Parental Access to 13 year olds iPad.

[NameWithChange]

Hi all, just that really, AIBU to have the passcode/access to 13 year old DS's iPad?

His father thinks we should have full access whenever we want/need. I am on the fence and can see my teen wants some privacy. I have just found out that he has now changed the password so we no longer have access and this is going to come to a head.

What does everyone else do?

Too much danger online not to have full access. It won't go down well but they'll get over it.

Yep. Need access. They need to know you will be keeping an eye.

May be teens, but still children. Grooming, sexting, porn, bullying.

We had access.
Would you let your 13yo go somewhere random and chat with anyone and everyone he came into contact with without knowing who the hell they were? Would you expect him to have an adult level of maturity not to be led astray in any way shape or form?

No?

Then don't give him free rein on the internet either.

yes, I would expect to be able to access a 13 year old's ipad or phone. Why do they need privacy on these exactly? Not as if it was a personal diary.

Yep, you should have access

As a geek, I know every single keypress my children make. Why wouldn't you?

Absolutely you should have access. Don't take no for an answer. And check, check and check again.

I did have access - it was the original agreement with him when he got it 2 years ago. Just discovered he has changed it and he is now saying he can't trust me for trying to access. I just wanted to be sure of my position before I enter the teenage battleground.

In this house it would be full access or no iPad

Refer him to the original agreement, and when exactly did he think that that had changed?

Definitely access at 13 and you should be keeping close tabs on what sites he's visiting and any chat room stuff.
You are responsible for keeping him safe at this age, not randomers on the internet.
I'm struggling to believe you think his need for privacy trumps his safety online?
Sorry OP, but you seem very naive in these matters. Maybe you need to attend some internet safety courses?

I don’t go on my teens devices. Purely because I trust them, they’ve told me when things have happened in the past (either rl or one online incident when there was a horrible Instagram account going about.) I think teenagers are entitled to privacy but it can be tricky online.

It's full access or no wifi or other gadgets here.

At 13, password or no iPad. No need to inspect everyday, but you reserve the right to do if required.

Full password or no iPad. I also monitor usage via an App that gives me reports of sites accessed and App usage. When they pay for their own ipads, phones and broadband then they can have privacy.

i'm afraid at 13 he can want all the privacy in the world but i'd not be giving it. and fact that he has changed the passcode to lock you out would be a red flag. it would be full access or no iPad in this house too! that would go for smart phones and all internet devices too!

I'd want access just for my peace of mind. I may not ever look but I'd be concerned at the being told I wasn't allowed access especially as it's more for their security!

He's changed it because he can't trust you? Who is the parent?

I don't access 18yos stuff anymore obviously, but the two 14yos know that no access means no devices. I don't check often (hardly ever for one of them and slightly more frequently for the other).

It's not up to children to decide when they should have full privacy on the internet imo.

He's changed it because he can't trust you? Who is the parent?

I don't access 18yos stuff anymore obviously, but the two 14yos know that no access means no devices. I don't check often (hardly ever for one of them and slightly more frequently for the other).

It's not up to children to decide when they should have full privacy on the internet imo.

I didn't ever think it was up to him to decide - I just wondered what others did. He has always been open and honest before and whenever I have checked there has been nothing to worry about. He is as savy as me online (if not more so) and we have always discussed dangers and talked through scenarios - that isn't to say he should be unsupervised online - I just wondered what others did/do.

I have already attended courses via my work and I am well aware of some of the dangers, up until now I have checked regularly and we have both discussed and been open and honest.

I imagine he has changed the code as a little flex of his teenage muscles and checking the boundaries.

There is a reason he has changed the password. Probably puberty? And probably porn. The problem is that savvy teens know how to cover their tracks. You need to have the porn discussion

I don’t go on my teens devices. Purely because I trust them,

I have a friend who trusted her 15 year old dd. Never checked. Then discovered, totally accidentally when she picked up her dd's phone, that her dd had been groomed and had been in a sexual relationship with a man 20 years older than her for 12 months.
He is now in prison. Her dd is suicidal. Their marriage is on the rocks - her and her dh blaming each other for not checking.

I trusted both my children but I didn't trust others on the internet so I kept access to all devices and social media accounts until their 16th birthdays. The first thing they both did was change their passwords but that was to be expected.

I think we all know why a 13-year-old boy might want to suddenly stop his mum seeing what he might be viewing/downloading on his iPad...

I do think you need parental access to his iPad, yes. I absolutely do think that kids need privacy, but that privacy is things like not reading their diaries or going through their drawers/cupboards, making sure you knock before you go in their room, not eavesdropping on their phone calls etc. I don't you can safely extend it to not monitoring online activity, particularly social media.