To abandon my DD

[LEMtheoriginal]

I've posted about my dd before. I just don't know what to do. I'm besides myself with worry. She 27 and won't leave her flat. It's been ages - she lives with her Bf of 10 years. Sleeps all day . Games all night. Doesn't work.

She won't talk to me. The only contact we have is Facebook and that is one word answers if I'm lucky. Yesterday she put a meme on her wall about being a crap friend because of depression and tagged her old friend.

I messaged her and begged her to reply and I was getting standard one word a answers. So I said shall I go see her. She freaked out at me saying I was pressurising her by keep messaging her. That all she wanted was to get a shower but now she's upset Etc. She said i.I'm to leave her alone and that she'll message me IF SHE WANTS TOO (her capitals) that if I message her again she'll delete her facebook. I hardly message her - just every week or so but then she posts crap on her wall it's bound to make me worry so I ask if she's ok etc. When I visit (rare as she doesn't want me there) she either won't talk to me or talks to me like shit. It's breaking my heart.

I wasn't the best mum . I was young but her life was good. She was with my parents slot (too much) but she wanted to be there - there were kids for her to play with and she could play out but no one at home. I feel twisted with guilt over this. I worked/studied long hours and feel I neglected her.

Now I'm getting paid bad. I've lost her and it feels like my heart has been ripped out.

She doesn't want to talk to me and me talking to her clearly upsets her. I think because it makes her face up to the fact she is unwell. Addicted to gaming and anxious.

I'm desperate. I don't want to go there and make things worse. She told me not to contact her but it feels like I'm abandoning her.

Are you sure the messages are coming from her? Does her bf have access to her account? It just seems a bit off (I have depression- I'm bi polar so I know that it can be that causing this too) but could her bf be isolating her further?

It just doesn't sit comfortable with me...hope I'm wrong though.

I'm sorry op I'm hoping it is just her depression causing this and that you both get a solid relationship soon.

I've PM'd you, OP

I think that they call it enabling don't they? Don't absolutely not give her money and it will not equal a relationship, you are basically helping her to continue to not work all day and play games all night.

Which is basically what you were worried about in the first place.

I'd say stop trying to have a relationship with her that is on her terms. As in, she's only nice if you give her something. Carry on being a parent. One that is strong, respectful and living your own life. Let her see you do some really positive things.

You could text or call her every week or two weeks if you want to. But saying, I'm just saying I'm here, if you want me (but not for money or enabling), a brief note about another family member, say you hope she is fine, you are thinking of her, you'll call again next week.

Leave it at that.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety in the past which occasionally caused me to push my parents away as I felt that they were being to tough on me when all I wanted to do was wallow and be on my own. Occasionally I needed to take a bit of space because I couldn't deal with the guilt of causing them pain on top of any self loathing I had.

However I always knew that they were there for me no matter what and I now get on extremely well with them. It hurt me so much to know that my parents were so worried about me, when all I wanted was for them to be happy. Then I could try and start to make myself happy.

You sound like a lovely mum who clearly cares so much. Keeping a bit of distance and looking after yourself doesn't mean you don't love her

However, I would advocate giving her anymore money for games. I understand that playing games can be a way to escape from real life, but to this extent doesn't sound beneficial to either of you