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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not go to baptism.....

29 replies

Xchangedtohideid · 12/09/2017 14:42

I've been invited to a friend's daughter's baptism at 12.30 in 2 weeks. I have two dd - one is 2 and our other is 5 months old.

The issue is that my eldest has a nap from 11.30/12 for 2-3 hours. If they miss it they are a nightmare, have hysterical meltdowns and it takes a few days to get back on track. I am a stay at home mum so it's hard enough with two as it is without the extra shit from missed naps. My youngest is now teething so it's pretty hellish. I have no support whatsoever so the girls are with me 24/7 and it's very hard for me day to day.

She is not a close friend but she is a friend none the less and Id genuinely feel awful if I didn't go as I'd be letting her down, mainly as I had agreed we would go before she booked it and obviously before I knew the time it would be taking place! I honestly just didn't think. I imagined it would be at 3/4 in the afternoon not lunch time.

It's miles away and the church is another 20 min drive from where the party is afterwards. I don't drive so can't go alone with the youngest dd. We have no one who can watch our eldest so I feel like either we all go and put up with the tantrums and shitty few days afterwards, or we all don't go and my friend will be very upset.

If it were somewhere I could get to on public transport it would be fine but even then, the church and reception are miles apart and realistically i can't do it, especially not with Sunday transport. I don't know anyone else who is going so can't ask for a lift.

Is it really unfair for me to pull out because of my eldest nap time? It sounds so silly to miss it 'because of a nap' but it really will cause havoc. Should we all go despite me knowing all hell will break loose if we go and she misses her sleep?

What should I do?

OP posts:
isittheholidaysyet · 12/09/2017 14:46

It sounds so silly to miss it 'because of a nap'

But you've given other perfectly good reasons in your thread. It's not just 'a nap'.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2017 14:46

I'd skip it and buy a lovely present. Honestly it sounds like a nightmare. I'm sure lots of Intrepid Mothers will be along to tell you how they scaled the north face of the Eiger with 12 screaming children but it's not worth it in my opinion.

The parents will probably make lots of random decisions based on their child's needs soon so they will feel sympathetic.

Original poster
Xchangedtohideid · 12/09/2017 14:49

Thanks, they also have a 2 yr old and have said it's also their eldest's nap time...and are expecting us to put up with the aftermath because they are doing it with their own eldest child.

The difference is that it's kind of their choice and they arranged this despite it affecting their eldest.

We are holding off having our youngest baptised for this very reason! 😔

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 12/09/2017 14:50

I'd skip it but learn to drive. I cant imagine being stuck with two kids on a full time basis, having no job, and not being able to be independent in travel terms.

ballestief · 12/09/2017 14:51

Skip it but tell a fib. If you say its because of nap time people will think you just can't be arsed (sorry, but they will).

Montsti · 12/09/2017 14:51

I'd be really annoyed if someone didn't come to an event such as a baptism because their child had to nap! I've got 3 kids under 7 so feel your pain but you've got to be flexible sometimes otherwise you'll never get to go anywhere...

However it sounds as though this baptism will be a complete logistical nightmare for you which would be my biggest issue with going! I would focus on that rather than the nap when telling your friend...

MrsJayy · 12/09/2017 14:52

It isn't really just the nap though it is a mix of issues that sound a complete faff I would apologise and not go.

Montsti · 12/09/2017 14:54

Can she not nap beforehand? Easier said than done, I know...take a buggy and she can nap in that...pity you don't drive as the drive home would've been ideal...

steppemum · 12/09/2017 14:57

does your eldest nap in the car?

if so I would go and leave eldest asleep in car with dh and go in with youngest.

By the time service is over and you reach reception eldest will have had 2 hours sleep.

Danceswithwarthogs · 12/09/2017 14:57

I would agree the transport issues are probably the more practical factor. If you can't get there, you can't go anyway. Send a lovely card/gift and best wishes xx

steppemum · 12/09/2017 14:58

I am assuming from how you posted that your dh drives?

noitsachicken · 12/09/2017 15:01

Drive there, eldest naps in car, DH stays in car with eldest during the service and drive to the party venue, then wakes up in time for the party.
Sorted.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 12/09/2017 15:02

I would say if it's causing you anxiety then give yourself a break and don't go. However I signed myself up for some true nightmares post babies (I was a bridesmaid not once but TWICE 3 weeks after both kids - at the second I also had a kamikaze 2 year old to wrangle) and had 4 other weddings to attend after each baby. I muddled through for the sake of my friends. I just planned the shit out of every moment! BUT I have major anxieties anyway so it caused me huge stress!! Unfortunately for me I'm also I people pleaser so forced myself to figure it out Confused

Original poster
Xchangedtohideid · 12/09/2017 15:02

I'm worried because the ceremony is at 12.30, and my eldest would be absolutely exhausted at this point....when we would need her to be quiet for the service, which we've been told will be an hour. It really will be hell. its going to be such a faff but I'd be really hurt if it were the other way around. I wish I'd waited to see what the time was and locations were before I said yes!

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 12/09/2017 15:08

Mis read im assuming your dh drives let your toddler sleep in the car and you go in with the baby i totally mis read your post

afrikat · 12/09/2017 15:09

Drive there, eldest naps in car, DH stays in car with eldest during the service and drive to the party venue, then wakes up in time for the party.
Sorted.

This. Assuming your DH is driving your eldest can sleep in the car.

Original poster
Xchangedtohideid · 12/09/2017 15:09

It might work for eldest to nap in car during service - my dh drives but the issue is that I don't so couldn't go unless we all went as no childcare help

OP posts:
BeepBeepMOVE · 12/09/2017 15:12

Cant DH drive you all but stay in the car with DD1 napping there whilst you go to the service with DD1?

Original poster
Xchangedtohideid · 12/09/2017 15:13

Thanks guys ☺️

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 12/09/2017 15:13

So you all get in the car and drive there. Kids are asleep in the car/walking in the buggy whilst you go into the church. You all go to the party.

steppemum · 12/09/2017 15:14

All go (you will feel more supported if he is there too, rather than being on your own)
eldest naps in car with dh. If necessary even go early so you sit for 20 minutes before service with eldest asleep, so that she/he gets enough sleep, you can take baby out and stick them in buggy sling, if the car needs to be quiet. Dh can drop you off and drive endlessly round the block if the car needs to keep moving.

I do understand that it is a faff, but is there is a do-able option, then I am a firm believer in life goes on with kids.

MrsJayy · 12/09/2017 15:15

Could he drop you off and pick you up stay in the car with toddler drive to party venue that would be a good 90 minute nap she had.

Leeds2 · 12/09/2017 15:16

Personally, I wouldn't give nap time as an excuse (particularly to a couple whose own DC is fractious if they haven't had one. Rightly or wrongly, they will think you are being a bit wet).
Dont see though why though, as others have suggested, DD can't sleep in the car with your DH sitting with her whilst you go into church with the baby. By the time. you get to the reception venue, she will have had a decent nap.

drspouse · 12/09/2017 15:20

Why would you go, with two DCs, without your DH??! That's just bizarre, especially if he's the driver and there are awkward journeys involved.

If it was me (I do drive), I'd take the 5mo (if they'd be fine/you could take them out) and leave DH and the 2 year old at home. I can appreciate why you don't want to do that.

But if I was you I would
a) tell them you are thinking of coming on your own and is there anyone who can give you a lift from the nearest station (probably there will be) and to the venue after the church (obviously loads of people will be driving it!) and back to the station. DH is at home with the DCs, this isn't his friend, and if your children wouldn't be good company, the family that's invited you would prefer just you I'm sure.
Or
b) Bring DH and leave him in the car with the 2 year old while the ceremony happens, then you can all drive to the party whereupon the 2yo will be rested and delightful (one hopes).

Original poster
Xchangedtohideid · 12/09/2017 15:21

Going to speak to oh tonight and suggest he stays in car with eldest dd so she can sleep whilst I go in with baby. If he says no (because he can be an arsehole, but that's different story altogether) then i'll cut myself some slack and not go.

OP posts:
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