to feel like I've thrown my life away?

[studentstudentstudentstudent]

I believe I have been dealing with depression for some time now, but have been trying to work through it, bar some therapy which hasn't been effective. I have also been having appointments with work occupational health about a similar condition but have been playing it down, and so I don't believe the full extent has been properly recognised or acknowledged.

In daily life, I am on a tough grad scheme with a big 4 firm which I have had to work hard to get onto to. Have a good degree from a top 10 uni, and achieved straight A*s/As at A level and GCSE - not boasting, I realise there are many who have achieved far more, just trying to paint a picture.

My work have been accommodating even though I really don't want to ask for special allowances. I took time out whilst at university (my job offer was therefore deferred), and they have let me take a couple of work exams at a later date than I should (this isn't really standard practice) and Im wary of being seen as lazy/odd one out/making a negative name for myself?

Long story short, I have a couple of work institute (v bloody important) exams in three days and have hit an impasse - genuinely feel like I know nothing, just want to cry and sleep (I know, not helpful!!!), want to die to be honest and just for this to go away. I will get sacked if I achieve below a certain mark - which is looking likely. I have almost made my peace with it.

This last year has been a tough one, with 7 exams taken and passed, and long hours worked and I have struggled to achieve a balance with everything. I am disappointed in myself that I am not where I want to be at, not the person who I want to be! If that makes sense?

If you are unwell you can't sit the exams. I'm almost sure you cannot be fired for being ill in this situation.

What would you like to happen?

I would like to continue with the exams but also to feel better within myself.

I do feel like I should at least sit them, I just feel numb and empty. This feeling is absolutely linked to exams - when Im busy at work, I almost don't have time to feel that way although it is draining. But exams give me a lot of thinking time and that's not always positive.

I know this is probably not helpful but do the exam.

If you fail it's not the end of the world. If you're sacked it's not the end of the world either. It might even be a blessing in disguise.

It was JK Rowling who said that rock bottom is a solid foundation to start rebuilding your life.

news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2008/06/text-of-j-k-rowling-speech/

I've linked the speech.

Do you know what is the cause of your depression?

Law is a career that asks for a huge amount of your time and energy, and is very high pressure. For me personally, i would hate to be in that sphere, and there are many other good jobs that allow for more fun and relaxation. Do you think the career is part off the problem? Or is the career something you enjoy and find rewarding but the depression getting in the way of that?

Are you sure you want to pursue this career path? Because there a huge range of options between this level of stressful job and throwing your life away. Being bright enough to get top qualifications and pass exams is only one element of doing those roles. An incredibly high level of mental resilience is just as, if not even more crucial, and if you're not cut out for it, there is no shame in that whatsoever. It sounds like hell to me and like it's making you feel like a failure when out of the context of that career path, you could be enjoying yourself doing something fulfilling that doesn't make you feel this way.

In the short term, is your depression being medicated? Can you see a GP about some meds to help you through the exam stress? But longer term I'd seriously think about taking your foot off the pedal and doing something else. It doesn't mean throwing your life away at all. Even if you switched to the public sector for instance, you could be in a rewarding environment but without such ultra-competitiveness and paranoia about your performance ingrained in the culture.

Studentstudent you sound like you are feeling the fear as these are important exams. You also sound like you are a perfectionist and extremely capable.

My advice is - I bet you know much more than you (currently) think you so and you'll better than you are (currently) worrying about. This is because the potential ramifications of not passing these exams are weighing on you and clouding your thought processes.

Speak now to your people manager so that they are aware of how you feel. If your people manager is not someone whom you think will provide you with the timely advice you need call a friendly partner (your business leader?) Support and guidance now is more valuable than coming out of an exam and retrospectively thinking you've failed.

Separately don't down play how you feel with occupational health. I fully understand why you've chosen to but they are there to help, and can't, if you don't bring them in to help. This is extremely common behaviour with high performing perfectionists!! In my experience of the big four they will do everything they can to support their graduates, but you are right they are tough exams.

Hope this helps a bit. Deep breaths. Ask for help from wiser supportive colleagues. And good luck!!

First of all, if you suffer from depression, you're not asking for special allowances. You're asking for a level playing field with other candidates who don't have the same health condition. Don't feel bad about that!

Two further thoughts. Firstly, it sounds as thought these exams come with an awful lot of pressure: being sacked if you don't make the grade is VERY harsh. I don't know anyone who wouldn't feel anxious/worried/preoccupied by such a zero-sum setup. I suspect what you are describing is quite a normal, natural reaction to an intensely stressful situation.

Secondly, it might be worth having a think about whether this really is the route for you. I don't mean in the sense that you can't do it - you clearly are very bright and incredibly able, and your firm are more than lucky to have an employee as dedicated as you are. I mean in the sense of - does this really make you happy? It sounds almost as though failure would be a relief for you. Perhaps there is something more in there that is worth exploring when you are under less pressure and have a bit of time.

Finally, a thought from my grand old perspective of being in my late 30s: life chucks a curve ball at you sometimes, however prepared and able you are. Sometimes that curve ball feels like a humiliating or awful event, but turns out to be a new and amazing beginning. There is ALWAYS another path, always another choice and no one way to be happy. Whatever happens, you will find your way.

Professional exams are very stressful. It's easy to become overwhelmed with them especially when you're working lots of hours too.
Can you defer the exams this time?

No, they have already been deferred actually.

PM me if you like as have been in your situation

You haven't thrown your life away. Ifor you don't pass these exams and even if you do, I would look into applying to a smaller firm where the pressure isn't so immense.

The big four are not all there is out there and there are successful careers to be had elsewhere where the pressure isn't as high. Good luck.

I'd add too - in the exceptionally unlikely event you did fail by that sufficient amount that put you in the picture for being let go, there is sometimes scope to negotiate to do the exams again and not being terminated. Depends on firm and which part of the business you're in but sometimes this is a possibility.

For those who do have to leave, as difficult as it is at the time, you will typically find it a bit of a blessing in disguise. You would almost certainly be able to move to one of the other firms to continue on with exams or use it as an opportunity to change into something else.

After your exams are over (don't get distracted now!) I'd encourage you to take a look over a book called 'the curse of the strong' by Tim cantopher. Even if you don't have depression I still think you might find this if help somewhere down the line. Best wishes

You sound youngish - a couple of years after completing degree, so early twenties?

The trouble is that we are given the false impression at school/Uni and through social media, that success should come easyish to those who work hard and aim high; that everyone should aspire to have a fantastic life and career.

The truth is that careers take years to build and so does earning a decent income. And then you may decide you don't like a particular career path anyway, then start another one. You've got years to find your way in life and it TAKES TIME. You need to just do your best and not worry about it too much. If you don't pass these exams, see if you can re-sit them. If you can't re-sit, look for other opportunities. You may pass them and then hate the job you are in.

It sounds like you are expecting success a little early and wearing yourself out working for it and worrying about it. You will look back at the point of your life in the future and these worries and the exams will seem like little insignificant blips. If you have depression, then it won't seem like that now I know. I know that all of this is easier said than done.

I think you might find that you'll do better than you're expecting. Right now, you're exhausted and anxious, understandably, but you're obviously very bright and an asset to the company.

If it's too much, you will need to be honest about your level of stress, I think it might be that rather than full-blown depression. A lot of people feel like that in your situation. My DH went through exams in order to become chartered as a civil engineer. He ended up going down with chicken pox and he was badly affected for long afterwards. But he came through it. (It was long before I met him tbh.)

As PPs have said, there are less stressful jobs available, so if you're really not enjoying it a rethink is a good idea.

I think what winniewonders has written is very wise

Talk to someone in HC as soon as you can. I'm at one of the big 4 firms and know the consequences of not making people aware of any possible issues until after the exams have been sat.

Do your exams.

Are you currently unwell? If so get better.

When better I suggest strongly you pause and have a jolly good think ( a coach might be helpful) about where you want to be in life and to assess whether or nor work/ academic success etc is impacting on your health.

Earning loads and being employed by a big 4 isn't the be all and end all.

I may be projecting a little. I too work in a competitive field. My colleague and I are all high achievers. We work for one of the "best" organisations and have struggled to get our jobs. However, things are tough for our industry at the moment and lots of people both within and outwith my organisation are struggling with work-life balance. Getting it wrong is tipping people into anxiety/ depression.

I personally have decided (but not always managed to enact it) that my health, life, family and friends are more important than career success. I am now actively turning down opportunities. I'm still earning well but you won't read about me in the newspapers or trade press anymore.

Life is too short to be miserable. Life also has a way of making us reassess our priorities from time to time. Look at what you have achieved, excellent grades, good degree, valuable work experience and some professional qualifications. That's great. But if the current work situation is making you so unhappy then is it not time for a change? There is nothing wrong with simply wanting a better work/life balance. I had terrible anxiety doing Masters (sponsored by work) so I sympathize. I would see your GP and manager. Sometimes just saying to someone, I'm not coping, is a relief in itself. If work are supportive they will help you find a practical way through this. But I would also take a step back and consider what is really important to you. I was very much work, work, work. Then I had DD, work suddenly just wasn't as important any more. I now have a good job which fits in with my life rather than craming my life around my job.

Are you going into your second or third year? Are these your first or second block of professional stage exams?

You probably know more than you think. You've been to college. You've revised. You're clever. Focus on exam technique now.

If you do bad fail then it isn't actually the end of the world - you can most likely get a job with a mid tier firm or have a think about something else you might like to do.

To be honest as a PP says strong mental resilience is very important when working at the big 4. The training pace is fast. The client deliverables are tough. You often feel under resourced and over stretched. You are constantly being pulled in multiple directions.

In exam season I wouldn't expect to find any sort of work life balance TBH. It's work. Revise. Repeat. I used to treat myself with a 10pm gym visit as my balance! Oh and nice dinners.

For exam time I recommend stocking up on healthy tasty ready meals like the M&S ones or sign up for Everdine. That made a big difference to me knowing I had a tasty healthy meal that could be ready in the microwave in 8 mins.

I have been in a similar position to you except in my case it wasn't exam-related but I was very stressed and (with hindsight, I didn't realise at the time) a bit depressed and just generally not enjoying life.
I ended up leaving a role in a very sought-after career. As soon as I gave in my notice I felt an enormous weight off my shoulders. I had 6 weeks off and then did a bit of contract work followed by a sideways move into a different sort of role (much less sought after) which I've been in ever since. I would never in a million years have thought I would do this. I have thought about what happened a lot since then so here are some thoughts which might be relevant to you (there were some other factors specific to my industry and my personal life).
-If you are the sort of person who has always succeeded (top exam grades etc), you don't always develop the coping strategies to deal with the working world where it's not always possible to be 100% successful - eg in my industry it was inevitable that there would be some unsatisfactory outcomes.
-If you are in the sort of career where you have to choose it at around 16 to get the work experience, choose the right subjects etc, I don't think it's possible to know for sure what you want to do at such a young age.
-I think for high-flying people career/job can be very bound up with identity, family/friends expectations etc and so when it's not going well it can be very hard to deal with or admit to.
-Ultimately I agree with posters above that it's worth considering whether actually you like/suit your job and just need some help with the depression, or whether you are actually not well suited to your role and need to have a rethink.

Are you sure this is what you want to be doing? I ask because I went through a patch in my early 20s of being very down about the fact that I was 'failing' because I didn't have a bright city career. I actually had a very good job and was successful for my age BUT had lived for a long time with the message that bright grammar school kids get good degrees (check) and then go on to stellar careers in the city and to not have done that was failure.

It took some counselling to make me realise that that wasn't who I was and I would have absolutely hated it.

I suppose what I'm saying is that we spend a long time at work, so do make sure it's the work you really want to be doing.

You've had a hell of a lot of pressure over the years. Getting those grades and placements is a huge amount of work. You've done really well so far so take a moment to be proud of your previous hard work.

Now these exams. Obviously you want to pass them, and it is worth at least trying.

However, if you don't pass, so what? Really. You have a long life ahead, there will be many curves and twists, unexpected success, painful failure. I know all those terribly naff quotes are annoying, but we do learn more from our failures than our success.

I'm nearly 50! Gosh that's gone quick. Like you, I was pretty high achieving. But life events have meant that I have spent several years in low paid but really interesting and challenging jobs, been a single parent, travelled the world, had quite a lot of fun, did a PhD, now trying to set up my own business. Plenty of failures on the way! Some I even cringe about now. But they do build resilience.

In some ways, failing might really help you to reevaluate some things and take a different route. It's always, always going forward, just maybe on a different train than expected!

I'm a senior manager in a big 4. PM me and I'll help you have these conversations with your managers. We expect a lot but we give a lot too.

Thank you for all the kind offers