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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I stop being the evil stepmother?

61 replies

NorfolkAndAround · 09/09/2017 21:34

My OH had a fling during the early days of our relationship with an ex and she became pregnant. Before the baby was born me and OH moved out of the country (This was planned long before and for OH's work). Through OH's family OH still communicated with DSS and saw him at Christmas. I would go to my own family so wouldn't see DSS. However when OH spoke to him on Skype ect I would always join in.
Now we are back in the UK and OH sees DSS every week. I try hard with DSS and we take him places and do nice things with him. However after we take him back to his mum's there is always a laundry list of things I have done wrong. Never OH. Just me. I find this incredibly hurtful as obviously the situation is far from ideal and I have suffered a lot mentally from what happened (Obviously DSS is not to blame but OH cheating and various complications have had an impact) but I have tried so hard to make DSC feel at home with us.
I have tried to speak to his mum but she makes it difficult. She doesn't reply to texts and face to face she just ignores I exist if we happen to be in the same room.
I'm worried that DSS doesn't like me because of what she says about me. AIBU to think I will never be good enough for her child in her eyes?

OP posts:
nicelyneurotic · 09/09/2017 21:39

Its a tough situation and you're trying your best. But it's painful for a mother to watch another woman play happy families with their child, she's possibly a bit threatened DSS will have more fun with you or jealous?

I think you have to hang in there, be pleasant and the relationship will soften in time.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 09/09/2017 21:42

Is she possibly jealous? Who gives you the list of things you did wrong? Who does this list?
If it is your OH, tell him to stop telling you about the list.
I think you can't win so your best bet is just to disengage and let your OH deal with his son.

SundaySalon · 09/09/2017 21:46

How old is he? Could it be the fact you guys moved away? I know you said it was already a planned move but they had an affair and she fell pregnant, then the baby's father moved out of the country with his partner. Obviously what they both did was wrong but she might still hold a grudge, I imagine doing that alone was difficult for her (not condoning the cheating). What does your DSs say you did wrong?

It sounds like you're trying your best however he is a child and if he had little contact with his dad at the start he is probably very dependant upon his relationship with mum? If she voices her dislike towards you in front of him then he probably believes what she says.

BackieJerkhart · 09/09/2017 21:48

What sort of things is she saying you do wrong? TBH I wouldn't take her under my notice and just carry on as you are unless they are things that you are genuinely doing wrong like shouting at the child or telling him his mum is smelly Grin

Notcontent · 09/09/2017 21:49

i think it's very difficult because obviously no doubt both the poor child and his mother are quite resentful of your existence, even though none of this is your fault. I don't think there is much you can do except do your best and hope things improve in the future.

Nuttynoo · 09/09/2017 21:56

She was the other woman it seems from your post. If the child is a teen I'd firmly remind them of that when they list everything you've done wrong.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/09/2017 22:01

Some blended family arrangements work - but the Ines that don't are harnessed by resentful parents causing their children emotional pain and years of heartache.

Do not speak to this woman, avoid her at all costs, keep your role with her son a civil one, do not try to parent him. Be kind and fair.

Allow yourself to only think about the situation once per day for five mins then shut it off. The negative emotional energy will drag you down. It isn't worth your time!

HeddaGarbled · 09/09/2017 22:11

You need to block her ability to criticise you. If it's to your face, stop having contact with her. If it's by phone, block her number - she can communicate with your partner. If it's via your partner, tell him to shut her down as soon as she starts criticising you and not to repeat any of it to you.

I agree, you probably never will be good enough in her eyes. That's her problem. Stop trying. Your relationships are with your partner and his child, not her.

hairymaryquitecontrary · 09/09/2017 22:12

For how long did he live abroad only seeing his son once a year? She (and probably the son too) possibly blame you for that, which is understandable, given that there was only one visit a year and you didn't go too,
Not sure how you could marry a man who would both cheat on you and then abandon his child, but I expect you had reasons.

Onemoresliceofcakewonthurt · 09/09/2017 22:51

I'm a step parent too and find we're an easy target for both DSC and exes.

How old is DSS? Could you address this with him or is he too young?

hairymaryquitecontrary · 09/09/2017 22:54

I'm a step parent too and find we're an easy target for both DSC and exes

Bit of a cop out, isn't it? Looks like there are good reasons here to be not too fond of absentee dads wife/girlfriend....

Original poster
NorfolkAndAround · 10/09/2017 06:29

DSS is six. We moved back when he was three.
Hairy OH didn't tell me about the affair until we were already living abroad. I had already given up my job, flat ect in the UK so despite my reservations made a go of things.

OP posts:
simpaticasimpatica · 10/09/2017 06:36

Wait so not only did he have an affair but he also failed to mention its existence until you'd upped sticks and moved abroad?

How did you find out he'd fathered a child OP?

Your OH really doesn't sound like much of a catch

simpaticasimpatica · 10/09/2017 06:36

*its existence being the child's existence

NoFucksImAQueen · 10/09/2017 06:45

So if he's 6 I'm guessing it's the mother sending you list?
You say she ignores your texts so why don't you stop letting these lists get to you. Block her number if needs be and if she's texting it to oh tell him not to tell you.
Do you interact with dss a lot? 6 year olds are pretty easy to win over if you know what stuff they like. You have the fun of not having to be the disciplinarian and you can just have fun with him.

Agree with others that you oh is not coming off well here. Does he see how much his actions are affecting your mental health?

andbabymakesthree · 10/09/2017 06:51

What Hedda said.

She communicates with your partner and he zips it. Why is she communicating with you?

Do you have other children?

andbabymakesthree · 10/09/2017 06:52

Your DH sounds awful too. Sorry to have to add that but he's treated u terribly.

Cailleach666 · 10/09/2017 07:00

Your OH fathered a child and left the country.

And you wonder why there is resentment.

Zampa · 10/09/2017 07:12

I get criticised by the DSC's mother but then so does OH! If there's anything valid raised, learn from it and move on. Ignore anything made up, petty or minor. I let DSC's mother get in my head too often and it's not healthy. Good luck!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 10/09/2017 07:18

If it's the mother saying this to you, block and ignore. In fact, you don't need to have face to face cobract, leave hand overs to dh (and they don't have to be cosy and protracted)
If it's your not so dp , or her via him, rip him a new one and remind him of his place in this situation and that he's bloody lucky you didn't kick his cheating arse to the kerb. Keep being lovely to this poor little boy, but remember, you arent his mum (not strictly his step mum either) Let dh do the "parenting" bits, you be the nice lady that daddy is married to.
(Btw op, you are a better woman than me, in your situation I'd be single)

Cailleach666 · 10/09/2017 07:22

(Btw op, you are a better woman than me, in your situation I'd be single)

This x 100.

What kind of man fathers a child then leaves the country.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2017 07:23

In this situation, I don't think you can. I think you need to reframe this as much as possible to realise this really isn't about you, it's about her and her ds. Just be kind to him. I agree -Quite and especially Hedda.

Cailleach666 · 10/09/2017 07:26

. AIBU to think I will never be good enough for her child in her eyes?

Your OH has to step up to the mark and be the best father he can.

I think the issue here is your relationship with your OH.

BanyanTree · 10/09/2017 07:31

I am gong to post before I read the other comments.

WTAF!!!

He cheats on you with ex. She gets pregnant and has baby. In order to stay together you had to suck up the situation. His ex is complaining about you when you are with DSS.

Ex is trying to split you and your OH up. End of story.

I bet you are in no way at fault. Tell your OH that this shit is not working for you because a) you sucked up the cheating and the birth of his love child and b) now you are being victimised. He has to tell her to FTFOATFOSM otherwise you are off to find a man whose life isn't a spin off of Eastenders.

Cailleach666 · 10/09/2017 07:33

FTFOATFOSM ??