To have finally had enough of this shit?

[entitledmuch1]

Posting under a name change just in case. But I have finally had enough of my sister and her children and my mum.

In short, they are allowed to do what they like. If they don't they whine. It is so totally scripted. They ask for something. Any hint of a no gets a long whine or a grizzle until they get given what they want.

My mum dealt with us as children that no meant no and that is it. But her "cute" grand-kids are allowed the most appalling behaviour for no reason.

A huge bugbear of mine is respect for my property which is never shown. I have banned them as being guests in my home as my sisters children are in my bedroom, my study, my bathroom cupboards, my fridge, my food cupboards, the lot. They take what they want. One of them took, stood on and damaged the screen of my tablet in my study. My sister sits and watches it and when I finally deal with them myself and shout at the children to stop what they are doing in my home, she sternly tells me not to be mean to them and she will deal them...but she doesn't. So I banned her from coming to my house but I still get it at hers and on family gatherings at my parents.

The little one in particular (they are 3 and 5) is particularly disrespectful of my things. My phone is a target for him and he has been trying to get it for about a year. He knows I wont let him have it and he tries everything to get it. He sits next to me when I need to use my phone, asks what I am doing, are you playing games, I want to play, etc. I just ignore him and put it away when I've finished.

But what drives me crazy is a few times I have caught him taking my handbag and going into it for my phone. The screen is passcode locked so he wouldnt be able to use it but he may break it. I have gone as far as putting my bag high on a shelf and they have climbed on chairs to try and get it. So it isn't me being careless. At 3.5 and nearly 6 they are old enough to understand they are not allowed my handbag and to respect that. They aren't babies.

There are also prescription drugs in my handbag. They are in foil blisters so not in child proof bottles. I need to take them during the day so they need to be in my bag. I finally let rip at my sister last time I caught the 3 year old with my bag and said to teach her children to keep out of my handbag and respect peoples property. She said they were doing no harm. I said there are prescription drugs in there and would she like to risk a hospital trip just because her kids wont leave my bag alone. My sister actually said I shouldn't carry my pills in my bag.......!

So I am not supposed to carry my pills that I need during the day in my own bag and I am just supposed to allow them to go in my handbag?

It has got to the point where her children are deliberately goading me every time they see me about this issue.

They see their mother and grandmother letting them do what they like and telling me to give them the things of mine that they want. Their mother tells me in front of them to let them have it and when I say no, they get annoyed. But because their mother tells me in front of them oh let them have it, they see it as a game now I think, seeing when I'll give in.

It is EVERY time I see them. There are certain things of mine they want and they KNOW I will not allow them to have but they try every time as their mother encourages me to hand my stuff over. I have to watch my things like a hawk as I know they dont respect things and will take without asking.

It is a horrible thing to say but I actually now cant stand being around the children. I dont actually want to see them anymore. In a way in it not their fault but their mother won't see sense and their behaviour is terrible.

WIBU to back off and just stop going to see them at all?

I agree with the PPs who have said that this set up is extremely dull for children aged 5 and 3. They're very young and will act up if they're not given a fun activity. Why not go to the park or soft play? Or, if the adults want to sit and chat/look at their phones, chill out with tea and biscuits, then why not give the kids a Peppa Pig DVD in another room? The adults can take it in turns to supervise.

Yes children need to learn to respond to the word no. But how much less stressful to the adults if the children are entertained and therefore not playing up!

Maybe you could, in a very sympathetic tone, ask your sister if their doctor has considered testing them yet, to find out why they can't follow directions, or do they want to wait until they are in school? Suggest she have it done early, so they can get into special education classes. If said very nicely, with concern in your voice, she may realize how her children appear to others.

Why not go to the park or soft play?

Are you kidding. Soft play, swimming, theatre, park are a few of the activities we do every time.

I never said the phone incidents were all in the house, mostly after we have got home but not all.

In one instance 3 year old actually got out of the ball pit at softplay and walked towards me when I was sending a text. I stopped and put the phone away in my hand bag and they went back to the pit.

why not give the kids a Peppa Pig DVD in another room I bought in dvds for when they were in my home so did my mum and they watch those and have colouring books. Do you seriously think we just leave them to run riot with no activities and sit talking all day?

Charity shop handbag, stuffed with poundland glitter and lube would be my plant. Maybe a vibrating cock ring if they still sell those.

Not at softplay, mind! Something needs to instil in your sister the Importance of Setting Boundaries.

Obviously you don't, as it's not your responsibility after all, it sounded like your sister and DM did. Would they enjoy playing with playmobil or Lego?

Do they like dressing up? My DDs were absolutely mad on that at that age. And magic wands.

I realise that 3 year olds are very hard to keep amused and these two do seem particularly challenging. And obviously it's not helped by your sister letting them run rings round her.

I can't believe that anyone on earth would say you're BU unless they are those horrific "off grid" parents.

Don't hide your bag
Don't hide your phone.

Adults should parent. A 3 year old should know that no means no.

I do agree that it's shit parenting on your DSis's part not to stop her DCs from touching your handbag, ridiculous.

I certainly wasn't suggesting that it was the OP's responsibility to entertain the children. I was suggesting things her DSis could do.

But if your DSis really isn't prepared to do anything to stop her DCs from misbehaving, OP, then I do agree with PPs on this thread that you might do better not to meet up with them so often.

OP, what a nightmare. I'm leaning towards getting a bag with a padlock or just seeing less of them.

Astounded at those on this thread saying you must not like children or aren't interacting with them. Or leave your phone and meds at home. Is this mumsnet? Everyone's usually so disapproving of bad parenting and whiny demanding thriving children!

Just get up some porn and hand it over. That'll learn them.

Obvs you aren't going to be able to change your mum or sis. And I can understand not wanting to go completely NC with them as it sounds as if your relationship with them is OK when the children aren't around.

You have to be proactive. I understand wanting to vent and that's fine. But you are never going to get your sister or your mother to see your point of view. Just complaining about the situation but doing nothing is pointless.

Would you be able to buy a sturdy plastic lock box & a lock and keep it at your mum's? Maybe tuck it under a bed or closet shelf? If you drive, keep it in your car. That way when your sis and DC are around you can go into another room and quietly lock your purse in it and either stow it away or put it on the shelf where you've put your purse before. If your mum or sis start in on you simply give them a glare and say 'No'. If they continue say 'Drop it!!' and keep repeating those two words no matter what they say. Don't engage, don't offer excuses, don't criticize. If they begin talking to the children about you, dead silence. The point is they can't argue with you if you don't give them something to argue about. And a comment addressed to the child does not deserve an answer.

"Oh let him see it!"
"No"
Oh go on"
"Drop it"
"Don't be a meanie"
"Drop it"
"He just wants a look"
"Drop it"
Why are you so selfish"
"Drop it"
"Oh isn't auntie a meanie"
Dead silence
"He's just a child"
"Drop it"

YANBU - I'd have real trouble with that sort of petty goading shit. The fact that your mother and sister allow it to go on just shows a total lack of respect for you, your belongings and your boundaries.

I couldn't be doing with it at all and would stop seeing them over it - apart from anything else, they'd be a SHOCKING example to my own children, and I wouldn't want that behaviour even attempted in my own home.

Criticising OP for "being shit at hiding things" when she had put her handbag out of reach on a high shelf was a low blow, and perilously close to victim blaming.

Thanks

I didn't dignify that poster with a response. She sounds exactly like the kind of parent that my sister is. Blame the person for not hiding their things well enough rather than telling her little treasures to cut it out and they cant have it.

I had a day off work a few weeks ago and spent a Friday afternoon taking them to a show after school. Just about to see a show. Lots to do. Children's show. Children's play areas there. Books, toys, other children to talk to as well as well as each other. I get a text about arrangements for meeting friend at weekend. Shooting a quick reply. 3 yo starts.

What are you doing on your phone.
Nothing
You're playing games aren't you?
No I'm not.
You are and I want to play.
Im not and you cant have the phone, it's mine.

Sulking. About to go into a show ffs and a nice play area and all he cared about was my phone. I think my sister sits on her phone all day and lets him do the same with screens.

You know just natural things like showing my sister a photo on my phone of some where I have been, the little one especially always pushes in and says let me see. He does anything he can to try get at my phone. Every time I do something with it.

I do wonder if he only wants it because he knows he cant have it. Things are always more attractive and special when you know you are not allowed it. But the hell of it his mums phone is a newer and shinier model than mine and all phones do the same fucking thing.

An earlier poster said do I have a nicer home than them: nope. They have more money than me and a far nicer home. So it isnt that. I dont get it.

entitled. Could your sis be a bit envious of your freedom. Some people who have children do regret having them when they realize the work that parenting involves. Could jealousy on your sisters part towards you be behind this.

As for your DM alienating the child without kids as your DM herself is getting older..............Tsk Tsk May not turn out to be a good move on her part

I think you've got it in a nutshell, OP, it's because you don't let him, and he's not used to that. And yes, it makes him want it all the more.

Just wondering, how much attention does your sister actually give him, if she's on her phone all day? Maybe that's why this is about?

The little bastards. I'd put them in time out, as you would your own child. And your sister needs to show you more respect!

I get your frustration but the real victims here are very young children who are being parented poorly. Given that you know that your phone is an object of fascination for them, I can't understand why you don't limit your use of it in their presence and as for your handbag, I think you are being irresponsible for keeping drugs in it that aren't in childproof packaging, especially when you know that inquisitive and undisciplined children are in the vicinity.

Your beef is with sister and your mother and if you really find it difficult being in the presence of your niece and nephew, then you should limit your contact with them.

This is who your sister and your mother are, handwringing won't change them or their behaviour.

YA NOT BU
Totally unacceptable behaviour on the part of your sister and mother. Just wrong, wrong, wrong!! And very irresponsible parenting-
What lesson is this teaching the children about life generally? That if they have no need to respect anyone's possessions ever? And can take without consequences? Breeding future shoplifters and possible burglars. Not even respecting the privacy of your handbag is quite degrading. I suggest next time you are at your sisters start going through all her private things and taking out what you want and see how she likes it. This is not just a bit of teasing this is well beyong that. It's a type of bullying. It would be good if you can enlist the support of a friend for when sister or mother do visit. Simply tell her that until she instills basic manners in her children they are not welcome.

I feel for you OP. My nephews are a few years younger and I can just about smell the same situation coming. Thankfully, I live in a different part of the country so it's unlikely they'd be in my house. But my mother is basically gifting them my stuff when I'm there (and not, she's let him absolutely destroy some old childhood treasures that he's too young for anyway) and both she and my sister will be patronising and do the 'don't be so mean, he's only three' thing if I remove it. And if it's something they consider frivolous, for I lead a less worthy life as I have not procreated, i.e. a good coat or a make-up item or something, it's worse. I do not want a toddler encouraged to make a mess of my good things and be told I'm being 'silly ' to prevent and protest. My mother lets them have whatever they want (I remember vividly a 'don't touch' rule when we were little) and my sister has very little respect for 'stuff' in general and thinks her children are Messiahs who have the rights to whatever they want.
I now usually visit my parents when theyaren't there and we keep in touch via whatsapp.

I agree with the bag alarm. And with the 'quiet concern' asking her why the kids don't understand 'no' yet, is there anything wrong that we can help you deal with? 😁

Omg, That wound me up just reading it. The kids sound a nightmare. Your sister will reap what she sows in a few years, The kids are still small and have no boundaries, wait until she has a couple of unruly teenagers on her hands, it will be a different story then. With regards to the situation now, I guess it depends on how much you value your relationship with your mum and your sister, if you're close and want to continue seeing them then you have no choice but to still go round there, but I certainly wouldn't cave into those little buggers. Continue to stand your ground with them and show them boundaries, you'll probably find your have a better relationship with them when their older than your sister and mum do.

"What are you doing on your phone.
Nothing
You're playing games aren't you?
No I'm not.
You are and I want to play.
Im not and you cant have the phone, it's mine.

Sulking. About to go into a show ffs and a nice play area and all he cared about was my phone. I think my sister sits on her phone all day and lets him do the same with screens. "

You know that is typical three year old behaviour though right?

I remember taking my highly volatile niece to a show at around the same age. She was a bloody nightmare and very much like that...although it was before the age of mobile phones.

She is 27 now and a teacher and a thoroughly nice person.

And yes....I suspect he is fascinated with the phone.

Why is your sister in the phone all day....is she struggling to parent or are there other issues you might not be aware of in the background?

You sound a nice auntie taking them out etc and although your posts suggest you don't much like them I am sure you love hem both. Just keep saying no when it's appropriate and stick to your guns.

And yes your sister should be saying no and no you shouldn't have to hide your stuff but the reality is that if you don't then you put it at risk. That's your decision in taking a bag into a situation where you know your nephew is fascinated with the phone and nobody tells him no. Personally I wouldn't risk it.

But my mother is basically gifting them my stuff when I'm there (and not, she's let him absolutely destroy some old childhood treasures that he's too young for anyway) and both she and my sister will be patronising and do the 'don't be so mean, he's only three' thing if I remove it.

I'd forgotten that but same here. They've been handed some old childhood stuff of mine and lost it as they were allowed to take it outside. And I get the grow up thing and they're only little.

Its interesting someone said it's bullying. I had a difficult relationship with them anyway before the children and now it almost feels as if the children are more ammunition to make my life difficult. Mum hands them what they like of mine and it's led to things being lost and broken.

You know that is typical three year old behaviour though right?

I very much doubt they behave like this everywhere. At friends houses I hardly think they are constantly demanding mobile phones off their friends mums on play dates and taking what they want in someone elses house. Its because im family and its because my own family have encouraged me to hand over my stuff in front of them that they think they're entitled and permitted to do it because of that.

I think you are being irresponsible for keeping drugs in it that aren't in childproof packaging

I think you've missed the point, Isetan

Some prescription meds have to be stored in their protective foil packaging, so shouldn't be transferred into plastic bottles. But even that's not the point. The OP is not the Mum. Unless the children have learning difficulties, they are old enough to be told a firm "No!" about going through other people's bags. They absolutely need to be taught to respect other people's belongings, and this is their Mother's responsibility. It's not the OP's job to have this battle every single time.

She's not leaving drugs loose in the presence of a baby or toddler. These are school and nursery age children. What are they going to do next if un-parented? Go down the Teacher's bag? Start raiding the till in shops?

Not exactly true, OP, it depends on the child. I remember that years ago we had friends staying with us, with their 7 and 3 year olds. (They have 4 children now! ) They've never given into their children at all but their 3 year old was just like your DNiece.

My DH has model trucks, which are not toys, but something he values. My friend was saying no all weekend to her DS, then just as they were leaving MH DH said he could have one. (This was pre kids lol.)

My friend groaned and said no way, my DH wouldn't be helping them, after she had been saying no all weekend.

So it's not just the parenting. My friend's DS had some behavioural challenges, he's now 16 and doing fine now, though. I saw him 2 years ago, and he was wonderful with my DDs.