Birthday and xmas present spending.

[creamcheeseandlox]

This is a issue that comes up year after year.
I have two dc 8&6. Sister in law on dh side has one dd 7yr. They live about 2.5hrs away so for dc presents we always do amazon order to their houses. We have a limit of £15 a child...BUT she seems to think that as she has one child and I have two I should either spend £25+ on her dd or I should bring the cost down of the gifts for my dc to equal £15 in total so £6-7 each inc postage which is quite hard to find on Amazon. We both choose gifts and send the link to each other.

This is more an issue at Christmas where we do a combined order so my dc get approx £25+ spent on them and get dd £15. Every year it comes up and I try and fight my corner by saying that why should I spend the same amount on her one child than both mine get spent on? It's such a trivial thing and I hate rowing over it but sis in law always makes it a big deal so get dd doesn't get a hard deal!! I'm already dreading it for this year. AIBU?

Yanbu. I set our budget per child in family so everyone has same spent on them. I have 2 and my family do same. When my sister has second I will spend exactly the same on that child as I do the others. If a family member had 5 I would still spend the same on all of the children

Makes me think back to when my sil turned up and announced she wouldn't be buying for my dc now I had 3(she had 2)as it was ridiculous. . When the dc were sat there!!
Stopped altogether and left dh to write the cards. .

I don't know

I know what you mean about each child getting the same but I can see it also being annoying for a parent of an only child to always be spending double. If she had 4 children would you be happy to spend £60 on them when she spends £30 on your children?

When we have Christmas parties here for large groups of friends we all bring a gift per child that comes to the party and then hand them out so each child get one - i.e. The way your sister wants to do things. But with close family I buy what I want so your way..

I'm afraid I don't really get all this demanding and regimented present buying. Someone buys for my family members what they freely choose and want to give (sometimes with a hint if requested), spend however much they want and it's gratefully received (even if charity shopped down the line!). Otherwise doesn't it defeat the whole spirit and purpose of presents? I couldn't imagine arguing with my sil over how much we'd spent on eachother's children.

Your SIL is being ridiculous and forgetting about the point in gift-giving.

As it seems to all boil down to money for her, she should send each child an Amazon gift e-voucher for £15 and you send her £30 in return. It really is that crude, and means that everyone's a winner, esp Amazon. Except it doesn't teach kids about the joys of giving, only receiving.

My dp has 1, his sister has 2, they get the same (although his sister does sometimes buy a tiny bit more) but we limit to £20 per kid.

I know what you mean about each child getting the same but I can see it also being annoying for a parent of an only child to always be spending double. If she had 4 children would you be happy to spend £60 on them when she spends £30 on your children?

I agree. The costs can really add up.

Tell her not to bother and that your kids aren't too bothered about her presents anyway.
But say I will still be sending a gift for DN.
Better yet, if it's your husbands sister let him deal with it.

My sister has no children. I have 1. DH has 3 brothers who have between 1 and 3 children each.

My sister buys thoughtful gifts for DD, not just for birthday and Xmas. None of DH's family get her anything and we don't buy for them. It's gorgeously simple.

As they are getting that bit older, what about getting a family present they can share- a board game or DVD?

I have a set amount I spend on each person (which depends on how I know them e.g., nephew/niece get more than friends children). I wouldn't split the cost between children just because there is more of them. I have 4 nieces/newphews. They get £20 each. Friends get £15 each.
Kids don't pick if they have siblings or not.

ugh, I hate this transactional attitude towards present-giving.
Surely she is free to adjust her spending downwards if it really bothers her?

BIL is childfree and earns well. Each year he spends generously on presents for DH, the DC and I, and we get him a single present in return, probably spending only half what he spends on us. We've suggested that he has no need to get anything for DH or for me, but he likes to. No way would I feel guilt tripped into trying to match his spending.

My response would be to stop buying presents for nieces and nephews altogether and buy my dc a board game or something with the money saved. It seems more like a business transaction than a gift with the set up you have.

I'm an only child and my auntie has 2 children. In our family we buy children gifts until they are 18 so I always joke they should have bought for me until I was 36 to make it fair. That was an uncomfortable silence when I said that to them at our last gathering the lack of sense of humour on that side of the family is the reason I only see them at weddings and funerals

I've always been conscious that as I have three and my DBro has two, there's an imbalance, but we don't ever talk about it. My DBro and SIL buy presents at Christmas and birthdays for their teenage niece and nephews because they want to (they are buying for THEIR niece and nephews, not MY children), and anyway I'm usually over generous back to my niece and nephew because I want to be and because they're lovely young people.

I would drop the Amazon bit and simply buy a gift of your own choosing. I can't bear all this petty falling out over cash and presents. I would also consider giving the gifts when you next see one another over the Christmas period unless they live far, far away.

In other words, do your own thing and stop asking SIL. Fine, stick to a nominal budget but stop discussing it.

We decided to stop this all together, we just do cards. Makes it all much easier, birthdays and Christmas adults and kids. No one is offended.

Agree with Lou573, what the hell is the point in gift giving if it's so transactional? All of this 'I spent this so you need to spend this' completely destroys the spirit of giving them. As far as I'm concerned if someone buys me a gift then it's a lovely gesture I appreciate whether it's a homemade one that cost a pound or more expensive. It's not a gift if there are strings or expectations attached to it.

I'd tell your SIL you should both buy what you feel appropriate and stop sharing how much it all costs. Buy within your budget something you think they'll like. Remember this is meant to be gifts for the kids, not each other!

So incredibly petty.

Take a step back, if child gift giving has turned into point scoring then what's the bloody point.

There's no right or wrong here but if a a compromise is to be had, both parties have to be willing.

Hi, I've just signed up on mumsnet, I was looking for Christmas shopping inspiration and stumbled across this thread.

I LOVE Christmas, all of it, buying, wrapping, distributing, the parties and time spent with family and friends and my kids faces on Christmas morning.

I have 2 kids, SIL has 2 and BIL has 3 we also buy for another family member who has 5 and set amounts of spending has never been an issue.

One of my friends who has five started being more thrifty with my kids one year and I just adjusted the budget the following year to bring it in line. It suits me to be honest, it used to be around £20 per child now its a fiver. The fact that it costs me more than she spends is irrelevant and our friendship is worth more to me than to give it a second thought.

I don't understand, the whole point of Christmas to me is family, pure and simple so in no way would I want to be falling out with family over £15. My advice would be to tell sil to have another baby - possibly a bit extreme but it was her choice to only have one!

Failing that tell her to buy whatever she sees fit for her kid and stick your name on tag and you'll do the same for yours - problem solved!

My sister had three children before I had my one DS. Of course I spend more money on her family as I am lucky to have three DN that I love. I didn't reduce my love to share between them so why would I do the same with gifts.
I would suggest buying a 'family' present each of you are going to argue over it. Life's too short.

It's my dh brothers wife. My dh hates all the animosity it causes and he stays out of it as he and his brother think it's ridiculous. So it's left down to me and sis in law to sort.

I don't see this as an issue. If your SIL wants to spend the same amount on your DC as you do on her only child, surely she can spend £7.50 on each child? There are plenty of decent children's books within budget on Amazon. Are you happy with that?

You should leave your DH & his brother to sort out presents for their side of the family.

Ugh, it's this sort of king that makes Christmas stressful not fun. I find it hard though, in my group of friends (no family have DC except me) each of my friends have three children. That's twelve kids I have to buy for. I have one DS.

I have suggested that we stop buying for them all and do a little Xmas get together/party/lunch thing together one day for them all in the local child friendly pub (will be way cheaper and they all get so many presents anyway) but was met with lots of disapproval. I can't afford to buy lots for 12 kids so each of them will now get a smaller gift from us.