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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset and feel so isolated

42 replies

cailisto · 09/09/2017 08:47

I'm sat here trying very hard not to cry in front of my children.

In pre-kids life, I obviously had the freedom to go out pretty much as/when I wanted with my friends and there was a group of us who used to go out a lot. It was lovely!

Since having children, we've still gone out (but not as much) and one of us moved away.

So, imagine how I felt when I looked on bloody Facebook today to see them all out (including the one who moved away) on a jolly old night out locally.

No one had texted/messaged me and as far as I was aware, everything was all fine between us all.

I feel like shit and really don't know how to handle this one.

OP posts:
PuffinNose · 09/09/2017 08:50
Flowers That would upset me too. In fact, it has hsppened in the past. Why don't you fb them and say it looks like they had a fab time and if they have another night out planned, you'd love to catch up. Their response might explain it.
ChocoholicsAnonymous · 09/09/2017 08:54

I know, it's rubbish isn't it? Do any of them have kids too? This has happened to me before too. It used to bother me but now I've just accepted that we are at different stages of life. They are single, I am married with kids.

Winosaurus · 09/09/2017 09:14

It happened to me for about 2 years. I had my DD much younger than my friends had their children and I had no support from then.
Then by the time I was having my second child 3 of the girls were pregnant with their first so I was excited that this time I could enjoy maternity leave and mummy dates with my friends.
Except I would go on Facebook and see that the 3 of them and their babies had been for lunch / to the zoo/ park/ swimming etc and I was really hurt.
One day after months of this happening and me repeatedly telling them I was free on which dates on our Whatsapp group chat I snapped... I actually screenshotted a picture of all of them on another day out and posted it on the group saying "Ahhh thanks for the invite again girls" and left it at that.
All of them were ringing me (even the mates without kids) to see if I was ok except one girl... actually my oldest friend, who met all of these ladies through me! Turns out she was the source of the problem and had been deliberately excluding me and stirring the pot with my other friends.
Unknown to me she'd been lying / excluding me deliberately for a year!
Apparently it's because I didn't make a huge fuss over her newborn? I bought him presents and went to see him but I had a newborn myself and a 5 year old that the same friend had barely ever seen so I didn't see what the big deal was? It was ridiculous really, her DH thought their newborn was more important than my second born because he was their first child and I didn't pay them due deference.

I would just confront the issue. I wish I'd done it sooner rather than letting it drag on for months and allowing my "friend" to lie and cause problems for so long.
It effectively ruined our group of friends though, I was so hurt that these women I have known for 15 years would believe my other "friend" that I'm not sure I'll ever feel the same about them again.

Worriedrose · 09/09/2017 09:19

Op that's really shitty I'm sorry. Can you perhaps text one of them and ask? Hopefully it wasn't done deliberately

Original poster
cailisto · 09/09/2017 20:30

Sorry. Had a busy busy day.
They've all got children around the same ages as mine, so they've not got the single or age-difference of children excuses.

I've commented in a very nice way (to see if they felt guilty) and one of them actually posted that it was too bad that I couldn't make it...WTAF???

If I say that I wasn't invited/didn't know, then that's going to make me look bad?

OP posts:
Original poster
cailisto · 09/09/2017 20:33

Winosaurus - that's so crappy. Sorry that happened to you xxx

I've had some shitty stuff done to me since getting pregnant and I'm coming to the stark realisation that I didn't choose some friends well in the past. One apparently very close friend was horrendous to me because I was pregnant and she wasn't (I'd been trying for over ten years by that point and she was in a fairly new relationship).

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 09/09/2017 20:35

Message the one who commented and said shame you couldn't make it and say I would have loved to go but I actually wasn't invited

carjacker1985 · 09/09/2017 20:35

They must have invited you if they've said that, or think that they have- would be pretty stupid thing to say otherwise. Is there a chance you missed a message or an email somewhere?

Heartofglass12345 · 09/09/2017 20:36

I would just come out and say it - i wouldve tried to make it if i was invited! Dont let them make you feel bad, you deserve better friends than that!

loobybear · 09/09/2017 20:36

I would reply but trying not to make it come across as passive-aggressive, just honest. Maybe something like 'I would have loved to have come but didn't realise. Definitely up for the next one though!'
Don't say anything about not being invited because that will put other on the defensive, just say you didn't know but would have been there if you did and would love to be there next time.

MrsHandles · 09/09/2017 20:36

No. You reply that you didn't know anything about it as that's the truth. Someone has told a porky pie about inviting you and they should be made to feel uncomfortable about the fact it's come out.

I felt sorry for you at first, OP, as it's a shitty thing to have done to you, but after your update I'm not cross on your behalf.

MrsHandles · 09/09/2017 20:37

Now cross, not not cross. Edit button please MN

Original poster
cailisto · 09/09/2017 20:47

Definitely no texts; no messages; no emails; no fb invites.
I was absolutely 100% not invited and not aware of it at all.

It sucks but I suppose it's helping me to alter my friendship groups further...

I def don't want to come across as passive-aggressive as I don't want to give them any ammo against me.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 09/09/2017 20:48

Could it be a misunderstanding? Could they have all thought someone else mentioned it to you? This happened to my friendship group once, we all thought someone else had told one person. We got a whattapp group after that!

Original poster
cailisto · 09/09/2017 20:48

I would have been there in a heartbeat if I'd been invited. Would have been nice to get out!

OP posts:
Original poster
cailisto · 09/09/2017 20:49

That's the thing that I'm wondering.
Do they all think that someone else told me?
Or did someone say that I couldn't come and is playing some odd game?

OP posts:
RochelleGoyle · 09/09/2017 20:50

That's shitty OP, I'm sorry. People can be so insensitive. Flowers Cake

Nomoresunshine · 09/09/2017 20:51

Call them out on it. . Better to know than continue to think they are your friends. .

Moanyoldcow · 09/09/2017 20:56

Reply to the comment and say you weren't invited. Then find out which of the bitches is excluding you (there'll be one) and make sure she knows you won't stand for her crap anymore.

I've been through this too. It's really horrible.

ChasedByBees · 09/09/2017 20:57

I think you need to say that you didn't know about it. You could say, "I would have loved to have been there. I didn't know about it though - perhaps I missed an email or text somehow? I wonder if there was a technical fail? I would love to come next time though!"

Not PA, just honest and gives whoever was responsible for invites a 'get out' clause and makes the others aware you want to be there.

Original poster
cailisto · 09/09/2017 21:01

ChasedbyBees - I'm going to use that one, thank you!

I'm doing well so far at not just lashing out (as I don't do fb dramas) but I'm hoping the after-some-wine version of me is still that restrained.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 09/09/2017 21:04

Great! It sucks, I've gone through the same thing a bit and it does sting.

Original poster
cailisto · 09/09/2017 21:06

Yeah, it's not a pleasant feeling/experience.
However - not going has meant that I've fully enjoyed a really busy, exciting day with the kids with no hangover.

Every cloud...

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 09/09/2017 21:20

That is a really shit thing to do. I quite like facebook but that situation seems to happen quite often, according to on here. Not sure what to suggest but been there Wine

Original poster
cailisto · 09/09/2017 21:30

Facebook is great, usually. I love it but it really hit me hard, seeing that.

OP posts:
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