To have finally had enough of this shit?

[entitledmuch1]

Posting under a name change just in case. But I have finally had enough of my sister and her children and my mum.

In short, they are allowed to do what they like. If they don't they whine. It is so totally scripted. They ask for something. Any hint of a no gets a long whine or a grizzle until they get given what they want.

My mum dealt with us as children that no meant no and that is it. But her "cute" grand-kids are allowed the most appalling behaviour for no reason.

A huge bugbear of mine is respect for my property which is never shown. I have banned them as being guests in my home as my sisters children are in my bedroom, my study, my bathroom cupboards, my fridge, my food cupboards, the lot. They take what they want. One of them took, stood on and damaged the screen of my tablet in my study. My sister sits and watches it and when I finally deal with them myself and shout at the children to stop what they are doing in my home, she sternly tells me not to be mean to them and she will deal them...but she doesn't. So I banned her from coming to my house but I still get it at hers and on family gatherings at my parents.

The little one in particular (they are 3 and 5) is particularly disrespectful of my things. My phone is a target for him and he has been trying to get it for about a year. He knows I wont let him have it and he tries everything to get it. He sits next to me when I need to use my phone, asks what I am doing, are you playing games, I want to play, etc. I just ignore him and put it away when I've finished.

But what drives me crazy is a few times I have caught him taking my handbag and going into it for my phone. The screen is passcode locked so he wouldnt be able to use it but he may break it. I have gone as far as putting my bag high on a shelf and they have climbed on chairs to try and get it. So it isn't me being careless. At 3.5 and nearly 6 they are old enough to understand they are not allowed my handbag and to respect that. They aren't babies.

There are also prescription drugs in my handbag. They are in foil blisters so not in child proof bottles. I need to take them during the day so they need to be in my bag. I finally let rip at my sister last time I caught the 3 year old with my bag and said to teach her children to keep out of my handbag and respect peoples property. She said they were doing no harm. I said there are prescription drugs in there and would she like to risk a hospital trip just because her kids wont leave my bag alone. My sister actually said I shouldn't carry my pills in my bag.......!

So I am not supposed to carry my pills that I need during the day in my own bag and I am just supposed to allow them to go in my handbag?

It has got to the point where her children are deliberately goading me every time they see me about this issue.

They see their mother and grandmother letting them do what they like and telling me to give them the things of mine that they want. Their mother tells me in front of them to let them have it and when I say no, they get annoyed. But because their mother tells me in front of them oh let them have it, they see it as a game now I think, seeing when I'll give in.

It is EVERY time I see them. There are certain things of mine they want and they KNOW I will not allow them to have but they try every time as their mother encourages me to hand my stuff over. I have to watch my things like a hawk as I know they dont respect things and will take without asking.

It is a horrible thing to say but I actually now cant stand being around the children. I dont actually want to see them anymore. In a way in it not their fault but their mother won't see sense and their behaviour is terrible.

WIBU to back off and just stop going to see them at all?

Have you posted about them before OP? This sounds familiar.

Unfortunately at their age they will still be learning about the world...a 6yr old is still liable to make silly decisions and whine.

Obviously giving in to the whining and moaning doesn't help but you have identified a problem here.

If they come to your house you child proof it by locking away anything they must t have...including your phone....out of sight and out of mind.

At your mother's house you come in keys only and divert all calls beforehand to your mother's house.

I know you shouldn't have to but these kids are still very very young despite one being nearly six...sadly that is not always old enough to understand. My son is autistic with ADHD and was a nightmare at this age....he certainly didn't understand the world and I thought I was a shit parent....I wasn't, I was doing my best in hard circumstances.

Not saying your niece/nephew have anything like that though, just saying that no matter what kids can be very hard work sometimes. I've known six year olds who are mini adults and super easy but I've also seen the other end of the spectrum too with six yr olds who are virtual unmanageable. Sometimes they have SEN, sometimes they have crap parenting and sometimes they are just immature.

My 3 year old cried and said he didn't want his birthday party last wk and sometimes throws gifts on the floor. 3 years olds are contrary beasts.

They're only contrary if you allow them to be. When DD was 3years old, she had few contrary moments but they were well nipped in the bud. I'm by no means a fan of military discipline and I know that children start their lives as selfish gits but teaching them respect towards others goes a long way to eliminate any inappropriate behaviour.

Do you drive? Could you lock your handbag in the car?

Or just go over without your handbag?

They're unlikely to change but if you still want to visit your mum, don't let this stop you.

Also, why are you going to your sister's house if this is the way they behave? Surely the kids are even worse in their own territory?

This sounds terrible OP and I feel for you!
100% take time away from them, no doubt about it!
Your sister hasn't taught them any discipline what so ever, she sounds extremely lazy!
My DC aren't angels but I definitely wouldn't sit there and give in to them and let them do what they want to other people's stuff.
If you want to carry the pills in your bag, then carry them in there OP!! Not your fault your sister is a crap mother to her DC

You initially said they 'stood on the tablet' but now you didn't see them do it?

It's hard OP - you obviously have a massive backstory here with how you've been treated, and technically yes - on paper you're in the right.

However, by your description - these kids have not been set boundaries, don't follow rules, so why on earth would you not completely remove the problem?

If you're at mums and they are imminent-hide your bag in a cupboard etc. By putting it on a high shelf you're only making it into more of a game for them to try and 'win' it.

Grandparents do indulge their GC - I've struggled with this but it's a fact of life. Don't project your existing issues onto the way they treat the kids though.

Fwiw - my exceptionally well behaved 3 year old would also sit next to you (as an auntie) asking to play a game on your phone if you were ignoring her and playing one. That in itself isn't feral - it's being 3.
One of the other DCs also horrified me by tossing aside a gift they'd been given straight after opening it. These things happen.
Before I had kids, I was judged about many small things that my friends would ignore with their children. I was all but they need to learn that they can't have everything.
Then I had my own. I realised it was actually easier to listen to Wheels on the fucking Bus 10 times in a row in the car rather than take turns etc to avoid squabbles.

You could be a really good influence for these children. Hide your bag and phone and play with them properly, you'd probably both love it. Try and keep it separate from your feelings towards DM and DS

Looks like you have three options, visit without the children, leave your bag in the car or stop seeing them altogether.

Do you have a good relationship with your mum aside from this?

I recently a week with friends and their two children - 1 and 3 yo. I'd leave my stuff lying around without a thought, as there was no way the children would have gone through my bags. If they had the parents would have been horrified! The wee one picked up my phone once or twice when it was lying within easy reach but that was my fault. Her brother didn't go near my things unless invited (ie he watched some programmes on my iPad once or twice, but that was it).

Have you tried discussing their behaviour with your mother, away from your sister?

I think there's other stuff going on here, mainly about your relationship with your mother and your sister.

Yuo sound extremely angry, with a deep anger. I'm not sure that's helping you. You're feeding the anger instead of doing anything practical to put an end to specific things that annoy you. That suggests that what is really bothering you is something other than whether a three year old gets into your bag, or mithers you while you're playing a game on your phone.

To be honest, why are you playing a game on your phone while your rellies are visiting you or you are at theirs? I'm guessing it's because they piss you off.

You sound almost as though you are jealous of the relationship your sister has with your mother but can't admit this because you need to believe you don't need that relationship yourself, so you're talking about the children instead. You seem to keep putting yourself into a situation of being around them, so that you can demonstrate to yourself how horrible they are to you, and how much you don't need them. That is not going to end well and is just going to cause you a lot of mental grief.

You need to take a step back from all of this. You clearly feel as though you spend too much time with them, on their terms rather than yours, and that you can't set your own boundaries with them.

You can. You're an adult. See them less, see them somewhere that you choose, for a period of time that you choose. If you miss them, arrange to see them more. If they still do your head in, see them less. Take some space to work out what you really need and ask for it. The worst that can happen is that you will be refused - but you will feel better for having articulated things to yourself.

I know you say your sister chooses her children's happiness over yours but a. why do you think she keeps visiting you? and b. what would you like her to do with her children when they are with you? Would you prefer her not to bring them at all? Why don't you arrange to see her without them?

I'm not blaming you. I hope my post doesn't sound as though I am. I know that families can be unequal in their distribution of love and affection. I just suspect there might be better ways for you to deal with this that will end up with you feeling happier.

Clandestino
Some children give way easier than others. Did you read the post upthread that some children of the same age get "no" the first time and others take a long time?

I get that ops dns are being encouraged by poor parenting. But simply saying you dealt with it, so why can't MrsKoala is not allowing for different developmental understanding and temperaments.

If you're not getting any pleasure out of seeing these people entitled, I'd give them a bit of a wide berth and see them less. I see you've posted before and I also remember a very similar post. Time for action. Nothing's changed now, has it? In fact it's getting worse.

They're only contrary if you allow them to be. When DD was 3years old, she had few contrary moments but they were well nipped in the bud.

Well you were lucky she was so easy to teach. For toddlers to get this they need a level of compliance. It's a 50/50 relationship. They have to meet you halfway. What if they don't. What if they just continue regardless of what you do? These threads are always full of smuggy smuggersons saying they are great parents but the reality is they are lucky parents that have had a compliant child.

This is what I find a bit odd about all of this.

The solution, if you're posting for a solution, is blindingly obvious: just see them less.

You don't need strangers on the internet to either tell you that or give you permission to do that.

However, the response you seem to want is a condemnation of your sister/mother, specifically of their parenting.

Now, we don't know your sister, or have seen her parenting. And parenting styles vary, and most are OK, frankly. So, it;s a strange thing to be posting for. That makes me think that your real issue with all of this is something else entirely.

I hope you get it sorted. Life is way too short to be going through it carrying a lot of unnecessary stress.

You have my sympathies OP I could have practically written this post but with a different relative. It's highly fucking annoying and just plain disrespectful on the part of your mum and sister. Watching with interest for advice but honestly I know how you feel

I have a toddler. She is intensely annoying about wanting my phone. She's not allowed it but it doesn't stop her asking eleventy billion times per day

When all is said and done, it's just stuff and I couldn't justify cutting off family over material possessions.

Leave the things at home that you know are going to cause problems and enjoy playing games with the kids and talking to them instead.

An accidental deliberate boot to the backside every time they're near your stuff? "Whoops Brat1 I didn't see you there! It must have been because you were too close to my bag!"

Second suggestion: small but aggressive handbag chihuahua?

I couldn't cope with this and after trying to tell them as you have you'll just have to not see her for a while nor your mum if she has the dc at that time.
Arrange to see your mum and sister when the kids aren't there and when she asks why you don't want to see the kids tell her the truth.
I feel sorry that your relationship with your niece and nephew has been spoiled because of bad parenting and grandparenting but there's nothing you can do.
Tell them when they raise and care for the children properly you would love to see them all.

You could always take too bags and put all manner of messy play stuff inside. glitter, sharpie markers, finger paints, slimy stuff, I'm sure you know the thing.
After refusing them and trying to hide the bag, being told to let them have it, finally give in

Can I just say the children are very young, and at that age would look for phones as much as possible etc (not through someone else's handbag)

I don't think you like them very much and to be fair children tend to pick up very quickly on negative energy and become more badly behaved!

If you still wish to see your sister you could arrange to see her on her own, or with the dc see them somewhere else that isn't your house. If you don't, that maybe your loss in the end, as once you distance yourself too much you may find no way back. It is your family, your choice.

Keep away from your family if that makes you happier, OP. Your issues are with your mother and your sister. Stop trying to make it about the toddlers. It isn't, and you know it.

You could be a really good influence for these children. Hide your bag and phone and play with them properly, you'd probably both love it. Try and keep it separate from your feelings towards DM and DS

I second this. You, your mum and your sister all sound like you're sitting around on your phones and not interacting with the kids (or each other really), no wonder they play up, it sounds incredibly dull for them. At 3 and 5 they are still very young, try playing with them and building a relationship with them instead of showing them that your phones are more important than actually spending time with real people.

Awww, don't be mean OP!!! They're only babies!

Seriously, stuff that! YANBU. Your sister and Mother are disrespectful.
The DC know the meaning of no.
Sit on your bag, go out of the room if you need your phone and continue
the ban at your house.

As an alternative to a previous poster's suggestion - if you want some fun to be mean- take them presents each time... tubs of glitter, gloopy paint and PLAYDH or moon sand. Get it out & give it to them when you arrive. Then sit back whilst they play unsupervised.

WIBU to back off and just stop going to see them at all?

no, ywnbu.

There's obviously more to this, judging by what you've said about posting previously, so I'm not going to comment further other than to say that when I started reading your OP I thought that the children were going to be much older.

Branleuse
^Im assuming you dont have much other experience of young children??
Not saying they are well behaved, but you sound a bit OTT about it.^

My DS has never acted like this, neither have my nieces and nephews (six of them so far) or my cousins children (eight between the three of them). But then they all have parents who step in when they're misbehaving.

Clandestino
Some children give way easier than others. Did you read the post upthread that some children of the same age get "no" the first time and others take a long time?

In all honesty, I am speaking from personal experience. I grew up in a toxic (and yeah I bloody well know what an overused term it has become) environment where my unmarried aunt decided I was the child she never had. She would cater for my every whim. She was a child psychologists but she only used her knowledge to manipulate our family so I was completely separated and attached to her. I was on a fast route to become an overentitled brat till I copped on on the family dynamics (my father was a gobshite who supported his family against my Mum).
I ended up using my knowledge of how children become overentitled to make sure my child, despite being an only one will never feel like it, even though she is getting enough.

You said in your opening comment that you have had enough of the situation. I think you know that the only solution is to spend less time in the company of your sisters children for a while.

Maybe temporarily you could spend time with just your mum or sister when the children are at school and nursery. If you only get to see them at weekends maybe you could see your mum or sister individually or arrange occasional adult only treats together such as afternoon tea / a day at the races / spa day / shopping trip to the nearest city -if your sister is able to get childcare.
Family gatherings might become more bearable if you only see the children occasionally.

Children are hard work at the best of times but young children that are not reprimanded when naughty or taught manners can be really annoying. Hopefully as the children get a bit older their behaviour will improve and you can enjoy being an Auntie.

Agree with other posters. You need to manage the situation. Either visit taking nothing with you. Or go with a play bag. Or a bag full of something uninteresting like your recycling waste.

I don't think this is serious enough to go NC though. They are obviously happy with the status quo and they don't take your concerns seriously. Which is crap. But still, it seems mean to use the heavily manipulative method of NC to make them listen to you.