To wonder if private school would be a better option for a shy, quiet child?

[CarmenWedmore]

Just wondering if anyone has experience of this i.e. do shyer/quieter children blossom more at a private than state school, particularly primary. I'm assuming (perhaps wrongly?) that this is the case because there will be less classroom disruption by more 'boisterous' pupils. I'm also assuming a private school will be better organised and that the more conscientious qualities of a quiet child will be appreciated and developed more. AIBU?

I think children in general progress better due to lower classroom numbers, better discipline, and less boisterous children as you have put it.... however...not so sure that they are any better at bringing a shy child out of themselves than a normal primary. Often shy children just remain shy, often shy children find their niche and feel more comfortable in a larger group, and are therefore happier.

I don''t think it is as easy as saying a quiet child will benefit from private school - it very much depends on the school. Not all private schools are brilliant.

All you can do is visit schools and take each on on its merits.

FWIW my daughter is in a private prep and she has absolutely flown - not necessarily because it is private but because it is a good school.

I wouldn't assume that a private school would be better organised! There are good and bad primates just as there are good and bad styles, although you are right of course that private will be smaller, usually. It all depends on the general school atmosphere. Some printed are well known for being 'all rounder' places, some more academic, some more sporty and often outgoing. You will have to go md look round and try to get opinions from pupils and parents in online discussions etc. It's very easy for a private to look nurturing with its extra money and its nice spaces, but much harder to be like that. I'm a teacher who's taught in both sectors and was educated in a mixture too.

Primates = privates, of course.

My DD who is now 13 was a very quiet child. I did send her to a private prep from reception to year 3 and it didn't make her less shy and quiet.

She went then to an outstanding rural state primary and had a hard time for a year...she began to come out of her shell when we moved abroad when she was 11.

We enrolled her in a private school when we arrived here immediately and she has, over the past 2 years really come out of her shell.

I would say it depends on a lot.

There's nothing wrong with being quiet...as long as children have some friends and aren't anxious.

Anxiety is not the same as being shy or quiet.

Oh for goodness sake my entire post is full of typos, sorry.
Styles = states
Printed = privates

YANBU, but my advice would be to take each school on its own merits as it may not be as clear cut as state vs private sector.
My eldest son started school two years ago and is a quieter, more sensitive child. I had the same dilemma when looking at schools for him - we had a choice between a private school or several different types of state school, all in the same town. We also qualified for half-price fees at the private school through my husband's job, which made for more of a level playing field.
In the end, we chose a small, single-form entry, state school. What swung it for me was the friendly, inclusive atmosphere - kids in different years were encouraged to play together, help each other out etc - the size of the school and the amount of green-space and outdoor activities.
The private school was lovely, but felt very sink-or-swim. It had a more competitive ethos and there was more academic pressure placed on pupils from a young age. This may work for my son as he gets older, but isn't the right fit for him now.
He's really thriving at his current school and the small size, with people knowing who he is, saying hello etc has really boosted his confidence. Last night he came home and said that he was standing for student council, which was amazing and completely unexpected!
Visit the schools, talk to the kids, see how they interact in the playground and trust your instincts.

That depends if you mean quiet or shy.

If we're talking in very generalistic terms, you could assume that a shy child would enjoy fading in to the background of a normal sized primary school class where another 29 children are all vying for attention.

But a quiet child might very much enjoy the small class sizes and higher teacher:pupil ratios of private schools that allows them to be listened to just the same as the other 15 children in the class, without needing to be the loudest.

A private school won't necessarily be more organised, not even in general terms!! But there will likely be much more going on - always a soirée or a gala or a parade or show or something!! And it will likely be expected that you want them to help your shy child come out of themselves.

My friend's shy, sensitive, arty daughter was bullied like crazy by super-confident, socially precocious kids at her private primary school, and the teachers weren't great with her, either. Friend took her out and eventually managed to get her a place at the local state school and she absolutely loved it there and made friends with similar interests and loved her teacher who really encouraged her. I don't think this is a state v private thing, it's just a 'different from school to school' thing.

A move from state to private at beginning of Year 2 really helped my DC who was shy, immature, underachieving and lacking in confidence. The difference was noticeable after one day.

Small is not necessarily the best for a shy child as you are more noticeable for being the shy one. In a bigger class it is easier to blend in and find people you are comfortable with and develop confidence out of the spot light.

It depends on the private school and what they offer. My ds has gained huge confidence at his prep school, the class sizes are 15 max, and all pupils do speech and drama. They regularly take part in public speaking competitions, and perform plays at a local theatre to large audiences. It's hard to remain shy and retiring when you are doing those sort of things.

That's a good point, user. I chose a small college for university since I was shy and quiet and thought I'd like it but if you didn't socialise with everyone you sort of disappeared, whereas at larger colleges you could find a small, like-minded group because there were so many more people to start with, rather than one set.

depends on the culture of the school. many private schools are very boisterous, competitive, combative and rife with bullying. Many others are quiet, studious, and more gentle.

Do you think a shy child would blossom around a mini Boris Johnson and David cameron? I think a shy child would be obliterated.

So i guess do your homework really well on picking the right kind of school.

Depends on the private school.
Also, when one of my children was bullied in a state comprehensive they had mechanism s to deal with it that were effectively used. My other son, sent to private schools because he was quiet and needed more help ( we thought at the time) was bullied and the school were totally uninterested

Well, seeing as how private school is better for the vast majority of children (maybe SEN aside, where they benefit from the experience in the state sector) is say that yes, it would be better for your shy DC.

I've taught in both, and the smaller class sizes and fact that children tend to be well behaved and well supported at home (I'm aware this is a generalisation) all benefit the shyer child.

Put it like this, a shy child in a class of 30+ gets missed, forgotten and not challenged. In a class of 18- they'll get plenty of focussed and targeted attention.

And to those who would say a 'good' teacher wouldn't forget a shy child, it happens. It's human nature. The teacher would be more focussed on pushing the bright and controlling the poorly behaved.

In theory yes it can. We sent our son to a private pre-prep as he had a lot of anxiety issues. It was money well spent and he really thrived but when he was a bit older and it was time to move to the "prep" part of the school, they really ramped up the accademic expectaions. His anxiety went hand in hand with dyslexia/dyscalculia etc and basically the school turned round and said that it wasn't a suitable setting. They didn't ask us to leave exactly as that would be illegal but there wasn't much alternative! He's at another independent school (senior) now but it's more geared towards learning support and for children with mild ASD etc, so there are places out there if you research.... and have deep pockets!!

They often do do better simply because there isn't a stigma attached to being quiet or shy or academic or whatever else.

Children gain confidence and a happiness in their own skin.

Like everyone says, it depends on the school. We have just gone from state primary where although DD enjoyed herself, there was a lot of disruption in the class. She's now at a small private school and there appears to be a few similar, quiet kids like herself. The school has a reputation for nurturing (not all focused on academia) and that's why we chose it.

Depends on the school
At my DDs Private school there are a lot of ( over) confident children plus it's quite small so you can't hide if you want to - this might be a good thing though

Ds used to be at a prep school with small classes (though they got bigger) and it was dominated by the loud, 'popular' children. They all took part in plays etc, but those who needed a little push to audition, or a confidence boost got overlooked as it was all about the play being good or the choir winning.

He moved to a state school, and has blossomed in confidence there

Depends on the school. I went to a private, all girls school, admittedly a long time ago now as I'm almost 50.

There was a very shy, quiet girl in my class - we both started at same time, aged 10, and it was the teacher who bullied her - terribly and mercilessly.

And what was even worse was that for some reason, the decision was made for that girl to repeat that year, so she had not one but two years being tortured by that woman.

I don't know what happened to her after that, but I do think about her sometimes and wonder. I complained to my parents about that teacher, but they just shrugged it off.

OP it really depends on the school.

You will get boisterous and disruptive children at every school whether it be state or private, the only difference with private school is they don't hesitate to ask children to leave!

carmen

A number of posters have said this or similar but

Ds1 was a very shy child, struggled to make friends and in hindsight suffered with social anxiety (weirdly popular child...he just cant see it)

We offered him private school for secondary but he really wasnt keen but i was going to push it

Spoke to a friend who said that in a class of 10/15 people there might be one person if he was lucky that would be his friend or he would like, but in a bigger class the odds would be better

That made sense to me

If you were sending him for education reasons with the social side potentially being a 'bonus' then crack on, but it might be different for just the social

hope it goes well whatever you decide

It depends on the school.
Bigger schools = more chance to find friends. A quick search on here and you'll find stories of how intense small school friendships are. For example a class of 5 sounds great but when it's 4 boys 1 girl, it can be a problem later. Imagine being a boy in that class and all of the other boys play football at play but your child doesn't like footie. At small schools I think you're also more likely to have a confident child who all of the others follow. That dynamic is obviously not going to help confidence.

Non-selective private schools sometimes only care if you're paying the fees on time. Selective private schools are sometimes concerned about that and your child's grades. So you could be at a top selective with a boisterous member of the class who will stay as long as their grades are high and the parents pay fees.

Big schools are good for flying under the radar. My son is at state schools and never been disappointed that he didn't help a part in the school play but was still encouraged to speak at assemblies.

I think that big schools tend to be less cliquey too so you don't have everyone knowing all your business.