Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think that I can/can't go to work whilst my mother is in ICU?

52 replies

Mummy2JamesNmax · 10/09/2017 15:18

My mother has been admitted to hospital this morning for a double organ transplant. She is hopefully going to have the op this evening and will be admitted to ICU following the operation for 2-3 days. Following this she is expected to spend around a month in hospital before she can return home.

My issue is with my work, I can't decide if it would be unreasonable to take time off or on the other hand am I being unreasonable to think that I can go to work and function normally whilst my mother is in ICU?

I'm a teacher so I'm conscious that to the parents of my class who won't know why I'm off it looks like I've just had 6 weeks holiday then I'm off sick in week 2. Not great really. On the other hand though I don't want to turn up to work and feel overwhelmed by it all and not be able to do my job properly.

I don't know what to do for the best, I don't know what to expect following my mums operation and whether I am over reacting perhaps, any suggestions? The hospital is a three hour round trip from my home so visiting in the evening after work is going to be difficult especially with trying to find childcare as my husband works evenings and I can't take the boys to visit.

OP posts:

Quirkydamsel · 10/09/2017 16:12

I really hope your DM comes out if the op and is very well afterwards my dear.
I am also glad you are going to work too it is probably the best place for you to keep yourself occupied .

cansu · 10/09/2017 16:17

I would say you should take time off for the first few days of the operation and her recovery from it. I am a teacher and I know how difficult it can be but regardless of whether it is a good time to be off, your mum should come first. A decent school should be able to arrange cover for this. For the time after when she is recuperating in hospital, you could be at work and visit in the evenings when possible. Be clear with your SLT on what you need.

reallybadidea · 10/09/2017 16:18

I think what you've suggested sounds very reasonable and once she's out of surgery then you can see how you feel based on how she's recovering.

Also worth bearing in mind, as I'm sure you know, that quite a large proportion of transplants can get cancelled or delayed, even at the last minute. Probably worth saving the goodwill for afterwards when you can see her/spend time with her.

Hope it goes well.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/09/2017 16:19

My mum was in ICU and we were allowed 2 at all times, but only because we were told she wouldn't make it. When she turned a corner and the anti-bs started working they quickly switched to strict visiting hours only. I was at work the next day.

Work can be a good distraction from the worry especially if you can't visit.

cansu · 10/09/2017 16:19

am also disappointed but not surprised to hear slt talking about it being 'a bad time of year to be missing lessons.' I don't imagine it is possible to scedule a double organ transplant to coincide with the end of term when it is less inconvenient!

Mosschopz · 10/09/2017 16:20

I'm a teacher (SLT) and am going to face a similar situation in a few months although my mother will be undergoing treatment at a hospital which is a 6-8 hour round trip. My plan is to to take three days leave of absence (probably only part-paid) when she initially comes out of theatre and then see how we go, msybe another 3 later down the line. It's hard as you are fine in yourself so the teacher guilt sets in! It might be good to have a word with your head and say you might be a bit awol after 3.30 while she's in hospital and then recuperating.

mmzz · 10/09/2017 16:23

Maybe tomorrow off, if you can't function, but you've got to go to work after that (and I'd be saying that irrespective of the job). Basic rule, if you have a commitment, and you can function, and you are not desperately needed elsewhere, then you go in and do the best you can.

WhyamIBoredathome · 10/09/2017 16:26

When my grandmother had a massive heart attack and was taken in for an emergency quadruple bypass I told school I was going and I just left. It was touch and go and possibly my last chance to see her alive so I didn't care if I got disciplined or lost a day's pay. It was 3 hours drive to the hospital so going after work not an option. As it happens she pulled through but she was so delighted that my mum and I were there when she came around from the anaesthetic as she was otherwise quite upset and confused.
I would say you are absolutely not unreasonable to take at least the day of the op off work so you can see her before and after. If SLT are not understanding about this given that your mum is about to have very seriously surgery then they are bastards.

WhyamIBoredathome · 10/09/2017 16:31

Just to add, I just left at 8am my when my mum phoned me to let me know and we had a cover supervisor to cover my classes, I didn't just walk out on a room full of kids.

maggie222 · 10/09/2017 16:34

Due to the crappy health our family has maybe I am a bit unfased by it all.

I go in to have my kidneys removed on Tuesday. My son will be going in school for a normal day. I spoke to him and he preferred to do this. My DP will see me as I go in theatre then go to work. Im under for around 5 hours so whats the point in him hanging around. They will then be in school/work the rest of the week as I will be fast asleep in HDU.

I then go back in 6 wks later for kidney transplant. My son will have as much normality as possible going to school. My DP would usually go in work but he is donating his kidney to me so will get a few weeks off

Sometimes taking your mind off things by being in work is for the best. From experience I hate visitors for the first few days as I feel shit and want to sleep. If my mum comes she drives me mad so I press the morphine pump to the max so I am drugged to my eyeballs

Visiting times will be limited so it is limited on what can do if that makes sense.

Good Luck

d270r0 · 10/09/2017 16:34

Every teacher is allowed a couple of days for this sort of thing per year. Eg. Sick kids etc. So just make sure you play up the carer role/ that there is no one else who can help. If they really don't want you to do it they may say it has to be unpaid, but should still let you.

MuddlingThroughLife · 10/09/2017 16:45

I think there are a couple of things to consider really.

You are obviously going to be anxious when she has her op.and goes to ICU. School will need to be aware of what's happening so they can support you and make sure you are coping with work if you decide to keep working.

Also, will you be caring for her when she comes home? If so may be worth mentioning that you will need time off in the near future so school can forward plan and cover your absence.

It's a horrible and hard situation to be in. I've been off sick since January to care for ds who was diagnosed with a brain tumour on 3rd Jan. I'm fingers crossed returning to work in november.

I hope all goes well for your mum.

🎗

YogiYoni · 10/09/2017 16:45

Maybe go in to work tomorrow, see how you get on and let your line manager know what's happening. If you're struggling to cope then take time off sick (your gp can sign you off with stress/anxiety etc if needed) - 'sick' rather than caring as there tends to be fewer limits on that in schools.

Of course, if there's an emergency then you should leave school and rush to her, and expect to be paid under the 'emergency domestic' category.

When your mum's home and recovering, I don't think you can really ask for time off - you can arrange care if necessary and arrange visits out of school time so it would no longer count as an emergency.

On a purely practical note, maybe spend some time prepping emergency cover tonight. If you're secondary you should be able to find 'work books' on most topics that you could leave for classes to work through if you have to dash off.

YogiYoni · 10/09/2017 16:46

Sorry, posted too soon and without proof reading.

You should be able to find work books on the tes website (less work for you)

I hope your mum's ok. Take care

DeadButDelicious · 10/09/2017 16:49

My mum had a transplant a few years back. The operation is the easy bit really, it's afterwards that she is more likely to need people around her. The op was done over night and then there were a few days in ICU before she was transferred up to the ward. My mum was very emotional afterwards, obviously, the whole thing is very strange, the recipient may feel guilt mixed in with gratitude and relief, it's hard to explain but my mum described it as not feeling like herself anymore, she was so, so grateful to the donor, we all were, but she felt like her body had been invaded like it wasn't hers. Which is completely understandable, it's a huge thing to get your head around. I would say if you want to take time off, which is completely understandable and you are limited in how much time you can take then I would save it for when it's done and dusted and all being well she's starting the recovery process, so you can be with her in those emotional first few days. Good luck to your mum and lots of love to you and your family.

Jaxhog · 10/09/2017 16:54

Hope the operation goes well.

Your Mother will be safe and being looked after by the medical staff. They will contact you if there is a problem. Go to work and visit in the evenings. You are more likely to need time off to help care for her when she is out of hospital.

I don't think it's reasonable to take time off. Imagine if everyone did this whenever someone in their family was ill etc?

LadyLapsang · 10/09/2017 17:00

Depending on the age and health of your DF, I would go to work and visit in the evenings. I found ICU staff excellent on updating on progress, although if your DF is able, he will be able to give you much of the detail. Can't your DH take leave, either AL or carer's leave - or adjust his hours to care for the children while you visit? You don't mention siblings, but if your DM is recovering well, then perhaps you can share the care - if she needs any from anyone other than your DF- when she returns home. Of course, if your DF looks after her when she returns home, it would be good to give him a break at the weekends when you are not working if your DH can care for the children. Hope it all goes well.

Tantpoke · 10/09/2017 17:08

You are better off taking the time off once she comes out of hospital where she will need your help at home whilst she recovers.
At the hospital she has 24/7 care and you can go and visit her and the nurses will chat to her and keep her well looked after.
You can call her on a mobile as often as you like in hospital to keep in touch.

Witchend · 10/09/2017 17:27

Every teacher is allowed a couple of days for this sort of thing per year which is right.

But, what I'd be thinking is that actually even if all is well then dm might well need me more during recovery. If things go badly, even more so.

I'd be worried that if I'd taken a couple of days off over the operation because I felt I couldn't function, that they'd be less sympathetic if I wanted time off to help her afterwards.

Yerroblemom1923 · 10/09/2017 17:28

Take a day off for the day of the operation, make sure she's ok and after that visit in the evenings. Maybe once she's home take a couple of days off to check she can manage ok. That's what I did.

proplapsingallover · 10/09/2017 17:31

Every teacher is allowed a couple of days for this sort of thing per year. Eg. Sick kids etc.

No they are not- why do you think that?

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 10/09/2017 17:31

First and foremost, I wish her all the best. Unless there are exceptional circumstances, most ICUs have visiting hours; some start at 12 and some later, even as late as 2 pm due to doctors doing their rounds. I'm not sure if this will change things for you in terms of work. Ultimately, life is precious and you need to do what you need to do. I hope work are understanding and allow you the time you need. Take care of yourself too.

YogiYoni · 10/09/2017 19:46

You are better off taking the time off once she comes out of hospital where she will need your help at home whilst she recovers

I'm not sure this is so possible for teachers. This would be considered something you could plan for so I think there'd be less opportunities for time off (though it may coincide with half term, which would be helpful). The time off will be if OP is sick (stress, anxiety etc) or for emergency domestic situation (the operation itself and any immediate care needs that couldn't have been planned for)

@prolapsing - if the school is under la control or an academy following the burgundy book then yes, they are. It's called 'emergency domestic' or something like that and I think you're allowed five days per year. It would need to be emergency though - e.g. The first day of chicken pox, but probably not the whole week (when you could have put care in place)

Stickerrocks · 10/09/2017 20:06

maggie Best wishes for a speedy recovery for you both. The generosity of a kidney donor & his family gave us 23 years with our uncle after dialysis.

Albinohedgehogs · 10/09/2017 21:15

I REALLY regret not being by my mum's side when she was in ICU. Please take time off and be with her xx

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread