to get annoyed with MIL constantly talking about DN.

[rebeccaisarabbit]

SIL spent the first few years of her DS's life living with MIL, and now MIL looks after him a few days a week while she works (she has moved out now). They are very close and MIL goes to his school plays, fetes etc. This doesn't bother me or DH as we tend to do these things and just give an open invitation to both grandparents if theyd like to come.

MIL doesn't see a lot of our two DC as between her work, new partner and having DN she is quite busy, but once a month or couple of months she will 'pop' in and see them for lunch or dinner.

These times she spend the whole time talking about DN. My DD will say nanny can you read me this book and she will say oh I like this DN has this its his favourite. TV shows come on and she will say oh this is DNs favourite programme do you like this too? Etc etc. Barely an hour passes before is brought up and when the DC are playing she will go on and on about her DD's troubles with DN at school or similar.

It drives me nuts!!

My in laws were ( and can still be) like that. I snapped once and things got better. We have limited contact, made less effort and they have been fairer since..

I can kind of understand your irritation, but if she spends a lot of time with him then it's only natural she's going to talk about him.

I can totally see she would talk about him given they spend a lot of time together but I just feel like why cant her time with my DCs be 'their' time. They don't get much time with her as it is and I just wish it wouldn't always be tainted by what DN is doing and that she could just even pretend it is the first time shes seen the book for example.

Do your kids see DN? I wonder if she's just trying to keep them linked in her own way?

Yes they do see DN, DH also has a brother with two DCs who we see less of as they live a fair distance away yet they are rarely brought up in conversation unless it is relevant.

My mum does this with my kids and my brothers' kids. She does it both ways, I've found out from dbro and dsil. For logistical reasons the 2 sets of cousins don't see much of each other. I think telling them about what the other set has done is her way of strengthening their bond.
I'm fairly sure my mum's intentions are good, because she is very lovely. Can't speak for your mil of course!

My MIL was like that. No time interest in my kids but her own daughter's son was the reincarnation of JC. It was all what he could do, had eaten, constant photos yet no photos of my kids.

One day she was going on about DN and his latest accomplishment and I said, ' That's wonderful. It just shows that even when we worry about them, they all get there in the end, in their own way.' That shut her up for a bit. OK for about one day.

She sounds as though she is trying to extend a bond between her grandchildren a bit. She's expressing an interest in your daughter but letting her know that they have shared interests.
Or just the simple reason that she spends a lot of time with him and thus is bound to have things to note like that.

Subtle perhaps that is where she is coming from but I don't think this is a way to bond the grandchildren eventually it would probably make them resent DN as she makes it clear even ffrom a childs perspective that she spends a lot of time with him and can read him bedtime stories, seen his peg at school etc. so our DC are going to eventually feel that she can't/doesn't do these things for them.

It seems the same to me as spending time with a close friend talking about all the fun you have had recently with another friend and the places you have been to - a little rude and insensitive.

My mil is like this, every time I tell her something about the dc she usually replies with " yes, x and y do that too ( niece and nephew)"
We ignore it or play " bingo" with that and the other things she goes on about
It's very annoying but my dc have started to realise now and she is starting to get back what she puts in

If she's only mentioning DN every hour or so she's hardly going on about it. It's probably natural for her to do this a bit. Do you think this might be more your issue than hers?

My nanna used to do this, constantly referring to our cousins/aunt overseas. We barely knew them so weren't interested, just came away with the idea that we weren't as important to her as they were. She didn't do it the other way around and all it did was create resentment.

OP - if you think she'll listen, have a chat with her and explain how you feel. Otherwise talk to your children so they don't end up feeling second best

Yes YABU.
If you see someone everyday, then they are a big part of your life, and therefore will come up in conversations. Mentioning them after an hour is hardly 'always going on'. She's not comparing them, from what you say, just chatting about recognising a book. Blimey, I'd mention 'ds used to like Thomas' if my young nephew handed me a Thomas the tank book to read, and my ds is 21.

You are overthinking this.

Maybe if you went to her everyday, just knocked on the door without asking or expecting an invite, I bet she's talk about your kids too. That's the difference between being a daughter and a dil, you don't tend to take nos for an answer as a daughter and can be more demanding

Scapegoat / golden child dynamic?

Totally insensitive. I'd be concerned that regular contact with a GP who made DC feel unimportant or overlooked would be worse for them than going low contact.

Barely throwing your dc a scrap of time or attention when she isn't so busy with her other DGC wouldn't sit well with me.
Especially if she can't even shut up about him.

My grandma did this to us and our cousins, caused a whole lot of resentment and jealousy that stills lasts today with that side of the family seemingly competing. Thankfully my brother and I are happy and at peace with it but I do have to smile and nod at how successful and glamourous my cousins lives are because I know they'll be hearing a different embellished tale about our boring lives. Consequently, I'm not close with my Grandma and tell her next to nothing about my life.

This would be unacceptable to me. I would have to say something.

She's basically throwing your kids scraps (time/attention wise). If my mother/MIL was clearly this disinterested in my DC then I wouldn't bother keeping up contact. It wouldn't be in my DC's best interest to be treated like a second class citizen, especially when they see/hear her treating a generational equivalent like he's the second coming.

Talking about DN because she sees him all the time doesn't wash. I see my DH and DC all the time, but I don't go on about them all the time to other people.

It doesn't strike me that she favours your nephew, rather that she uses the experience of things he likes to relate to your children. You referenced the trouble your SIL has with your nephew at school so i wonder if your MIL worries about her daughter and your nephew and talking about it often is a way of unburdening herself.

My MIL does this. I think it's a way of making conversation more than anything else, to be honest - although it does get rather irritating. My DH is very low contact with his siblings, so my kids don't even know MIL's other grandchildren, which makes it worse!

My MIL is like this. I hate it. Before SIL had her son, my DC were MIL"s world and now, they're lucky if they see her once a month.

It's so BLIND and selfish. Pisses me right off but I have no advice.

My DM has 12 Grandchildren from both her DS's and DD's. However she is obsessed by 3 of them! We all now time how long it will take for her to mention them, no matter what the conversation is about, the winning time was about 5 seconds on entering my home, as she walked down the path!! Must say these particular children are delightful but so are the others, just maybe not as talented, good looking, successful etc etc..! It has become irritating and also, to her other GC, quite hurtful. But it is what it is. I've now attempted to discuss with DM and she acted quite surprised. However DF raised his eyes as if to say 'Yeh, don't we know it'. It's quite sad really as I now see DM trying so hard not to mention the golden ones and her clear excitement when I bring them into conversation!

The other thing to consider is - are you sure she doesn't tell other people all about you and your DC? My auntie is a great one for long, involved stories about all her DGC and all her friends, sometimes at the expense of actually engaging in conversation with us when we are there! But I know for a fact that she talks about us constantly to everyone else when we aren't there (it's a bit of a joke amongst her DGC that she calls everyone 'Natalia'!). Could your MIL be a bit like that with, say, your SIL and others?