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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I genuinely don't know if i ABU

32 replies

babybubblescomingsoon · 08/09/2017 09:06

I was visiting my parents in my hometown last weekend, it was the last time for a while because I'm moving to another country with DP.

My sister and I have always been very close and I wanted to catch up with her that weekend. Her DP and I get on but he is a pretty nasty character, will always swear loudly around my parents (they're not prudes but they appreciate a bit of respect when they take him out for dinner). We arranged that I would text her on the Sunday evening and we would do something.

Sunday evening comes and I text asking if she wants to do something, her reply 'who do you mean?' I said just the two of us because we haven't seen each other for 6 months and I'm about to move away. I told my DP that I want to see her alone for a while and he settled himself with DF and a beer to watch the football. No problems. Her reply was 'well I can't abandon my DP, he's been at work all day and I've not seen him'. They do live together and will continue to do so. They see each other all the time and had also spent the Saturday together all day. She then texted my DM and the conversation went as follows:
Dsis: Hi, what are you up to?
Dm: nothing, what about you?
Dsis: nothing
Dm: why don't you do something with baby , she leaves tomorrow?
Dsis: I'm busy Hmm
AIBU to think that she could have taken some time away from him to spend with me? Or AIBU to want to see her alone before I leave? Dsis texted yesterday asking why I haven't FaceTime'd lately because she misses me.

OP posts:
Original poster
babybubblescomingsoon · 08/09/2017 09:07

I should add that I normally have no problem with her DP being there, I just would have appreciated some one on one time with my sister before I left.

OP posts:
RhubardGin · 08/09/2017 09:13

I don't think YABU.

I also have a sister that I'm extremely close with and I would be really upset if she had that attitude.

Is it possible her DP is quite controlling and isn't happy with her going out?

I would phone her and explain you would really appreciate some one on one time with her before you leave and how important it is for you.

Original poster
babybubblescomingsoon · 08/09/2017 09:17

rhubard I don't think it is that, she has a great social life and often sees people without him. I have heard her tell him from the next room over (so they didn't know I could hear) that she wanted to go for a drink with a friend and he just said 'yeah sounds good'

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2017 09:17

I would suspect a controlling partner too and she isn't allowed out with you on her own!

Ttbb · 08/09/2017 09:21

This is clearly just a bit of an issue for her.

steppemum · 08/09/2017 09:22

if you are about to go overseas for a while, it is really important you sort this out with your sister.

Talk to her, I would chose a time when her DP is out. Tell her you feel hurt that she didn't make time to see you when it was the last time before you leave. Ask her is she is OK?

However the conversation goes, try and finish it in a good way, or else speak to her again before you leave.

It is really important to leave well.

RhubardGin · 08/09/2017 09:24

What steppemum said.

Don't leave on a bad note with your DSis.

Could it be that she's having a hard time about you leaving?

Original poster
babybubblescomingsoon · 08/09/2017 09:31

We've spoken about it but she doesn't seem to understand. She just idolises any man she's ever with and always puts them before anyone else. She isn't having a hard time about be leaving, I moved to London away from her when I was 18 so it's not too big of a change.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 08/09/2017 09:31

Your Sister sounds cross with you I don't think you are going to find out why unless you ask her she is seething or in the huff about something ask her

Original poster
babybubblescomingsoon · 08/09/2017 09:35

Mrs I don't think she is Cross at all. She texted yesterday asking if I'm done being upset because she misses me calling her. (She could have called me but that's a whole new thread) I think she just genuinely doesn't understand what
I might be upset about.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 08/09/2017 09:38

So she is just self absorbed then that is a real shame,

TheDodgyEnd · 08/09/2017 09:39

Sorry OP from what you've said it sounds like she'd just rather just be with her bloke than you. She'll regret it though, after you've moved away and it sinks in. YANBU- I think she's a bit out of order, especially with the 'are you done being upset' comments

RhubardGin · 08/09/2017 09:48

I'm a bit confused as there seems to be two seperate issues going on.

Your DSis not seeming bothered about wanting to see you before you go and the other that you don't like your DSis's DP.

I don't think this situation has anything to do with the DP, or have I read it wrong?

DanHumphreyIsA · 08/09/2017 09:52

YANBU to want to spend some time with her. It sounds as if in the past, family get togethers have always included both of them?So maybe she's just feeling arsy and why should she put her DP out now.

It doesn't automatically say he's controlling, if she has her own social life anyway tbh (unless there is a backstory with DP, thats also another thread lol).

Does she have the tendency to want the spotlight at all? Maybe shes annoyed that you'll be getting some attention because you're going off to an exciting life in a new country, and she doesn't want to be one of the people giving you any attention for it!

I dont have dsis but I have 'friends' like this, who refuse or take their time getting involved with anything positive in my life until they've done something to 'match' if that makes sense

Sayyouwill · 08/09/2017 09:53

Tell your sis that she had an opportunity to see you, she chose not to. Tell her that this has hurt you and clearly shows how little she values you. Then leave it there. If she realises her mistake and apologises, I'd happily accept and move on, if not, she clearly is too wrapped up in her DP to care about you ATM

RhubardGin · 08/09/2017 09:54

If it's that she can't leave her DP for one evening to see her DSis before she emigrates that's really shitty behaviour.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/09/2017 09:58

'Done being upset'?!

Ah right. So the background to this is, she feels like she can treat you like shit. Really, that's all you need to know. Yep you might be really close etc., no outward issues - but the bottom line is, your dynamic is such that she doesn't feel that she has to show you basic consideration. She's the taker, you're the giver. She's the shoe - you're the shit!

So - the reason she didn't take the trouble to spend time with you alone that weekend is because she didn't feel like it. Your feelings don't come into it. Maybe she and BF had had a row that week and they were in making-up mode. Maybe she felt tired. Maybe there was something on the tv she really wanted to watch. Whatever. Point is - if SHE had been in 'Oh my fab sister, really wanna spend time with her' mode, she would have made time. But only you wanted to right then, so fuck that. Now she's back to wanting FaceTime and sending pointed messages about you sulking. All About Her.

Now's a good time to change this, if you're moving. I'd ignore a few messages. Then 'Sorry, really busy with the move - that's why I wanted to spend some time with you last weekend. 'Done being upset'? - that sounds quite rude actually sis, don't speak to me like that, ok? You were too busy on the weekend, I didn't give you a hard time about it. We'll talk soon'.

Now - that is what a sister who REALLY had a close relationship would be able to send. I am betting my bum that you will be saying 'If I send her that, it'll be WW3'.

MargaretTwatyer · 08/09/2017 10:04

Be honest, were you intending to use this one on one time to complain about her partner or urge her to dump him?

She may have felt that 'one on one' time was an excuse to give her earache she didn't want to listen to. I suspect as you were talking about no partners she might have suspected this.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 08/09/2017 10:05

YANBU. But I wonder if her reaction is subconscious anger that you are "abandoning" her to move overseas with your DP. We had similar reactions from some friends when we went to OZ - really close friends who didn't want us to go. Sort of a self protection from the loss they feel is coming when u leave.

Original poster
babybubblescomingsoon · 08/09/2017 10:07

Yes rhubard it's just that she refused to leave her DP for just a few hours because I wanted to see her alone. fizzy when she texted saying 'I've you FaceTime'ing me' I just responded saying , 'well I've missed actually being able to see you' she still hasn't gotten the message. Confused it's a shame but she's always been a bit like this, dropping whoever for a man. And I've had enough this time.

OP posts:
saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 08/09/2017 10:08

Posted too soon. Interesting that she used the word "abandon" - i really think she feels you are abandoning her whereas her DP is not, IFYSWIM?

Original poster
babybubblescomingsoon · 08/09/2017 10:23

salt i don't think so. I left home to go to boarding school at 14 and never moved back, we're used to being apart so I don't think she'd feel abandoned if that makes sense?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 08/09/2017 10:29

Dont tell me....she drops everything and everyone for the latest man in her life and when she is single, complains that she has no friends and nothing to do?

Had a friend like, dropped in and out of her friends lives depending on whether she was with someone. She would get involved in his social circle and drop her own. Eventually we all got fed up with it and she accused us all of "dumping" her. I am sure that she still does it and still doesnt see that the problem is her and not everyone else.

She was/is also one of those people who fake an interest in the latest loves hobbies, so despite always saying that she hated football, she would suddenly announce that she had in fact been a lifelong fan of whatever team the latest bloke supported or suddenly be a keen runner/cyclist/trainspotter, had loved his favourie band for ages......you get the idea Hmm

lljkk · 08/09/2017 10:44

Your mom shouldn't have shared that text convo with you, it's achieved nothing good.
The DSIS is an adult. She made her choices. Let it go.

Original poster
babybubblescomingsoon · 08/09/2017 11:12

lljkk Hmm

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