For those in a highly stressful job

[cleanlaundry]

Is it unreasonable to expect the parent with a more stressful job (and possibly earns the most) to do their bit around the house and with the kids? I'm talking about both mums and dads who both work full time and same hours or similar hours, but whoever has the most stressful job or earns a lot more so takes on most of the expenditure.

I know winding down after a very hard day is important but at what point does your wind down time end and housework/kids become the next agenda in the evening if at all?

Making money or being stressed at work doesn't mean you don't need to be a good parent or a good partner. Helping out and doing 'chores' is a part of contributing to the family happiness and wellbeing. Yes they need to pull their weight.

Depends on the split, but yes, generally.

Start to look at it from the other angle - do both parents get the same amount of time to choose to do what they want (whether they choose to sleep / read / watch TV / play on their phone or MN or game / or have a hobby or go to the gym or go running or whatever. Include time during the day (say one gets a lunch hour or one reads the paper on the train or one sits down with a cuppa while baby naps or whatever), then start from there.

Of course it's reasonable. Life places a "base level" of demands on those with families and commitments. Obviously sometimes work is a priority. BUT if all other life isn't happening then something is very wrong. You have to live your life and that isn't just instagram moments or a payrise.

We both have stressful jobs, we share the housework equally but when one of us is going through an intense period at work the other one does more at home (even if we still do roughly the same hours at work)

If the high earning partner travels a lot, then the other partner will probably end up shouldering the burden of chores and childcare simply because they are not there to do it and when they come home, will be exhausted and want to re-connect with the children.

This is hard on the other partner but presumably the lifestyle is a perk.

We do the same as Uburu.

When dh had a stressful & well paid job and I didn't, we sort of spilt it fairly - I did half and he paid a cleaner to do his half. That was pre dc though.

I also think it's important to note earning more doesn't mean your job is more stressful. Sometime the person who earns less has more responsibility and stress in their job.

I work longer hours than DH in a more stressful role and I earn much more. The only one of those that justifies me doing less around the house are the hours I work. I am not physically present for as much time as DH so I can't do as much as he does.

The one caveat to that is I do like a couple of minutes when I get in to change out of my work stuff and switch into home mode before the onslaught of DC and homework.

How do you define or measure who has more stress, or works harder or is more tired... it's not a competition?

I think in general if everyone tries to pitch in to get the evening done and kids to bed, then you can both relax and have a bit of time together. Plus it's always nicer for oh to offer to bath the kids while you take a break, or vice versa, rather than having a grumpy debate about who 'deserves' to do less. I find after a busy work day, even when I'm knackered, I end up doing more with the kids as I've barely seen them all day and have actually missed them

I end up doing most of the midweek things, DP does his share at the weekend. He always unstacks the dishwasher though - I set it off so it is ready when he comes home. No DC yet - I imagine that would change things a lot. I can do a bit of work from home so it makes sense for me to do something like put on a load of laundry and then crack on with work, and I don't want him vacuuming at midnight. Just how our timings work.

I usually need 10-15 mins to switch from stress work mode to chilled home mode before the kids/wife demand my attention. But then the same goes for my wife too when she's had a tough day.

Same as Urubu.

We earn pretty equally, but I travel more out of the country. When I am around at home I try to do more - as a PP mentioned to reconnect and because I have missed the DC.

I would agree with cloudy, higher earning does not mean more stressful.

*necessarily mean more stressful

I think you can have a stressful job and channel your destressing into drying dishes or folding washing or kicking a footy at the park depending on what works for your family. You cannot checkout of family life because of your stressful job.

Long, stressful day at work then long commute home. I need some time to unwind at home (10/15 minutes) and I crack on with bedtime/cooking/washing up. My DH works from home and so does most of housework as I have long commute. It's generally a time issue, only. Not really to do with who earns more.

I have a very stressful job and am the major earner. I still do my share of the housework because my wife is my partner, not my skivvy . Besides, I find cooking, ironing, gardening and washing dishes actually rather therapeutic and relaxing.

Well, if you both work, it should be 50/50. Both parents are responsible for the children and both should, I hope, be interested in the upkeep of the home. Presumably, before kids , that was the case. I know many change after the birth of children but I am not sure why - especially if the work set up is unchanged .

I don't aee how income comes into it? Does that mean higher income=means worth more? Could lower paid partner then deduce that, since his /her job is not that important, he she could give up job that gets in the way of all the other responsibilities lumped on him or her due to lower pay and lower stress?

Ooh I was expecting the majority to say something along the lines of stressful job = minimal input at home or higher salary = minimal input at home. Glad that's not the case, and just to clarify I personally think housework and kids are both parents' responsibilities but just wanted some reassurance that I wasn't in a minority! And woah only 10/15mins to unwind?! My OH can take up to 1 hour and a half in the evening I barely get time to pee when I get through the door before DD clings on to me

No that's an unfair amount of time to unwind if it's every day! I have a mixture of hours and days/shifts. One particular shift is one of my favourites, as far as work satisfaction goes - but takes its toll due to length of time and stress levels. When I say it's very intense and stressful, it's often harrowing but worthwhile work that stays with you. My unwinding is on the journey home. Once I get in, I greet everyone and cuddle and kiss and ask a few questions, go up to quickly shower and change into pjs, and then come down and eat a small dinner that I'll make myself. They'll all have eaten already but we sit together and chat. I then read to them, even though they can read, but it's bonding and wind-down, and put them up to bed. DH also works varied hours and often from home. We just do what needs doing and don't leave the other hanging or holding the fort alone for longer than is fair. Both of us get well deserved rest and social life, and we don't take the piss. If he's worked and then had them from 3:20, and I get in at 6, I am tired of course, but he's due a break too!

I think if your partner has a stressful job, you should do more than your 'fair' share, because your partner's mental health may be poor as a result of the stress. But that isn't a sustainable arrangement - you can only 'do more' if the agreement is for your partner to actively look for a less stressful job and go back to chipping in equally upon moving.

If the stressful job is permanently stressful - you need to evaluate whether it's worth the partner keeping that job and paying for domestic help to ease the burden. Otherwise, if you run around doing extra forever, your own mental health will eventually reach breaking point! Both parents should be happy, because the DC will pick up on this.

@mygorgeousmilo yeah I thought the journey home would be a good time to unwind but it's rush hour on a busy London tube with no wifi in the tunnels so not much unwinding can happen

@pringlecat that's some sound advice, never looked at it that way!

A friend of mine actively encourages her dh to stop at the pub/go to the gym for an hour only after work. She wants him as soon as he steps through the door to be 'ready' for whatever.

My husband is a SAHD and I work full time for the whole household income. My job is pretty stressful. Dealing with LO is my wind down. I work from home and hubby 8:30am - 5pm (and sometimes evenings after kid is in bed or early mornings and I travel and sometimes I do Asia meetings in the middle of the night). At 5:01pm or earlier if I can I find LO and we make tea together and have a chat. It is a good wind down. We all eat as a family and she and I do some playing and what not after tea. Hubby clears away dinner stuff. I do bath and bed time. He and I share chores. He does the bulk of it because I am working but this morning I put out a load of laundry whilst the kettle was boiling and made the beds after he left to take LO to school. Yesterday I did the weekly shop in my lunch break. Sometimes I hoover or dust if I need to not look at my screen for 10 mins. Ok - right now I am doing this but I am on a call not listening to what is being said at the same time!!

Edited to add - I don't do much coming home off a red eye plane. I normally get a sleep in the morning and do school pick up to enjoy seeing LO but hubby would normally feed us on those days and likely do kiddy bed. However UK or EU travel doesn't change much at home. I get in and pick up the kiddy care..