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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with flakey friend?

65 replies

Jellybeans90 · 11/09/2017 15:55

I've been friends with her since school but lost contact for a few years, as I went abroad to live and studying etc. We started to text again and arranged to go to the pub one night, which was lovely and really enjoyed it. She's a newly qualified teacher so she said we can meet again before she starts her job. So, I texted her a few times asking to meet and she was always 'busy setting up the classrooms' or 'at school'.

I only wanted to meet up for 1 evening, not all day. And told her this. This weekend, we arranged to go to the pub, then it came to Saturday so I text 'are we still going?' then she said 'I'm just taking a shower'..So, it gets to 6pm and hear nothing from her. So, I say 'are we still going?' and she says 'no, sorry got too much on for school'

I get that being a teacher is hard work, but AIBU to be pissed off at her flakey, unreliable behaviour?

OP posts:

Original poster

Jellybeans90 · 11/09/2017 16:16

I think I'll just back off a bit and wait for her to contact me now. But I'm still annoyed at her behaviour on Saturday

OP posts:

RachelP247 · 11/09/2017 16:19

I agree with both Branleuse and ChicRock - Sounds like you think you had a better time with her than you actually did - she's clearly not interested in rekindling the friendship on the same level that you do and you keep banging on in texts about meeting up is only going to do the opposite of persuading her to meet up actually.

It's quite needy behavior on your part and if she has just started a new job she will be feeling the pressure of both that and this from you. Leave her be a bit, if she wants your friendship she'll come back; but she won't if you keep hounding her to.

RachelP247 · 11/09/2017 16:19

Her behavior on Saturday was shockingly shit though...

Original poster

Jellybeans90 · 11/09/2017 16:22

Ok, don't worry I'm not contacting her first now. I don't think I was hounding her, i just like people to be up front and not be a let down

OP posts:

MrsTWH · 11/09/2017 16:24

YANBU... she was rude and should have communicated with you properly. However, being a teacher, especially a newly qualified one, is hard work and stressful and takes over your life. So it may well be that she does want to see you but is snowed under right now. I would let her come to you now and see if she suggests meeting up again.

Original poster

Jellybeans90 · 11/09/2017 16:28

Yeah and I completely get her job situation but it was still rude and hurt me

OP posts:

TheBananaStand2 · 11/09/2017 16:29

I don't think you should assume she doesn't want to be friends. I've got lots of teacher friends who almost disappeared in the first year of the job and cancel plans we've made. I understand that first year's stressful in ways that the rest of us can't fathom, and your friend is probably feeling guilty about saying 'no' all the time, probably really does want to meet up when she says 'yes', and is probably feeling a bit down about cancelling, hence her reluctance to do it until the very last minute. Maybe there's extra guilt because you've only just become friends again and she doesn't want to disappoint you by saying 'i'm completely snowed under for the next 2 months'. Not a great way of dealing with things, but definitely have had this with friends who are under extreme stress and work pressure. I'd hold out and just be supportive, and try not to take it personally. xx

TheOldCow · 11/09/2017 16:32

YANBU - she was really rude and thoughtless. If she didn't want to meet up she should just tell you that she's busy. Leaving it to the very last minute is obnoxious.

sonjadog · 11/09/2017 16:33

She should have texted you earlier on Saturday, and it was rude that she didn´t. But don´t write off the whole friendship yet. The first year of teaching is exhausting and all-engulfing. You do pretty much just work for the first year. Leave it until after Christmas and ask again, or what until she takes contact.

TimingIsEverything · 11/09/2017 16:35

Did she even apologise for leaving you in the lurch at the last minute on a Saturday night?

I'd have written the "friendship" off there and then if not.

silkpyjamasallday · 11/09/2017 16:36

Ugh YANBU OP, I can deal with people cancelling if they bloody let you know asap, leaving people hanging is not on. I don't think it's 'needy' to text about plans that have been made, maybe if you were sending hundreds, but you weren't, you were just trying to confirm whether it was happening or not. It's pretty shitty of your friend to treat you like this no matter how busy she is.

My former 'best friend' moved to Australia last year, so I haven't seen her since I had DD, she was back in the UK for three months, she seemed very keen to meet up, I said she could stay with us anytime as I'm a SAHM, or I could travel to London to meet her anytime with dd. She kept intermittently texting saying she would check and text dates she was free, then I got nothing for a while. Then I see on Instagram she has flown back to Aus without saying anything. I messaged saying it was a shame we didn't get to meet up, and asked when she would next be back in the UK. This was weeks ago and I've had nothing back, but she has been super active on Instagram. I've never had many close friends and I really value the ones I have had, it is such a kick in the teeth when it's clear they can't be bothered to even be courteous. Sorry for hijacking - I needed to get that out

dolcezza99 · 11/09/2017 16:36

But why did she say that we could meet up again. That's the part I don't get at all.

Have you never said something like "well this was lovely, we must do it again sometime!" because it's the polite thing to say at the end of a meeting? She's hardly going to say "Well, I didn't enjoy this at all". I suspect she was just being polite.

That said it is the start of term and a very busy time for teachers.

Gemini69 · 11/09/2017 16:36

the Lassie's busy OP.. stop hassling her

Idontevencareanymore · 11/09/2017 16:37

Nope. If she's busy then she should either stop making dates or give you polite notice rather than an hour before.

Op I'd cut my losses with this. You will make other friends.

Original poster

Jellybeans90 · 11/09/2017 16:40

Sorry if I'm over reacting, or coming across as needy. I just feel a bit let down, if she just said that she was busy then I would have understood

OP posts:

Tatiana1986 · 11/09/2017 16:42

OP, I see how this is frustrating for you. However, as an NQT myself I can promise you she's not doing it out of flakiness.
The demands of the are incredible. She'll be trying to please sooo many people besides the actual pupils. It is very very intense and every minute counts. Just don't give up on yout friend, contact her again in half term.

Tatiana1986 · 11/09/2017 16:43

The demands of the JOB, obvs

dolcezza99 · 11/09/2017 16:44

if she just said that she was busy then I would have understood

But OP, she did tell you she was busy, several times:

So, I texted her a few times asking to meet and she was always 'busy setting up the classrooms' or 'at school'.

and clearly you didn't understand, because you still didn't take no for an answer. She probably agreed to meet you just to stop the barrage! You are coming across as very needy and clingy, yes.

Original poster

Jellybeans90 · 11/09/2017 16:45

But would an NQT be constantly busy during the school holidays?

OP posts:

ViserionTheDragon · 11/09/2017 16:46

Well, you have been let down, and she let you down at the last minute on a Saturday night! No need to apologise. If she wants to see you again, let her be the one to make contact first. In the meantime, go out and enjoy yourself with your other friends.

dolcezza99 · 11/09/2017 16:47

OP, whether she was busy during the holidays or not, she told you she was too busy too meet up every time you contacted her. You should have heeded that. Even on this thread you're refusing to take no for an answer, so I can't imagine how trying that must have been in real life for her!

Give the girl a break. She's either not that into you or she's too busy to meet up, neither of which you seem to be able to accept.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 11/09/2017 16:48

Being a very busy NQT doesn't excuse rudeness.
If she had time to text "I'm having a shower" she had time to text "I'm so sorry, I'll have to cancel this evening".

Leave the ball in her court. If she contacts you and apologises then she has redeemed herself.
Bear in mind though that your friendship will probably always continue in the same vein.

StoatofDisarray · 11/09/2017 16:49

She's just not that into you.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/09/2017 16:50

No excuse for rude impolite behaviour. Like others have said, I'd you hadent texted, she would not have shown up and left you there. Don't bother with her again.

dolcezza99 · 11/09/2017 17:04

No excuse for rude impolite behaviour.

Agree with that but it sounds like the OP really couldn't take no for an answer.

I'm imagining the reverse of this, where the friend posts that someone she met up with for a drink keeps hassling her to meet up again and despite her repeatedly telling this person she was busy she wouldn't back off, and now she's agreed to meet up with her for a quiet life and doesn't know how to get out of it, and, and, and. You see that kind of post every day when someone's really pushy about meeting.

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