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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to my brother's wedding?

46 replies

ForagingForFaerieGold · 07/09/2017 22:59

Quick background.

My brother and I don't talk to each other. No big falling out or anything, just a 14yr age gap and no common ground or interest in each other. All "communication" goes through our mother (whether we are interested or not lol) I assume, but don't know for sure I suppose, that it's the same for him anyway. He's certainly never sent me or DD (or later, DH) a single birthday or Christmas card in his life. (We used to, but have given up bothering in the last few years)
Yet he apparently complained to our mum when I failed to send a card on the birth of his child (not that he was the one who told me he was having a child or that she had been born. Mum told me of course) Said he was "hurt"
And this from the man who didn't even send a measley thank you text when I "lent" him £7000 for a new car.
I'm not "hurt" by him. I honestly don't expect anything else from him. I never gave it a thought until he started complaining about me.
You can see I don't hold him in particularly high esteem. Frankly he's a twat IMO. and for more reasons than this but we don't have all day so I'll move on.

I'm in pretty bad health and suffer from social anxiety, so a big wedding with a lot of strangers will be quite stressful for me. I barely know the fiancee and have never met any of her family (who sound like a nightmare if my mum is to be believed and I have no reason to doubt her) very few of our family have been invited and I anticipate being pretty much left to fend for myself. Transport and accommodation are also a problem. In short, I would be putting myself out quite a bit to attend an event where frankly I doubt the main protagonists (Bride and groom) would even care if I didn't go.

Only my mum wants me there, and has pretty much guilted me into agreeing to go. She's trying to force a relationship that simply doesn't exist. She's been trying to do this forwhile now. Bro came to my wedding (under duress I now have no doubt) but it cost him nothing to do so. Not even a card lol)

He hasn't invited us. He hasn't even spoken to me about it I actually have no idea if he wants us there at all. All the pressure is coming from my mum. She doesn't seem to take my health problems or anxiety seriously at all so not much point going down that road with her.

Truth is, I really don't want to go, but should I just suck it up and make the effort? Especially since he DID come to mine and I have said I will now. I guess it's just one day and maybe I am allowing my resentment at being pressured to affect my judgement.
I'm dreading it tbh.
Oh, Wedding is in October. So there's still time to pull out, although I appreciate it's not great.

If I'm NOT BU, any suggestions on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

ForagingForFaerieGold · 08/09/2017 00:31

CoughLaughFart My mum asked me to. Yes I know, I know. I'm a pushover.

OP posts:

TheBigPickle · 08/09/2017 01:03

I'd go and I'd hang out with my Mum. I wouldn't bring your DH or your DC - I'd just go on my own and not overthink it.

AntiHop · 08/09/2017 01:31

Given what you've said, your mum might want you there for support. So I'd go for that reason.

ImAGoner · 08/09/2017 01:31

I agree with RiseToday... the situation is murky and dim, but with this, you'll at least know if there's a point in trying and then you can choose from there

ittakes2 · 08/09/2017 09:38

Why don't you pick up the phone and talk to him? Sort it out once and for all. My husband and did brother have a 15 year gap and they are very close - age gaps are not really the issue.

Donttouchthethings · 08/09/2017 09:57

I don't think it's on to feign illness at the last moment when people are paying for meals and arranging seating. It's their special day and I'm sure they don't need any more to think about. It just muddies the water yet again and is unnecessary. Either give them good notice or go and be gracious.

Boatmistress17 · 08/09/2017 10:02

Take the occasion as a great way to remind your dm you are actually an adult capable of making her own choices!
And you choose to stay home and mn!!
With us and
Makes for a better time surely!?

ILoveMillhousesDad · 08/09/2017 10:03

I agree it's nothing to do with the age gap. There is 16 years between my eldest sister and youngest brother and they are close.

If you think he is a twat, then that's a different matter.

Beadieeye · 08/09/2017 10:05

Is your mum keen for you to go, to offer her support? Would she be on her own if you don't go?
I can see no other reason why you should go. It's not worth stressing yourself out over especially if you're prone to anxiety. It's ok to say 'no'. Just make sure they know you won't be going, rather than just not showing on the day.

thecatsthecats · 08/09/2017 10:10

My brother is 14 years older, actually lives closest to me out of all my siblings (15m drive, the rest are hours away), but we see each other the least. He's very 'personable' and kind when you meet him, but scratch the surface even a bit, and you'll find a very bitter misogynist. My mum doesn't know this or turns a blind eye because of her guilt about his abusive father. I just let her imagine we have a normal relationship.

Blood relationships are not all they're cracked up to be, OP. Let this one go, and state very calmly to your mum that it's not a workable relationship.

AngeloMysterioso · 08/09/2017 10:12

If he hasn't invited you then don't go... seems pretty obvious to me!

StayAChild · 08/09/2017 10:35

I'm a bit on the fence here. I can understand your reluctance. I have 2 siblings that I have very little in common with. In your case I think for just one day I would suck it up for a few reasons: Mum's feelings; it looks bad to the finance's family if your brother's sister doesn't go and if you don't go, there's no coming back from the fact that you have disowned him on his wedding day.

My brothers are useless at communicating. I wouldn't particularly expect an invitation from them either - more a presumption that I'd be going. Also, my own 2 DC often communicate through me and I do wonder how close they would be if I wasn't in the picture.They were so close as kids and I would be upset if they drifted apart, but what will be will be. I feel a little sorry for your Mum in the situation. Hope you make the best decision for you

Original poster

ForagingForFaerieGold · 08/09/2017 12:06

Hi everyone.
No my mum doesn't need me there for support. She'll be with her DH and all her focus will be on my Bro anyway. He's the younger one in this case. She's probably more concerned about what the fiancee's family will think. Although I hadn't thought of that myself. I'm actually not at all concerned with that. I honestly don't care what a bunch of strangers think of me. But she cares about that stuff. I should have seen it sooner.
I agree in a way that giving some notice would be better. I had considered being I'll on the day but wasn't sure about it. Now I'm a bit torn again. Although my health issues are often exacerbated by stress and it may happen that way anyway even if I decided to actually go. Wouldn't be the first time.
I will consider talking to my Bro. He's not hateful, just a Prima Donna and a selfish sod. IMO anyway. I'm aware others see it differently .
I don't think he's ever put himself out for another person in his entire life. But maybe I missed it.
Mum tells me he's grown up now. Maybe so, but I havent seen any evidence of it. And it's too little too late for me if he has.

OP posts:

Original poster

ForagingForFaerieGold · 08/09/2017 12:13

she knows your the one who is more malleable therefore it's easier to push at you to keep flogging a dead horse as your more likely to do as she wishes

^^
This.

Also I'm a woman and she expects more from me solely on those grounds.

OP posts:

Ghostontoast · 08/09/2017 12:18

Was that £7,000 that you lent to pay for the wedding?

GreenTulips · 08/09/2017 12:31

Well she can tell the brides family that he didn't send you an invite

Original poster

ForagingForFaerieGold · 08/09/2017 12:50

Ghostontoast no it was some years ago for a car he wanted. I'm too poor these days to do stuff like that.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/09/2017 12:54

I would call brother up and ask if you are actually invited as you haven't received an invite? If you are then you can then send your regret at not being able to attend and cut out the middle woman...

Mumoftwinsandanother · 08/09/2017 14:01

I'd probably take a different approach to the majority here OP and I'd go. Even if you don't get on with DB doesn't sound like there is open animosity between you and his family (you just don't know them). I'd suck it up for the sake of my mum even though you know it isn't going to lead to a closer relationship. It sounds like it would mean a lot to her to have you there. She might appreciate your support if his in-laws are really horrendous and it might be embarrassing for her if you are not there. I think it would be really hard to be publically confronted with the fact that my adult children have no relationship to the point that they can't be bothered to attend each others weddings. (Obviously the advice would be different if he is inclined to be abusive rather than just someone you are indifferent to and subject to how difficult the social anxiety would be to cope with which only you know). Good luck

GreenTulips · 08/09/2017 21:54

it would be really hard to be publically confronted with the fact that my adult children have no relationship to the point that they can't be bothered to attend invite each others weddings

Original poster

ForagingForFaerieGold · 09/09/2017 13:26

Ah. The excuse for no invite was apparently that HER family don't bother with formal invites. However, my bro hasn't even texted or called me either. He did get an invite to mine. My mum replied for him
He's not abusive at all. In fact he's actually a pretty gentle person generally. He has his failings but that's not one of them. My anxiety on the other hand is pretty severe. Not his fault, I know. On balance, based on the opinions on here, I have decided not to go. It won't prove anything except that I'm a pushover. But I will be open about it and give my reasons. I'm sure my mum will forgive me in time lol.

OP posts:

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