For those in a highly stressful job

[cleanlaundry]

Is it unreasonable to expect the parent with a more stressful job (and possibly earns the most) to do their bit around the house and with the kids? I'm talking about both mums and dads who both work full time and same hours or similar hours, but whoever has the most stressful job or earns a lot more so takes on most of the expenditure.

I know winding down after a very hard day is important but at what point does your wind down time end and housework/kids become the next agenda in the evening if at all?

Yes but rush hour or no, you're not using your brain or doing anything for anyone, that is what I would consider some form of a wind-down. The point is, if you have no family waiting for you, then you can tell yourself that the commute is crappy, and you need an hour and a half to wind down once you get home. Literally do what you like. If you have family at home, you have to force yourself to be a part of it, otherwise what's the point? I don't have a joyful return journey after said stressful day, but I listen to an audiobook or podcast, as i don't think it's fair on my DH for me to get in and then zone out to unwind. Quick change, cuppa, what have you, and then back to being part of the family. As much as I would love to disappear upstairs for an hour and a half and watch Netflix whilst having a hot bath in bloody essential oils, I don't see how it's fair to do that during the precious time we all have together as a family, leaving the other half of the couple to do all the domestics alone. Recipe for resentment IMO.

I work in a fairly easy office job, 40 hours a week. round the corner. Leave home at 730, home before 5.

DP has his own business, works very long hours and is always stressed and often out the house until much later.

So I do all the housework and house stuff. I think it's only fair and I feel like I am doing my share a bit more.

@Danceswithwarthogs

How do you define or measure who has more stress, or works harder or is more tired... it's not a competition?

In our case DH works longer hours for less pay in a job that he hates and that is more physical than my job and involves dealing with members of the public and often misses out on his breaks.

He's definitely more tired and stressed than me.

I earn a lot more than my DH and travel a lot with work so when I'm not there, he does the childcare (we have a nanny in the daytime). We have a cleaner once a week and I can't be arsed ironing anything. I am not a foodie, DH likes cooking, I eat microwave meals or frozen food most of the time. I get approximately 3 seconds down time when I get home because my DD hears the door go and throws herself at me and then won't let me out of her sight or let DH do anything for her when I'm there. So between that and trying to give my DS some attention without DD pushing in, evenings, when I'm home, are knackering all round. But I wouldn't have it any other way, few years time and they won't want me or acknowledge when I'm home, it's not forever. I have colleagues at work who deliberately stay late in the office so that they will miss bedtime. They are mostly (all) men.

My DH and I both have stressful jobs but I work longer hours. I get paid slightly more. We pay other people to sh1t things we dont want to (eg cleaning) so that we don't have this type of petty argument.

And we still bicker because both of us feel as though we are hard done by.

I suggest if one of you earns enough and is in a stressful job, outsource as much of this crap as you can afford to do.

And I am requiring him to take 3 months leave to look after our (as yet unborn) baby, because he is 50% responsible for it.

@Captainj1 sounds like my DD! Although my job isn't as stressful, but my commute is longer and DD clings to me the minute I open the door and won't go to her dad so I feel more physically exhausted while he feels more mentally exhausted

Stressful jobs don't get you out of parental or household duties, especially not if your partner is working the same number of hours.

What if you both had stressful jobs? Would the children just have to fend for themselves in the evenings and scavenge in the garden for dinner?