Just say what you mean!

[Maryof1993]

I work shifts. So if DP wants to go out, he will need to know what I'm working. Simple.
So, I get asked 'what are you doing at the end of September?'.
So, I respond 'What do you mean? On the 30th?'
'No, on the 29th'
Why can't he just ask what I am working on the 29th? Why does it have to be a difficult extraction of information so I can be asked the correct question for him to receive the correct information that he needs to know?

Oh well. Never mind

And over on Dadsnet today there's someone asking"why can't DP just answer a straightforward question"

Ahhhh I struggle with this too OP (from my 5yo, though, so I try to be a bit more tolerant/helpful than I would if a partner!). YANBU.

Also, re the 'shift pattern' stuff. Agree OP's response to the question was not kind or polite, but actually it's not at all true to say "well if you're on a shift pattern, you must be on the same shift pattern at 'the end of Sept'". I used to have a shift pattern, I did early/late/early/late etc. By construction my shift on 29th would be different from the 30th!

My DP works shifts. I tend not to ask what he's doing on a specific day because if it's, say, a rest day, then he'll say "nothing". He could, however, have got in at 5am and will actually be sleeping that day. It wouldn't have hurt you to respond for what your shifts were in the last 3-4 days of October which would've answered his question and, possibly, provided alternatives for his plans.

You're being a dick.

It's too early for your level of rage OP.

It wouldn't have hurt you to respond for what your shifts were in the last 3-4 days of October which would've answered his question and, possibly, provided alternatives for his plans.

Absolutely. It's the OP's responsibility to provide as much extra information as possible, to anticipate her partner's needs. Her partner should not be expected to be specific.

Also ignoring the bitchiness

Yeah there is a lot of it about. It seems many people set the bar lower than they should when it comes to their men. A lot of arse wiping. It's disturbing

Going on the level of bitchyness about atm it's pretty obvious these perfect men aren't putting out as well ;)

It's a way of making people dance around you and do a lot of work. Demanding a list of info when you only need a specific piece, is making people guess what you want. Its passive aggressive.

Asking a general question is for when you want a general answer. If you want a specific answer then you have to ask a specific question.

It's a milder form of those annoying people that come out with statements that don't quite make sense in an attempt to get people to ask probing questions.

I think in this case though your oh may have been clumsily attempting to soften the blow of asking if he can go out.

Hahahahaha to the idea that random shifts is only on zero hours contract too. No midwife I know I'm my unit is on a 'shift pattern' unless they're on protected hours for childcare. My OH is nominally on 6 on 3 off but this changes all the time and at random so there's no way to predict.

Unless you've lived with someone like this you won't necessarily understand how irritating it is. Having to dig for all the correct information all the time so you can address whatever the issue was. "What are you doing in February" well when in February?? And why? Because if it's 'I've got leave, let's go away' I might rearrange a thing I've got pencilled, if it's 'I thought we might go and see my family for no reason' that's not enough to make me cancel work...

Then surely his question was valid? He would expect you to answer 'nights' or 'days' or something similar if your shifts follow a pattern.
Fair enough. I could have answered 'nights, earlies, lates or day off' and that would have answered his question.

Oh, and you should take it as a compliment if mumsnet decides you 'sound like hard work.'

It was a stupid way to ask the question, but why don't you have a calendar where all this stuff is written down? (If you do and he came ignored it, then YANB at all U)

Where is he going, shift depending? I can't rest until I have full closure on this.