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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to send photographs or upload any online of newborn

32 replies

peachandplum · 10/09/2017 19:27

I'm being induced tomorrow and I am NC with many of my family members due to abuse.

DH and I have agreed not to tell anyone about the induction until baby is here safely but also that we won't be sending any photographs of our DC to anyone as I don't want my abusers to see them or be shown them.
I know it's quite an extreme view but I have been 'in hiding' and through refuge twice. Although not any more.

What do I say if anyone asks to see a photo?

OP posts:
Original poster
peachandplum · 10/09/2017 19:28

How do I refuse to send photos without offending the people who are still good to me I mean. I just can't trust anyone that much.

OP posts:
hibbledobble · 10/09/2017 19:28

Are you happy to send a printed out photo by post?

Yanbu, it's your baby and your choice.

C0untDucku1a · 10/09/2017 19:29

Just say no. What about people who visit? Will you stop them taking photos?

donajimena · 10/09/2017 19:30

I was coming (from the title) to say yabu but you are most definitely not being unreasonable.

Original poster
peachandplum · 10/09/2017 19:30

I haven't thought about sending a photo by post at all but even that makes me anxious.

My family members will want to 'show off' their DGC to my abusers.

OP posts:
Couchpotato3 · 10/09/2017 19:30

Tell them why you are not publishing anything on social media. Anyone who is close enough to want to see a photograph can surely visit and see the baby for themselves at some point, or you can give them a 'hard copy' photo. I think you will need to ask them to respect your privacy and specifically ask them not to share the images or take photographs of their own if you don't want to risk them being seen by your abusers.

MytToeHurtsBetty · 10/09/2017 19:31

Just tell them that they'll have to wait for in person cuddles and snuggles

MytToeHurtsBetty · 10/09/2017 19:31

Just tell them that they'll have to wait for in person cuddles and snuggles

Original poster
peachandplum · 10/09/2017 19:31

I doubt anyone will visit. My parents and siblings haven't visited once through the pregnancy but will love the idea of 'showing off' and 'claiming' ownership to their family members who raped me as a child .

OP posts:
MytToeHurtsBetty · 10/09/2017 19:32

Just tell them that they'll have to wait for in person cuddles and snuggles

Gannicusthemannicus · 10/09/2017 19:33

Would it be possible for them to meet the baby instead? You could spin it as why look at a photo, hold the real baby!

If not, snapchat? Or maybe skype them so they don't have a picture to share?

But absolutely YANBU. They should understand that its not about them, its about protecting your safety and comfort.

Tamatoa · 10/09/2017 19:33

Yanbu. Could you say something along the lines of "we've been advised against sending out photos in any form, as some family members we are no longer in contact with might be triggered into stalking us again" or some such line? I am advising you now, so, that bits not a lie. Always add a token "we don't like to talk about it" at the end, to end any prying.

Original poster
peachandplum · 10/09/2017 19:34

All of this advice is so good and I am so grateful. I feel really very reassured there are options now!
I think I will allow a brief FaceTime with my father and brother and that is all.

Thank you for the Skype suggestion!

OP posts:
EZA15 · 10/09/2017 19:35

Could you say that there is something wrong with your phones and just keep fudging the issue? You shouldn't have to but if you don't feel up to explaining yourselves this could buy you some time? 'There's no reception here' etc. You would think your siblings and parents would know better but I was in the same situation as you (I ended up going NC) but know how hard not making a scene can be in this situation x

Original poster
peachandplum · 10/09/2017 19:36

I think I would be comfortable to say on Facebook something like

"To all of our wonderful supportive friends and family, baby is here and well. We won't be posting photos online for personal reasons but are welcoming visits in person when mum and baby have settled."

Would that be ok?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/09/2017 19:36

Remember that FaceTime can be screenshotted, as can Skype.

Are these people really good to have in your life? They don't sound it. Would you have a better, more relaxed life if you cut them off?

Original poster
peachandplum · 10/09/2017 19:37

@EZA15 it is so so hard because the fear 'of not making a scene' is so ingrained!

OP posts:
Original poster
peachandplum · 10/09/2017 19:38

I have cut them off almost entirely but I just don't know how to tell my siblings and parents that they too are not welcome. I'm lucky that we all live far away.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachandplum · 10/09/2017 19:39

I have no contact with my childhood abusers but my father does, hence my reluctance to upload photos he may pass on.

OP posts:
RicottaPancakes · 10/09/2017 19:40

It's fine not to send people photos of your baby or children or put them on social media. Before the internet and digital photos nobody did this anyway, and that wasn't that long ago! They are not entitled to a photo of your baby.

Congratulations by the way :-)

MrsHandles · 10/09/2017 19:43

I'm so very sorry you've been through such an awful time, no wonder you're NC with most of your family.

I think your suggested Facebook post is perfect, no need to expand or explain, but people would read that and respect your wishes. Be sure to politely remind any visitors that you do not want any photos shared on social media.

Good luck to you and your family, Peachandplum.

Rainatnight · 10/09/2017 19:45

We have adopted our baby and, in common with lots of adopter, don't post pictures. It's more common than you might think.

We just say 'she's a social media free baby'. I've not announced her arrival on Facebook yet as there are some legal hoops to jump through, but when I do, I'll say something along those lines. I don't feel the need to explain or justify it.

We have a family whatsapp group for grandparents, so we can share photos with them, though it sounds like you won't want to do that.

I agree FaceTime is a good idea - we do it a lot with family who live far away.

When I email/whatsapp anyone else with pictures, I only do it with people I trust and I remind them not to share. Everyone's cool with it.

Rainatnight · 10/09/2017 19:46

Oh and I also mention it to anyone else who I think might have DD in the background of their pics, eg mums at baby classes etc

rightnowimpissed · 10/09/2017 19:49

It's absolutely fine not to post pictures of your baby I never have and I didn't have as good a reason as you. I just loathe the idea of it. You do what your comfortable with

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2017 19:51

Regardless of your traumatic past, which I am so very sorry about, you are the mum and you make all the rules. If sharing any type of photo makes you uncomfortable, don't do it, and if you don't want visitors taking pics of your child, don't allow it. You have every right to refuse. Congrats on your baby!

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