Birthday and xmas present spending.

[creamcheeseandlox]

This is a issue that comes up year after year.
I have two dc 8&6. Sister in law on dh side has one dd 7yr. They live about 2.5hrs away so for dc presents we always do amazon order to their houses. We have a limit of £15 a child...BUT she seems to think that as she has one child and I have two I should either spend £25+ on her dd or I should bring the cost down of the gifts for my dc to equal £15 in total so £6-7 each inc postage which is quite hard to find on Amazon. We both choose gifts and send the link to each other.

This is more an issue at Christmas where we do a combined order so my dc get approx £25+ spent on them and get dd £15. Every year it comes up and I try and fight my corner by saying that why should I spend the same amount on her one child than both mine get spent on? It's such a trivial thing and I hate rowing over it but sis in law always makes it a big deal so get dd doesn't get a hard deal!! I'm already dreading it for this year. AIBU?

Why not do a secret santa type thing at xmas for the kids so they all give another child a present, that way every child gets the same number of presents and the same amount spent on them

We have 9 children on my DHs side with some with 3 children and some with 1 so it's the only fair way to do it

In our family we give what we can afford to give. Whether it costs £5 or £50 everything is greatly appreciated and received with thanks. Regardless of how many children you have, each households budget will be different.
I really don't get all of this keeping score of how many presents and how much they cost. It really sucks the fun out of Christmas.
You buy what you can afford, SIL buys according to what she can afford. Everyone is thankful. It's that simple.

Thanks for all your replies. There seems to be a mixture of views which are all interesting. I'm thinking maybe it's best just to either buy something myself and stick a tag on it from them or let het choose something off her own back then she can spend how much she wants and I'll do the same.

Tell her your DH is dealing with presents for his side of the family this year, and leave him to get on with it.

Fair enough have a spending limit if there's a risk of someone getting carried away and overspending which can sometime cause embarrassment or an obligation to spend more next year..... but this idea about agreeing spending and knowing what someone spent.... doesn't that just take all the pleasure out of it?? Might as well just keep your own respective money and do your own amazon orders.

Online ordering partly to blame as everyone knows instantly what someone spent. I tend to pick up bits through the year, sometimes in sales and try to get something a bit special, home made or unusual even if it's small. As long as the siblings in the same family get something roughly similar to open, I don't worry too much about the bottom line. Most kids in this country get far too much anyway and some families impoverish themselves trying to afford it.

Maybe if it comes up, say that you are happy to continue with what you currently spend but she can do what she feels is right...

Or get her child a similar, smaller gift and spend the difference on a charity gift (eg school supplies for a refugee child) to make a subtle point about expecitation and generosity

Baxterstockboy - what a super way of putting it

As a mother of 1 and my DH family have 5 between the two I find it very frustrating as we spend 5 times as much as them twice a year. I wouldn't mind so much if they put thought into the gifts (and factored postage into there limit) but we get duplicated tat that is £10 at best. They also refused to buy us gifts as soon as we had children to - as they don't buy for adults. I really think it's the thought that counts and buying something off list that a child is interested in is more important

I'm afraid I don't really get all this demanding and regimented present buying.

^
this.

If we had a hint of this I would stop buying gifts altogether. It drains every ounce of joy and point out of it. What if she knows your dc LOVE a certain thing, but shes not going to get it because she is resentful over the amount spent on your dd already and its 10p over the budget and same for you????

You see something her dd would love, but no its over limit.

I can't get my head around it.

I just cant do xmas with such people.

Knock lists on the head. You just need to know that the kids like turtles / crafting / board games / Lego / Batman and choose a gift accordingly. I have a low £ limit and a million nieces and nephews (including steps) - the big ones get vouchers so clearly £10 but I don't specify how much I spend on the little ones. One aunty spends nearer£25 on my kids, but only has a few nieces and nephews. And she chooses to. It isn't compulsory!

Talk about taking the joy out of gift giving!

I cannot believe that this 'setting a budget' is a thing, have people never heard of not giving to recieve?

Especially when it relates to buying gifts for children at Christmas, which to me are the best gifts to give as they are so excited and, in my family, very grateful regardless of what the gift is.

I hate it when people send me links to things they want you to buy for their kids. Fine to make a suggestion but this kind of expectation sucks the joy out of present giving.

What's wrong with buying presents, wrapping and posting them yourself, rather than using Amazon to do it all for you and leaving yourself open to snooty SIL checking up on prices? I hate Amazon, I'd be really unimpressed with someone shopping this way. It's so un personal.

Wow. Merry bloody Christmas eh? What a miserable attitude. I'm another one a bit confused about why your dh and his brother get to wash their hands of this- is it the usual thing of them assuming the vagina has magical present-organising properties?

I'd let them deal with it. Alternatively stop doing presents entirely. This grasping attitude would put me off and take the joy out of the whole thing.

My SIL does my head in (dps brothers wife), it started with her sending links, then instructing which gift card, and now she says "the kids don't use the cards, they want cash". The "kids" are all in their 20's and I feel that £20 in a card is a bit patronising when they all have decent enough jobs...

My side of the family- I gave my dn £40 (£10 each for her 4 kids). She gave me back £5 each for my two. I try not to lose sleep over it as I just want the kids to be happy.

You (and your SIL) need to bat this one straight back to your respective husbands. They get to "stay out of it" while the women are seen to be making some kind of issue out of it. Sod that for a game of soldiers, they are the brothers, let them buy presents for each others' kids, or not!

Every year I have a Christmas buffet the week before for all the family. Presents and spending became messy, so what we agreed is that I would be sent £20 for every child attending by their parents, I add the same in for mine. I buy and wrap the gifts in a pile at the bottom of the tree, they all get something of the same value and it doesn't go over the top price wise for any family.

Could you do something similar?

FlyingGiraffe

Agree entirely