Background - I'm an only child, my dad died 10 years ago and mother is 73 and disabled and a "character". I live a 4 hour drive from my mum and try to see her several times a year – I speak to her every day. I’m an It contractor so work all over the country on different contracts but have just taken a contract 40 miles from my mums. Main reasons being it only needs me on site 3-4 days a week plus my mum should be having major surgery in the next 2-3 months so I will be able to be on hand during her recovery.
Was husbands birthday at the weekend so he phoned my Aunt to thank her for the birthday card. In normal social interaction she asked how we were doing and DH said. “Doing fine. Wooly has just changed her car and she’s got a new gig in X. “………. “No, Wooly is not staying at her mums as they would kill each other but when she has her operations, she’ll be able to stay with her to look after her”.
My mum phoned last night and went off on one. Can’t you two keep anything to yourselves. Why did you have to tell “aunt” all that. Its none of their business. Etc etc
Husband is now saying, that’s fine, your mother doesn’t get any more photo’s of cars or work we’ve done on the house – she can see them when she’s able to come down. We’ve done a lot of work recently and when we finish a room, we send her pictures and she then shows them off to the rest of the family including Aunt. Likewise, he just changed his car and she wanted photo’s to show Aunt etc.
I can see the other side , I know the Aunt and I know she can be preachy/judgmental and always thinks her family is better than everyone elses. And I know my mum has always chosen carefully what she does and does not tell he or how she tells her. But then I can see DH’s side which is its none of my mothers business who we tell.
Similarly, Aunts niece owes family a lot of money and has done for a decade. Never paid anyof it back even though she swans off on holidays and ladies days at the races etc. no one has asked for years as when they did all they got was “when the house gets sold………” – its been on the market for 8 years!
Mum always moans about what niece is doing and this that and the other but never once confronts her over it. The mantra, which is the one I was brought up with is “don’t cause trouble”.
So DH is now banging on about my mum being two faced and is pissed off with her over the Aunt situation.
I think I’ve regressed into “don’t cause trouble mode” and frankly would just humour my mother over it since its easier than arguing with her.
I don’t think anyone is being reasonable here (including me!) I just don’t know how to fix it without DH and mum falling out.