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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I can/can't go to work whilst my mother is in ICU?

52 replies

Mummy2JamesNmax · 10/09/2017 15:18

My mother has been admitted to hospital this morning for a double organ transplant. She is hopefully going to have the op this evening and will be admitted to ICU following the operation for 2-3 days. Following this she is expected to spend around a month in hospital before she can return home.

My issue is with my work, I can't decide if it would be unreasonable to take time off or on the other hand am I being unreasonable to think that I can go to work and function normally whilst my mother is in ICU?

I'm a teacher so I'm conscious that to the parents of my class who won't know why I'm off it looks like I've just had 6 weeks holiday then I'm off sick in week 2. Not great really. On the other hand though I don't want to turn up to work and feel overwhelmed by it all and not be able to do my job properly.

I don't know what to do for the best, I don't know what to expect following my mums operation and whether I am over reacting perhaps, any suggestions? The hospital is a three hour round trip from my home so visiting in the evening after work is going to be difficult especially with trying to find childcare as my husband works evenings and I can't take the boys to visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy2JamesNmax · 10/09/2017 15:19

I guess what I really want to know is WWYD?

OP posts:
notanotherNC · 10/09/2017 15:19

Don't go to work! Your mother is more important than any job. If anything happens to her you will never forgive yourself.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/09/2017 15:22

My colleague in school took ond day off on the day her dm had major surgery. She then took a few days when her dm eventually returned home. Is there someone close to your dms homs who will visit regularly and you do weekends. Its tough. I hope all goes well.

BarbarianMum · 10/09/2017 15:23

I'd take at least 1 day off now to visit whilst she's in ICU and then see how I felt. Its a big deal, if you feel you need to be there then go.

MrsSchadenfreude · 10/09/2017 15:24

When my mother was in ICU, they had strictly enforced visiting hours, so it was actually easier to go and see her in the evening, rather than go and keep getting slung out! Ask what the visiting hours are, and then make a decision? It was also better for me to take leave when my Mum got home, as I was more help then.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/09/2017 15:25

Dh is SLT and he says

You're either:

  1. Quite understandably too sick (stress/upset) to work

Or

  1. Have good slt who will say don't do parents consultations/meetings at end of day - if you're not teaching last lesson then go and visit her

Flowers If the operation is really touch and go don't go in. I assume it's really serious because of organ rejection too.

Urubu · 10/09/2017 15:29

Not sure this justifies taking time off sick though, except if it really makes you unable to do your job.
In other roles you might choose to use your holiday allowance, I understand this is not an option for you as a teacher, but you can't really expect your employer to pay you if you chooses not to work for personal reasons.

toomuchicecream · 10/09/2017 15:29

When a friend's husband died suddenly a few years ago I very nearly told my HT I couldn't work as I was so distraught and distracted - so much running through my head, I couldn't see how I'd concentrate enough to teach. I decided that as it wasn't a relative or close friend I'd give it a go until breaktime and see how I felt then. I couldn't believe how quickly time went - there's nothign like being with children to take your mind off things. I know the situation was completely different to yours, but you might actually find it being easier being in class than sitting at home worrying? You could then take time off later on when she'll be more aware of you being there.

Gorgosparta · 10/09/2017 15:31

Personally i would work and visit her in the evenings. Work is good for keeping me distractes from dwelling.

I would be saving having to take time off if she needs any help after if she needs it.

sooperdooper · 10/09/2017 15:33

When my mum was in ICU following an operation you could only visit during set hours, I did go to work pretty much as usual, tbh I preferred to be doing something to keep me occupied

I did let my manager know what was going on though, and they were flexible on the odd days I did go in to visit at different times

Mummaofboys · 10/09/2017 15:41

I wouldn't take the time off now when there are nurses and doctors to help and a warm hospital to stay in where she is looked after, you will need the time off when she arrives home a month or so later when she has nobody to help, but is still weak and frail.

Original poster
Mummy2JamesNmax · 10/09/2017 15:44

I will check visiting times with the hospital. I assumed ICU was open access as it was when my son was in there but I'm guessing it must be different for children.

I think I will most likely be going in to work in the morning and will explain to management and I should be able to leave at 3.30pm.

My mother will be having the operation through the night and I have to stay at home to be with my children. My dad is at the hospital and will ring me to let me know how it all goes, so fingers crossed it all goes to plan and I can visit after work tomorrow evening. Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 10/09/2017 15:47

As a teacher I would go in but be very open with HR and SLT and have things prepared in case you need to leave short notice (either if something happens or you arent in a state to teach).

I would also ask for the day of the surgery off so you can be there when she wakes up, and so you aren't too far away if she needs you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2017 15:48

In this situation, you need to reach out to others for childcare. Most people will help. My friend had a rota for her ds when she was up and down to her dying mother and looking after her disabled father, who'd always relied on her mother. Many people have said go to work. I'd try and see how you feel then get someone to take your boys while you visit in the evenings. Could you speak to the school about taking set days off? That way they are prepared and I think tas can cover as long as it's not too long.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/09/2017 15:49

All the best to your Mum OP and if you can't face work and ned to be there for your Mum then so be it. Been there and do e that and I am quite irate at the lack of understanding for carers of adults. Flowers

rizlett · 10/09/2017 15:50

I guess it might depend on whether you cope will stress by working to take your mind off whats going on for short periods. Are you able to explain to work so that you could leave at short notice if necessary?

You also may need to consider the risk of passing on germs to your mum when she is so acutely ill.

7to25 · 10/09/2017 15:54

I don't think it is worth taking the day of the operation off. She may well be ventilated and sedated.
Take the advice of the staff there.

JonSnowsWife · 10/09/2017 15:57

Good kucj for your Mums Op OP.

When my Mum was in ICU. She had 1-1 care. There was a nurse there with her 24/7 and they are literally VERY vigilant. Her temp raised slightly and within an hour she was in a CT scan to check everything was okay (they spotted an infection and started treating it straight away) Sorry I'm not telling you this to scare you, just trying to explain, perhaps badly, at how 'on the ball' they are.
They also had their own mobile phone which was a direct line. So on the days the family couldn't go we could ring her assigned nurse and see how she was. They would also ring and let us know if they had any concerns too.

It does take a big strain out of you. So you will need those 'off' days from visiting her to take stock and recharge. She's in good hands.

Do what you think is best for you, I wouldn't worry about what the parents will be thinking, DCs had a teacher who broke their leg on the first week of term and they was off for quite a while with complications from an op to fix it. Was none of our business really and I just hoped they were alright.

JonSnowsWife · 10/09/2017 15:58

Good luck sorry.

trinity0097 · 10/09/2017 16:02

I speak as a Deputy Head. We would grant personal time on the day of the op and be flexible in the days after, but when your Mum is just recovering we would expect you to be at work, but would be understanding about not attending things in the evenings unless absolutely necessary so that you could visit. Your Mum does not need you to nurse her, she will have nurses and doctors to care for her. I will imagine she will also want to spend a fair bit of time resting and it's hard to sleep/rest when you have a visitor there as you feel bad that they are there so you should be up.

Visiting hours always include evenings, so you wouldn't have to miss school to see your Mum.

This is a really bad time of year to be missing lessons, we'd be even more flexible say at the end of the autumn or summer terms when things are collapsed anyway due to events.

ohdostopfiddling · 10/09/2017 16:04

My DBIL had a double organ transplant and certainly on the day of the surgery and in ICU he was ventilated/sedated and looked after 1:1. However when he was transferred to a more normal ward DSIL found she was needed/expected to wheel him to X-ray etc! And this is a big London teaching hospital. If you are her only relative/carer you might find you need to be around after ICU. All good wishes to your mum ☘️

Bratsandtwats · 10/09/2017 16:05

Your Mother will be safe and being looked after by the medical staff. They will contact you if there is a problem.

Go to work and visit in the evenings. You are more likely to need time off to help care for her when she is out of hospital.

ohdostopfiddling · 10/09/2017 16:07

I disagree with "she will not need you to nurse her" sadly the state of some hospitals is that relatives are relied on to carry out food, transporting, etc.

Floralnomad · 10/09/2017 16:09

Hope the operation goes well OP . Fwiw , I would go into school just ensure that your dad will call you if you are needed .

Macaroni46 · 10/09/2017 16:09

I'm SLT in a school. I'd ask if you can leave bang on home time or even just before for the next day or so to ensure you don't get caught by a parent wanting a quick chat or in the school pick up traffic.

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