Sorry for long post or poor thread etiquette. I'm new on here and not sure how it works.
I've been with dh for 24 years and married for 16. We usually get on very well but we had marital difficulties in the past when I lost dear family members to cancer a couple of years ago. The grief at that time was absolutely overwhelming and led to me having a nervous breakdown and quitting my job due to stress but dh gave me very little to no emotional support at that time saying he doesn't do emotions. He seemed to switch off from me and although he financially supported me, it felt as though he'd just turned away from me when I needed him most. During that time we came very close to splitting up because he simply shrugged his shoulders and left me to it, emotionally. I also caught him and a 'friend' of mine holding hands at that time and, although he said it was nothing and I was being ridiculous to be upset about it, it cut me deeply because he refuses to hold my hand ever when we are out or do anything romantic for or with me. We have no hobbies together; he runs and so do I but he absolutely point blank refuses to come out on a run with me, preferring to run indoors on a treadmill. Most weekends I'm alone while he goes to watch football and if he's not working or at football and we have free time together it usually involves having a drink. I've asked him time and again if we can do something other than drinking and he will make an effort to take me to the cinema a couple of times but after a while it'll revert back to just going to the pub. He really enjoys a drink and if he could, if it was not for work commitments and requirements to stay within a legal limit, he would drink everyday day and night. But, when he gets drunk he can often be very obnoxious towards me.
On a practical level, he is amazing, a dream husband, as he does more than his share around the house and he will often ensure that my dinner is ready and on the table when I'm coming home. Financially, he has a very secure job, I now work part time but rely on him to pay the mortgage and bills. He controls all the finances although we have a joint account that I can access. Socially, everyone loves him as he's such a charmer and he gets on well with everyone he meets.
At the moment there's a crisis in dh's family as FIL has just been diagnosed the other day with an illness which will most likely give him just a few years left of life and he will be dealing with quite unpleasant symptoms. So we all need to help out. On hearing this, dh immediately went to be with his dad and rightly so. Of course, this involved taking his dad to the pub - he said it was only to be for 1hr - I had errands to run and I offered to drive them there and come back and get them, which I did. But, when I went to pick them up it turned into a couple of hrs of me watching them drinking whisky and dh getting louder and louder and more aggressive.
When we were eventually in the car and on the way home dh started the usual behaviour of being obnoxious towards me, angry face, passive aggressive with arms folded, when we came home, he continued to ignore me. Silent wall. Tbh I was tired and fed up at that point so I put all the drink in the house down the sink as I knew he would just start in on drinking all of that. He's done this before.
So, that's where we are at. Not speaking, he's sleeping in the spare room. He did try to apologise and asked if we could just forget it all. But, we've been here before and I feel that he needs to genuinely apologise (I don't know how) and change his ways to ensure this sort of behaviour towards me won't happen again. He thinks IBU. I'm hurt and I don't have the strength to take the emotional detachment anymore. I think I want to leave him.
AIBU to not accept his apology? Or am I being a complete selfish b*^#h, given that he's upset about his dad?