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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to my brother's wedding?

46 replies

ForagingForFaerieGold · 07/09/2017 22:59

Quick background.

My brother and I don't talk to each other. No big falling out or anything, just a 14yr age gap and no common ground or interest in each other. All "communication" goes through our mother (whether we are interested or not lol) I assume, but don't know for sure I suppose, that it's the same for him anyway. He's certainly never sent me or DD (or later, DH) a single birthday or Christmas card in his life. (We used to, but have given up bothering in the last few years)
Yet he apparently complained to our mum when I failed to send a card on the birth of his child (not that he was the one who told me he was having a child or that she had been born. Mum told me of course) Said he was "hurt"
And this from the man who didn't even send a measley thank you text when I "lent" him £7000 for a new car.
I'm not "hurt" by him. I honestly don't expect anything else from him. I never gave it a thought until he started complaining about me.
You can see I don't hold him in particularly high esteem. Frankly he's a twat IMO. and for more reasons than this but we don't have all day so I'll move on.

I'm in pretty bad health and suffer from social anxiety, so a big wedding with a lot of strangers will be quite stressful for me. I barely know the fiancee and have never met any of her family (who sound like a nightmare if my mum is to be believed and I have no reason to doubt her) very few of our family have been invited and I anticipate being pretty much left to fend for myself. Transport and accommodation are also a problem. In short, I would be putting myself out quite a bit to attend an event where frankly I doubt the main protagonists (Bride and groom) would even care if I didn't go.

Only my mum wants me there, and has pretty much guilted me into agreeing to go. She's trying to force a relationship that simply doesn't exist. She's been trying to do this forwhile now. Bro came to my wedding (under duress I now have no doubt) but it cost him nothing to do so. Not even a card lol)

He hasn't invited us. He hasn't even spoken to me about it I actually have no idea if he wants us there at all. All the pressure is coming from my mum. She doesn't seem to take my health problems or anxiety seriously at all so not much point going down that road with her.

Truth is, I really don't want to go, but should I just suck it up and make the effort? Especially since he DID come to mine and I have said I will now. I guess it's just one day and maybe I am allowing my resentment at being pressured to affect my judgement.
I'm dreading it tbh.
Oh, Wedding is in October. So there's still time to pull out, although I appreciate it's not great.

If I'm NOT BU, any suggestions on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
jay55 · 07/09/2017 23:03

If he hasnt actually invited you, then surely you wouldn't just turn up?

MaidOfStars · 07/09/2017 23:04

But you haven't been invited? You can't just turn up so why is this a choice you are angsting over?

Sounds shit and you have my sympathies, but I don't see the problem.

He hasn't invited you.
You don't want to go.

Your Mum can't decide to invite people/pressure people to turn up!?!

Nicknacky · 07/09/2017 23:04

So basically you just aren't close? In that case I would go. Communication is key and you both need to make an effort if you want any relationship and this could be the make or break of that.

I don't think I sent my sister a physical invitation as I kinda assumed she knew she was invited and I wasn't wasting the money on the invitation!!

SouthWindsWesterly · 07/09/2017 23:04

TBH if he hasn't invited you, don't go. It would be very impolite to do so. Eat some slightly dodgy out of date food if needs be and feign food poisoning.

And please say he gave your £7K back

Silverthorn · 07/09/2017 23:07

Erm. Maybe find out if you're actually included on the guest list? Would be embarrassing to turn up and not have a seat at the table.
No obligation to attend an actual invite. It's not a summons.
Bit sad you don't get along with your bro and have never met his fiancée.
Also LOL stands for laugh out loud not a wry grin.

SmitheringSmithison · 07/09/2017 23:08

Aside from the fact that you don't want to, he hasn't invited you anyway so of course yanbu to not go. Understandable that your mum wants you there, also that she's disappointed by the lack of relationship between the two of you but by sounds of it you tried, sounds to me like she knows your the one who is more malleable therefore it's easier to push at you to keep flogging a dead horse as your more likely to do as she wishes.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2017 23:08

You are a grown woman, you suffer from health issues, and you don't want to go - it's high time you stand up to your mother and tell her in plain English that you are NOT GOING. Yes, she may wish you had a relationship with your brother, but you don't. She will get over it, I assure you. After all, you weren't even invited!!

Original poster
ForagingForFaerieGold · 07/09/2017 23:08

Hi. Sorry wasn't clear. He's been told I'm coming. Not sure whether he was given a choice or not. Actually the parents paid it back. No idea if he's paid them or not

OP posts:
user1496259972 · 07/09/2017 23:08

You've just summed up the relationship I have with my brother tho slightly less of an age gap.

If you don't receive an invite (it's next month surely invites go out at least 6 weeks before) I would assume you haven't actually been invited. So that would be exactly what you tell your Mum.

I'm dying to know if you got your £7k back too!!!

tillytown · 07/09/2017 23:10

Go to the ceremony, leave before the party bit?

Original poster
ForagingForFaerieGold · 07/09/2017 23:12

I HAVE tried yes. I even told my mother that and that it had been a one way street that I was fed up of. Guess you're all right. I need to say no this time

OP posts:
Donttouchthethings · 07/09/2017 23:15

From what you describe, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't go. You don't get a happy life from making unhappy choices.

GreenTulips · 07/09/2017 23:18

Stop and ask yourself one Question

Do I want to go? No

That's it don't go

Stop pleasing your mothers she's hardly helping the situation is she? She appears to love being the messenger.

I hope you told your mother it's one way, but I suppose as he's a boy he doesn't need to send cards or remember birthdays or show some interest when your kids were born?

Tell your mother she's raised a selfish man

Original poster
ForagingForFaerieGold · 07/09/2017 23:19

I1d considered being too ill to go. Its definitely the least confrontational way of handling it. Hmmmm

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 07/09/2017 23:20

I totally feel your pain. My MIL has been trying to force a relationship between my DH and his sister and all feels so fake. No one talks to each other just MIL passing messages.

BUT a wedding is an occasion to bring a family together, mend fences etc. If you wanted to this could be the step closer...personally I wouldn't bother.

annandale · 07/09/2017 23:20

I would go to please my mother. So many older parents wish mainly for their children to get on. You don't, nothing to be done about that, but showing up for the big occasions at least says you are willing to do something for her.

OliviaStabler · 07/09/2017 23:21

Don't go. Your Mum is flogging a dead horse with your relationship with your brother and you need to tell her if has to stop.

Can you imagine the fallout if you turn up univited and uncatered for?

Sandsunsea · 07/09/2017 23:28

You might not want to go but do you think you would ever regret not going? It might be better to regret going than regret not going iyswim

Original poster
ForagingForFaerieGold · 07/09/2017 23:31

I'm given to understand I am expected so that wouldn't happen but, as has been said further up, I don't want to go so perhaps I just shouldn't. After all these years I doubt my turning up is really going to fix things. We don't hate each other, we can be perfectly civil but... there's just nothing there. I can't fix it. And I'm fed up trying.
I am glad I'm not BU. Thank you. Smile. I've pretty much decided not to go. It strikes me as a pointless exercise tbh

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 07/09/2017 23:38

I'd be 'ill'. But then I'd have expected an actual invitation.

Or you could just call him and ask him if he'd like you to come?

gingergenius · 07/09/2017 23:44

If you haven't been invited, he doesn't make the effort to stay in touch, younthink he's a twat and you're only doing it to make your mum feel better then don't go.

I have a similar problem with my DB. Married twice but not invited eithervtome. No idea why he rejected me. He makes overtures of friendship to which I respond, only for him to decide he's not up for meeting. He's not only done this to me but hurt my kids in the process.

Sometimes we just have to accept that just because they're family, it doesn't mean our siblings are good, kind, balanced people. And sometimes we just have to say 'fuck it, I'm doing what's right for me'.
Your mum, bless her, wants her children to play nice. But you're all grown up, so it's very unlikely to happen.

Don't go if it doesn't feel right. It's totally your call. X

RiseToday · 07/09/2017 23:53

I would take the high road and text him/call/facebook whatever and ask him directly if you're invited? Say there is no pressure, whatever he decides is fine by you, but that you feel a little uncomfortable that you have been invited by proxy (mother!) and would like to check before you turn up at a wedding that you have not been officially invited to by the people getting married!

Gauge his response. If he's ambivalent then I wouldn't bother but if he seems keen then I would make the effort and go and then just let nature take it's course. If you drift further apart after the wedding so be it, but at least you made the effort!

Mittens1969 · 08/09/2017 00:04

You're not close to him, which is sad but that's how it is. You suffer from anxiety, as I do, and this is a stress you could do without. I think you should just make your own decision and not let yourself be pressured by your DM.

Siblings don't always get on. I'm not talking to my DB and that doesn't look like changing anytime soon.

CoughLaughFart · 08/09/2017 00:23

Pure nosiness, but why would you lend someone you barely see £7k?

NannyRed · 08/09/2017 00:30

If you're not invited it's not worth thinking about.

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