AIBU To not accept his apology

[MrsMumScotland]

Sorry for long post or poor thread etiquette. I'm new on here and not sure how it works.

I've been with dh for 24 years and married for 16. We usually get on very well but we had marital difficulties in the past when I lost dear family members to cancer a couple of years ago. The grief at that time was absolutely overwhelming and led to me having a nervous breakdown and quitting my job due to stress but dh gave me very little to no emotional support at that time saying he doesn't do emotions. He seemed to switch off from me and although he financially supported me, it felt as though he'd just turned away from me when I needed him most. During that time we came very close to splitting up because he simply shrugged his shoulders and left me to it, emotionally. I also caught him and a 'friend' of mine holding hands at that time and, although he said it was nothing and I was being ridiculous to be upset about it, it cut me deeply because he refuses to hold my hand ever when we are out or do anything romantic for or with me. We have no hobbies together; he runs and so do I but he absolutely point blank refuses to come out on a run with me, preferring to run indoors on a treadmill. Most weekends I'm alone while he goes to watch football and if he's not working or at football and we have free time together it usually involves having a drink. I've asked him time and again if we can do something other than drinking and he will make an effort to take me to the cinema a couple of times but after a while it'll revert back to just going to the pub. He really enjoys a drink and if he could, if it was not for work commitments and requirements to stay within a legal limit, he would drink everyday day and night. But, when he gets drunk he can often be very obnoxious towards me.

On a practical level, he is amazing, a dream husband, as he does more than his share around the house and he will often ensure that my dinner is ready and on the table when I'm coming home. Financially, he has a very secure job, I now work part time but rely on him to pay the mortgage and bills. He controls all the finances although we have a joint account that I can access. Socially, everyone loves him as he's such a charmer and he gets on well with everyone he meets.

At the moment there's a crisis in dh's family as FIL has just been diagnosed the other day with an illness which will most likely give him just a few years left of life and he will be dealing with quite unpleasant symptoms. So we all need to help out. On hearing this, dh immediately went to be with his dad and rightly so. Of course, this involved taking his dad to the pub - he said it was only to be for 1hr - I had errands to run and I offered to drive them there and come back and get them, which I did. But, when I went to pick them up it turned into a couple of hrs of me watching them drinking whisky and dh getting louder and louder and more aggressive.

When we were eventually in the car and on the way home dh started the usual behaviour of being obnoxious towards me, angry face, passive aggressive with arms folded, when we came home, he continued to ignore me. Silent wall. Tbh I was tired and fed up at that point so I put all the drink in the house down the sink as I knew he would just start in on drinking all of that. He's done this before.

So, that's where we are at. Not speaking, he's sleeping in the spare room. He did try to apologise and asked if we could just forget it all. But, we've been here before and I feel that he needs to genuinely apologise (I don't know how) and change his ways to ensure this sort of behaviour towards me won't happen again. He thinks IBU. I'm hurt and I don't have the strength to take the emotional detachment anymore. I think I want to leave him.

AIBU to not accept his apology? Or am I being a complete selfish b*^#h, given that he's upset about his dad?

Leave the git, sounds pretty awful to be hinest.

He's not a dream husband, more like a flat mate who pulls their weight.

I think if you wish for things to change, you need to have an honest talk with your husband, and it sounds as though he may struggle to deal with the issues that are troubling you. I would suggest marriage counselling to explore whether your relationship is worth saving, or if you are coming to an end. Good luck, I hope things work out for you

Thanks all for taking the time to comment on this. I need this clarity as I cannot see the wood for the trees.

We went to marriage counselling before after the bereavements and hand holding incident. At that time I was an absolute emotional wreck and just let it all wash over me. The counselling was useless for me, he just told her that he doesn't do emotions and in the end he persuaded me that it was not needed for us.

My problem is that I am terrified of going it alone. We have two kids. One has left home and the youngest is at a crucial time of exams at school. He has another couple of years of school to go. I know he is suffering when the atmosphere at home is so frosty just now and a split now could affect him psychologically.

I am terrified of leaving or all the mess of a split. I honestly have nowhere to go. I love having my family and I feel responsible for failing them. Dh has told me that no one would ever believe me if I told them anything neg about him. I think that's true, that friends would be shocked to think that it's like this for me. He's so charming and lovely to everyone and such a great husband etc etc. His family are all big big drinkers too and his behaviour is just seen as normal to them so I'd immediately be ostracised there and told to get on with it.

😢

All you have to tell people is that it wasn't working anymore and you both fell out of love.
Start one step at a time, make plans to exit the relationship. Work out what you are entitled to, start saving up for a deposit on a rental property. See if it is possible to manage on what you have or if you need to increase your working hours. Get away from the situation first. Do not rely on his family for anything. Rely on your own family and friends.
Split after this round of exams but before the next, the atmosphere will build and do just as much damage as a split. Make sure your son has access to help via school and individual counselling should he need it.

He's an alcoholic, he needs support. I find it concerning that you want him to apologise but have no idea of what form that apology should take. If you don't know, how is he supposed to?

A person can only be supported if they accept that support, otherwise they will quite happily let the other person destroy themselves trying. Is this seriously what you are advocating ChelleDawg?
The DH does not want anything to change and is unsupportive of the Op getting any help either, so he is actively making her situation worse. The OP according to the DH should keep her emotions to herself and not rock the boat so he can continue in any way he sees fit. How is that not going to destroy the other person involved? How can she support him, if his preference is to pretend she does not exist?

Tbh, splitting up may well be more beneficial than staying for your child who's doing exams. A horrible atmosphere as you describe is mot conducive to him doing well at school.

The guy sounds like he won't change, or stop boozing.

He's emotionally abusive

Dh has told me that no one would ever believe me if I told them anything neg about him.

and he's gaslighting you ^^

I felt cold reading your op, it's no way to live

My exh is an alcoholic. For the first few years he kept it under control because he worked, but once he was made redundant he started drinking all day, every day. I'm sorry op, but it won't get better. Every bump in the road that is life will lead to more drinking to cope and you will be seen as spoiling his fun by objecting to his drinking. My ex used to apologise to me but it didn't stop the obnoxious behaviour, he just apologised because he thought it was his get out of jail free card. I threw him out eventually.
To get some clarity have you thought about attending an Al-Anon meeting? ( google will tell you where your nearest meeting is). You don't have to speak, just listen, it'll be a real eye opener.
Good luck with however you choose to go forward

Just be aware op that there is no perfect time to leave a relationship. I had years of thinking that I'd better wait until the dc had finished gcse's, A levels, settled at uni, etc etc. I've finally made the move and of course it's much harder now for me to earn more (which I really need to do) by retraining or upping my hours.

Don't be me. Don't bury your head in the sand; at the very least start planning and saving so you will be ready to go before too much longer.

He genuinely sounds awful - don't spend the rest of your life like this.

Thank you for the support.

I wrote that I don't know how he should apologise because I've never experienced any other form from him other than that we should forget it and move on.

He grinds me down by telling me I'm kicking the ar*e out of it and keeping it going. It is really difficult because he makes me feel guilty that I am doing all this to him and the kids.

I honestly don't know if I've got the strength to stick to my guns.

You should leave him. Your child will be better off with you in a happier place, and if you keep putting it off, you'll end up really damaging your mental health.

Start getting your ducks in a row. Have you a close friend you can confide in? It would help to have someone you can talk to, if not, post here, but in the relationships section, because AIBU can get rather combatative. People here can give you practical advice and help support you. Lots of use have been through similar and left bad relationships and are much happier on the other side.

You can do this. It is scary, especially if you've been with someone for so long, but you can surprise yourself at how strong you really are.

You deserve better.

Your son may find it more psychologically damaging if you stay together. I've seen lots of post here from people who say they really wish their parents had split up a lot earlier as they found it much more difficult to deal with. Especially when they observed one adult bring very unkind to the other.

It also doesn't strike me as a good template for how a good relationship should be.

I suspect your friends and family won't be nearly so surprised as you think and will be much more supportive than you envisage. Is there someone you can confide in?

I think you know what you want to do - what you need to do - and I'm wishing you strength and courage to Do It!

Thank you.

I have no one close to me, or close friends at all. My parents are elderly and my father is battling his own cancer. They would 100% support me. But I just cannot burden them with my troubles.

Look, I thought this about telling my mum about me and my H splitting up. She is 91 and not well and I worried so much about telling her. But I'm so glad I did, she took it much better than I'd anticipated and has been so supportive. You might find your dad welcomes something different to think about!

I don't think you realize it, but FINALLY, after all these years of choking on his abuse and fuckery, you have reached your line in the sand. Now you just have to step across it.

I appreciate that you have concerns about your child who is still at home, but trust me when I say the environment they are living in is far more damaging and stressful than if the 2 of you left or made your husband leave. You don't need him and will be so much happier without him. It may seem impossible to leave, but it is 100% NOT.

I just cannot burden them with my troubles

You know your parents best, and you probably believe (and you may very well be correct) that they have no idea at all about how unpleasant you STBXDP is and will be shocked and saddened and concerned for you to hear that your marriage is over.

However, they may already have picked up on how badly he treats you - it can be a lot clearer to people outside a relationship, since they are not clouded by all of the gaslighting, nice-nasty cycle, love-bombing and confidence erosion that the target is subjected to. So the news that you are finally jacking in that waste of space may be a tremendous relief to your parents.

If I had a child, I wouldn't want them to stay with someone who made them miserable just because they 'didn't want to burden me with their troubles'. It seems mad when you put it like that, doesn't it?

Thanks for all the replies. Someone mentioned a relationships forum on here. I don't see a link to it. I'd really appreciate being pointed in the right direction

There's no change to my circumstances. It is very difficult to stay strong.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

for you.

This is what my dd said to her sibling a while after I left XP when my new partner was cracking me up.

"I've never seen Mummy like this"

To think I was going to stay with him until they were grown up. So glad I didn't. There's never a good time. Good luck. By the way the most surprising people have been supportive and said kind things and clearly had a lot more insight into my XDH than I did.

he makes me feel guilty that I am doing all this to him and the kids

You're not 'doing all this', he is. It is not your fault, it's his fault.

By the way, perhaps now might be a good time to think about counselling again, but NOT together. Go on your own, and then you will be able to speak freely.

Your children are older so that makes things easier. If I were you, I'd look at trying to increase my work and try and save up the money for a deposit on a flat somewhere to rent. Your lifestyle won't be as nice but your life would be much nicer, I think,