do or don't do. You have to distance yourself emotionally from her and it's certainly hard, but if you accede to her requests for money, they will get more insistent and she will ask for more each time.

She is a young woman who has recognised what pushes your buttons. You're terrified of losing her, so you do what she wants. It's not making you any happier though is it. And it's not making her nicer to you. She has a partner who can be there for her. Are you planning to be doing this when she's forty?

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