to feel like I've thrown my life away?

[studentstudentstudentstudent]

I believe I have been dealing with depression for some time now, but have been trying to work through it, bar some therapy which hasn't been effective. I have also been having appointments with work occupational health about a similar condition but have been playing it down, and so I don't believe the full extent has been properly recognised or acknowledged.

In daily life, I am on a tough grad scheme with a big 4 firm which I have had to work hard to get onto to. Have a good degree from a top 10 uni, and achieved straight A*s/As at A level and GCSE - not boasting, I realise there are many who have achieved far more, just trying to paint a picture.

My work have been accommodating even though I really don't want to ask for special allowances. I took time out whilst at university (my job offer was therefore deferred), and they have let me take a couple of work exams at a later date than I should (this isn't really standard practice) and Im wary of being seen as lazy/odd one out/making a negative name for myself?

Long story short, I have a couple of work institute (v bloody important) exams in three days and have hit an impasse - genuinely feel like I know nothing, just want to cry and sleep (I know, not helpful!!!), want to die to be honest and just for this to go away. I will get sacked if I achieve below a certain mark - which is looking likely. I have almost made my peace with it.

This last year has been a tough one, with 7 exams taken and passed, and long hours worked and I have struggled to achieve a balance with everything. I am disappointed in myself that I am not where I want to be at, not the person who I want to be! If that makes sense?

OP

Have you thought that maybe you feel depressed because you actually don't want to do a Big 4 job with all that goes with it?

I worked in the City in my 20s. In some ways (eg professionally) it was a great experience but it was not something conducive to what I would consider a rounded well balanced life.

It took me to 5 years post qualification to really realise that I hated it. It's tricky to really come to that realisation when there are lots of perks (£££, lots of facilities, foreign travel, the culture of working in the City) to incentivise you.

At the end of the day though I found that no incentives could compensate for spending most of my waking hours doing something I found (a) stressful and (b) meaningless, in the company of a load of other people who were stressed and miserable for similar reasons.

If you're on a grad scheme, I'm guessing you're in your 20s. Of course you haven't thrown your life away. In fact this might well be the point from which in the future you date your deeper understanding of life beginning!

Good luck.