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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum and DH at logger heads - more a WWYD

32 replies

woolythoughts · 12/09/2017 07:59

Background - I'm an only child, my dad died 10 years ago and mother is 73 and disabled and a "character". I live a 4 hour drive from my mum and try to see her several times a year – I speak to her every day. I’m an It contractor so work all over the country on different contracts but have just taken a contract 40 miles from my mums. Main reasons being it only needs me on site 3-4 days a week plus my mum should be having major surgery in the next 2-3 months so I will be able to be on hand during her recovery.

Was husbands birthday at the weekend so he phoned my Aunt to thank her for the birthday card. In normal social interaction she asked how we were doing and DH said. “Doing fine. Wooly has just changed her car and she’s got a new gig in X. “………. “No, Wooly is not staying at her mums as they would kill each other but when she has her operations, she’ll be able to stay with her to look after her”.

My mum phoned last night and went off on one. Can’t you two keep anything to yourselves. Why did you have to tell “aunt” all that. Its none of their business. Etc etc

Husband is now saying, that’s fine, your mother doesn’t get any more photo’s of cars or work we’ve done on the house – she can see them when she’s able to come down. We’ve done a lot of work recently and when we finish a room, we send her pictures and she then shows them off to the rest of the family including Aunt. Likewise, he just changed his car and she wanted photo’s to show Aunt etc.

I can see the other side , I know the Aunt and I know she can be preachy/judgmental and always thinks her family is better than everyone elses. And I know my mum has always chosen carefully what she does and does not tell he or how she tells her. But then I can see DH’s side which is its none of my mothers business who we tell.

Similarly, Aunts niece owes family a lot of money and has done for a decade. Never paid anyof it back even though she swans off on holidays and ladies days at the races etc. no one has asked for years as when they did all they got was “when the house gets sold………” – its been on the market for 8 years!

Mum always moans about what niece is doing and this that and the other but never once confronts her over it. The mantra, which is the one I was brought up with is “don’t cause trouble”.

So DH is now banging on about my mum being two faced and is pissed off with her over the Aunt situation.

I think I’ve regressed into “don’t cause trouble mode” and frankly would just humour my mother over it since its easier than arguing with her.

I don’t think anyone is being reasonable here (including me!) I just don’t know how to fix it without DH and mum falling out.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 12/09/2017 08:02

I couldn't get het up over this. Can't he just apologise to keep her quiet? I'm afraid I would! With difficult folk it's scout picking your battles (there like kids right?) and this is not worth a battle

QuiteLikely5 · 12/09/2017 08:03

About not scout! Duh

5rivers7hills · 12/09/2017 08:05

Seems like a storm in a tea cup. Just get DH to apologise for speaking out of turn and roll his eyes.

Gazelda · 12/09/2017 08:09

Would DH have liked it of your DM had shared his medical details with someone he has a touchy relationship with, without asking him first?

Surely he can see he just needs to apologise and then everyone can move on?

Original poster

woolythoughts · 12/09/2017 08:17

this wasnt about medical details - they are well known., The issue my mum had was sharing:

i'd changed my car
i had a new contract 40 miles away from mums but would be staying in a hotel not mums.

That was her issue.

OP posts:

tiredmummy1991 · 12/09/2017 08:23

I don't think your DH has done anything wrong. Your mum is annoyed with him sharing information which has nothing to do with her. It's not up to her who he tells about your new car or your work.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/09/2017 08:27

That's your information, if you're happy then DH wasn't wrong to share it. I don't think he should apologise.

kateandme · 12/09/2017 08:32

she can feel sensitive and tell you that.as in "I know you have every right to tell her but I felt so and so a bit emotional about it" which opens up a convo on how shes feeling etc etc. but your not to blame nor you dh for discussing your ow life with who you want.if its nothing to with your mum.
so I see she might feel stuff bout it but then she needs to talk to you bout them issues not put blame on why she has them.

user1497997754 · 12/09/2017 08:36

I think your DH is in the right your mother sounds like mine and wants everything her own way....stick up for your husband and don't force him to apologise ....your mother is the one who needs to apologise....just because they get older and get ill does not give them the right to run roughshod over everyone...,I won't have it and have gone very low contact with my mother....life is soooooooo much better

RhiWrites · 12/09/2017 08:36

You have to think about what aunt said to mum.

"I had a chat with Wolly's DH and he told me that Wooley's got a contract near you but wouldn't stay with you in case you kill each other. I didn't realise things were so tense between you. Why does she feel that way?"

That's got to be hurtful right? Your DH could have been more diplomatic. It's not admirable to go around 'telling it like it is' with no concern for people's feelings.

Cakeycakecake · 12/09/2017 08:43

Your dh isn't in the wrong at all and I wouldn't be asking him to issue fake apologies to make your mum feel better. This is not her information to share, it's yours and dhs and you get to choose not your 'character' of a mum. TBH character makes her sound like a nightmare that people pander to. I have one like that, and I've stopped pandering. She either gets over it or deals with knowing less about my life- right now we're somewhere in the middle.

I'd be firmly telling mum dh has done nothing wrong and you owe him an apology. Won't be sending you any photos of the things we're doing because it's double standards, if we want to share our news etc then we'll do it ourselves.

StarfishSeahorse · 12/09/2017 08:45

is your mum upset/embarrassed for your aunt to find out you and your mum can't stay under the same roof together hence why you'll be staying in a hotel? Maybe that's what she's annoyed about?

LilaoftheGreenwood · 12/09/2017 08:49

How is anyone in the family meant to have a normal conversation?? DH should not apologise, she's being a ridiculous child.

Stopping sending her photos is maybe a little bit tit-for-tat. But there's always the possibility that having a bit of her own information flow cut off will make her think twice in future before she kicks off at either of you, whereas x years of humouring her doesn't seem to have done anything.

kateandme · 12/09/2017 08:50

although if a(perhaps gossipy) aunt came and told me my daughter didn't want to stay with me because we wouldn't get on (kill eacohter) id actually be really ouched about that too.and would rightly or wrongly be wondering what my daughters said bout me and her.

krustykittens · 12/09/2017 08:51

He shouldn't have said that you would kill each other if you shared a house but the rest of the info was his business to talk about. You have my sympathies, though. My mum's side of the family is like this, everything is a front and if you share the slightest piece of information, no matter how innocuous, you will have someone screaming at you. I don't bother with any of them anymore and it is lovely not having to negotiate the minefield of their bullshit squabbles!

diddl · 12/09/2017 08:52

I should imagine the Aunt has had a dig that her only child won't be staying with her & it has hurt.

I think that it sounds as if your mum has overreacted but good lord your husband sounds ridiculous in saying that your mum can no longer have pics.

Is he forbidding you to send them?

Kailoer · 12/09/2017 08:57

What does mum being a "character" mean?
Is that like spirited (little $hit) child.

I get the feeling there's a lot your DH has put up with and this is a final straw if you go into "don't rock the boat" mode in your family dynamic.
Your mum was trying control what your DH said about information that wasn't about her.

And when she didn't get to do that (because it's gossiping behaviour), she kicked off.

Your DH has overreacted but I strongly suspect he's at the end of his tether pandering to your Character of a mum trying to control things which she has no right to.

Support your DH more and try to see through the family dynamic which means your mum has turned a silly trivial conversation into more about her again.

Your DH is probably thinking "isn't life too short to continue to indulge MIL" - I would!

Kailoer · 12/09/2017 08:58

"the minefield of their bullshit squabbles" - perfectly articulated!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/09/2017 09:00

OMG your mother needs to wind her neck in!
I thought from your initial post that your DH had accidentally shared person details of hers that she didn't want known - but no! Turns out it's YOUR personal stuff, and his, that he's shared, which is totally yours and his business if he does.

Sounds like your mum feels like aunt has stolen her thunder by knowing about your new car before she'd seen photos of it. Maybe your aunt and your mum do have a stupid "one upmanship" thing going, but that is NOT your business, and your mum has NO control over what you say to your aunt that doesn't involve your mum directly.

So no, you should not humour your mother over this. You should back your DH and tell your mother to get a grip.

Starfish28 · 12/09/2017 09:09

I actually do think your DH overstepped the mark by telling your Aunt that you can't stand to stay with your mum. The other stuff is here nor there. I also think your husband is being petty about pictures. But saying that your mum also sounds like she is over-reacting. I would just ask your husband to back away and not escalate. But I am always the peace maker in these situations and never really see the sense in going to war over what is let's be honest some fairly minor issues. Good luck as it does sound tough

Original poster

woolythoughts · 12/09/2017 09:11

thanks all. Just to clarify the staying under the same roof issue. i'm 41 and have lived away from home since I was 17. The comment about killing each other was meant tongue in cheek / jesty. If I move back to my mums for 3-4 nights a week every week for 6-12 months the following will happen:

She'll moan at me about how I dress
She'll moan at what I do (or in her view what I don't do ) with my hair
I'll end up helping her around the house as i can't stand to watch her struggle given she can hardly walk (arthritis and waiting on hip replacements) and she'll moan at me for taking over

But the main reason is, one of the only advantages of having to stay away during the week is the ability to be anti social and veg in a hotel usually no more than 5 minutes from work. If I want to go back and just knit and watch box sets all night, I can. If I want to spend hours in the gym I can. I can get up at 0830 and still be in work for 9. Given that after tax and VAT reclaim a hotel room costs £20 a night, its worth it.

In rush hour my mum's is 45-60 minutes away from office location - its not right next door. Think Liverpool and Manchester.

OP posts:

LightDrizzle · 12/09/2017 09:11

Back your husband up in this one. Your mum is really trying her luck in the control front and needs checking. If your husband apologies then she's "won" - pathetic as it all is, and you've just reinforced her behaviour. Her disability must be tough on her, but unless she has early onset dementia, 73 is no age, and certainly no excuse for her behaviour. Sounds like your husband is sick of it. It's not his mother and anyway your mother (or his) should not be the gatekeeper to your relationships with the rest of your family.

alltouchedout · 12/09/2017 09:14

Are they both 12?
I'd back my dh but privately think he'd been a bit daft himself.

diddl · 12/09/2017 09:16

So staying with your mum wouldn't actually be convenient-so there was no need for the "they'd kill each other" comment?

That said, I should imagine it was meant jokingly & your mum has taken it to heart.

Both at fault imo.

kateandme · 12/09/2017 09:20

wooly perfect reasoning for wanting to be on your own.if your mum is paranoid over this id tell her this.doesnt mean you don't love or like being with her.you just need your own space at this time and to and from work.sounds bliss.
don't overthink it.you don't need to explain the above to anyone if you ont choose to.so their reactions isn't your problem.but for the sake of arguemtn and without being backdowner lol just possibly say to your hub how aunt might have told it ontoyour mum and hence ur mams reaction .but that you KNOW it not his fault.
and to your mum again don't apologise just tell her the facts as they are and not to feel hurt because there was no malice coming from your side.

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